Am I blind?

[Teaandtoast35]

It feels to me like there’s no clear answer. Perhaps I’m waiting on one.

pros
-I want this to (magically?) work out
-I love him
-he loves me
-he wants to be together
-he tries and cares (after a lot of effort from me to convert him, he now does washing up, laundry, bins, hoovers; he cooks for special occasions and bakes; he books date nights - has always done this)
-he loves our children (all of whom we have lost, mcs and a stillborn baby)
-we have many of the same big picture values
-I fancy him, find him cute, sweet, I love how enthusiastic he is about things he loves
-he works hard (but his work is relaxed; he has no reason to be stressed)
-he supports my career and is a big believer in me
-we have had many good times
-he is (apart from the below) into equality, thoughtful, and we do discuss things
-we enjoy many of the same things
-we have similar vibes
-we have built a life together and been there for each other

cons

-we have never had frequent sex and it’s become much “simpler” over the last few years. I would like more and to have fun with it. It never really feels like he desires me, although he doesn’t have any problems “getting there”.
-he tells me he wants the same (sex wise) which is confusing because he barely ever initiates and only when I’ve reminded him we’re not having any or when we are ttc
-if he is tired or feeling uncomfortable at a social function (as many of us feel from time to time) or is busy and I interrupt him to ask a question, he will go cold on me, look at me with dead eyes, pretend to be falling asleep, not laugh at anything. I don’t know if he looks at other people with dead eyes but he does the fakey fall asleep in front of other people. It feels like a communication, but also a punishment for making him come out.
-we argue frequently and i get the impression, particularly lately now I’ve started to question things, that I’m talking to get our relationship on track because if we want to keep ttc we have to not argue when we have kids, and he’s talking to defend himself and blame me for bringing things up. He does see my pov… but I worry he’s just repeating back to me what I’ve said to placate me.
-we discussed recently that some of his frustration comes from thinking “why can’t she just do this thing for me? It’s not hard and I do a lot for her”. I cannot list all the things I’ve done for him during our 5 years together here because it would be a very long post. I would say he pulls his weight. But this attitude leads to things like eg I’m miscarrying and have back pain and he asks for my bank card so he can go get me ibuprofen (he has a LOT more money than me). I yell at him and he gets the point — if we labour share, I’ll do the pain part and he can go spend 50p.
-he doesn’t often laugh at my jokes. I know that sounds silly but I wish our time together wasn’t just being cute and pleasant and laughing at mutual things but I wish he didn’t give me blank face so much.
-we don’t often eat together because his diet is completely calorie controlled and fitted with exercise so there’s no bonus in terms of evening meals together or less time cooking! it also means we can’t spontaneously go out as much as I’d like
-he talks about scheduling all the time and acts very busy when he isn’t so often days in a row I’ll hear “I don’t have enough time!!” a lot of the day. Always time for the gym tho.

My friends all live with great men who are difficult in some ways. In some ways I think my thinking is more about whether I choose to spend my life on a man, or choose to spend my life on myself (career, seeing my friends and family) and kids (we have struggled so much, I’m not scared to try alone as I feel like it either will work or won’t work and I’m having IVF regardless). I am so sad but I’m also a bit numb, from having gone through a lot of pain and wondering how much pain/struggle I’m willing to take on over the next 25 years (ie if we do have children I’ll be tied to him). Also a factor: my last ex had a horrible illness while we were together and I took care of him throughout. He also had a lot of these issues and I swore I wouldn’t spend my life taking care of anyone in that way again. I want to take care of kids (my mum is fab and like her I would do anything for them) and I want to do my work and live my life and I want to, if there’s a man there, have sex and laughter and love and that be the thing that keeps us together through all the crap bits. I know how nice and stable and warm a relationship can make you feel. And I know life wouldn’t be perfect alone and being a solo mum. I’d be lonely and it would be hard. But I wonder if the peace would be worth it. And I wonder if having the life I’ve had just makes me feel like I need the sex to be good (if I’m getting it—we go for months without) and I need the peace to be there.

But I’m in a total fog and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how bad the cons list is. I’ve only had 2 LTRs. Help

No clear answer ? What is the question? 😄

He doesn't sound very nice. And he'll still be doing his own thing with the gym and mealtimes after children arrive. That blank blinking thing is brutal.

He sounds like a controlling arse. Having kids is hard and pushes many couples to breaking point. He will continue to be an arse and opt out of family life.

He sounds a bit miserly (both financially and emotionally) if his natural inclination is to ask you for your bank card to get you painkillers, when you're miscarrying. 😔

If that's indicative of how his mind works, he's not great material for having dc with.

Sorry for your losses.

You say you are arguing a lot. What are you arguing about?

If it's your example of him wanting your bank card to buy you pain relief when you are miscarrying .. I almost don't believe that anyone would do that to anyone never mind the mother of their child.

So sorry for your losses.

I sincerely hope this is a wind up. If it is not, then please, stop TTC with this monster. Get him out of your life.

He sounds like a nice, quite caring man, who is however pretty selfish, rather boring, crap at sex, set in his ways, and very odd when it comes to socialising. Pretending to be asleep when you are out is frankly bizzare. He is Mr right now, but not Mr right. You can do better.

Sorry OP, but he doesn't sound like parent/partner material to me.

1. He deliberately 'opts out' of 'social' stuff he can't be arsed with, regardless of anyone's 'feelings' being hurt (Including yours).
2. He doesn't even pretend to find your jokes amusing, despite knowing this would hurt your feelings).
3. He isn't willing to compromise with 'dates', meals or anything he doesn't like, or that might upset his 'routine' in any way.
4. He's selfish/uncaring i.e Asking for a bank card for 50p Ibuprofen while you're miscarrying ! (Can't get over that one !! Also makes me think he's financially 'shut off' from you too, so what happens when you do have a baby, and he needs to support you during maternity leave ?
5. He isn't interested in sex with you, unless there is a 'goal' i.e Shut you up/ get pregnant.
6. He doesn't 'cope' well with small amounts of 'stress', either at work or at home, so he's going to 'lose his shit' regularly when there's a baby, and he will insist that you are the one to do everything for the baby, because he's 'too stressed' ffs !
7. You 'argue frequently', but with zero actual 'resolution' achieved ? Then it's a big problem, as nothing will ever 'improve' when he doesn't actually want to change anything (He's defending his 'position', thereby telling you why he does it, but doesn't ever agree to 'change', just says whatever he thinks you want to hear so you'll shut up.).

I could go on, but you can see why he really isn't either partner or parent material, regardless of your feelings for him, he's never going to

1. Find you funny.
2. Want to have sex with you frequently just because he finds you so sexy.
3. Be willing to put your feelings/wants/needs/desires before his own.
4. Be happy engaging in social events etc with you/for you.
5. Be happy to actually view his money as 'family' money, ever.
6. Be able and happy to take on 50% of parental 'load' (Including financial/social/emotional/physical demands, as well as the daily grind of feeding/changing/nights/illness (yours)/sickness (DC's) / childcare/housework/laundry/shopping/cooking......etc etc

Sorry, but I think you need to really discuss all of this with him, in great detail. (Though I think that when you have thought about it carefully, you'll realise that he's simply not a suitable partner or potential parent.)

OP - most importantly, I am sorry for all your losses

On to your pro's & con's.

Your pro's list is nothing more than anyone should expect from their partner.
Your con's list is ... appalling. Your partner sounds utterly selfish, utterly attached to their own agenda, & unwilling to do the smallest thing for you.

A man who wouldn't spend 50p on painkillers for you when you were miscarrying his child is NOT a man you should tie yourself to by having children together. He would need to be told on a daily task-by-task basis on what his parental responsibilities were as he's clearly too self-absorbed to imagine that HE needs to do anything "for" you.

Just because you invested time into educating him that - shocker! - HE also needs to perform domestic chores & had some success with it, don't fool yourself that this man will be similarly trainable to step up to being a parent. Or even a decent partner. He will just look at me with dead eyes, pretend to be falling asleep every time something needs doing.

Why are you repeatedly trying to have his baby when you aren't even sure you want to be with him?

A baby is not a toy and it's not a pet. A baby links you to a person forever and it's unfair on the potential child to bring him into an unstable relationship.

“-he loves me
-he wants to be together
-he loves our children (all of whom we have lost, mcs and a stillborn baby)”

nothing you’ve written suggests the above is true.

Your list of pro's aren't really that much to write home about to be honest. It is merely a list of the minimum that anybody would reasonably expect in a long-term relationship.

The con's are horrid. Especially the blank stonewalling/falling asleep; and expecting you to pay for ibuprofen whilst you were in the middle of a miscarriage was a particularly despicable act.

Wait are you saying he is so tight with money he can't spend 50p on medicine for you? That would end it for me right there.

It’s a no from me, get out now.

Sorry about your losses.

Agree this is terrible

You're blind to the fact that you being unhappy is important.

I don’t know how bad the cons list is

There isn't a scoresheet anywhere. Nobody can tell you how bad you feel, and it doesn't matter how it would compare to how bad anyone else would feel, in the same circumstance.

This is about you. There's just one question here, which will cut through all the confusion and detail you're fogging up the picture with: Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?

I think that if you did, you wouldn't have posted. Would you?

we discussed recently that some of his frustration comes from thinking “why can’t she just do this thing for me? It’s not hard and I do a lot for her

This is it. He actually has explained to you exactly what he is, and what he is like.

Everything is a balance sheet for him. A spreadsheet of transactions. He will NEVER do anything for you just because he loves you, or because he spontaneously wants to show you how much you mean to him. That would make you to be one up on him in terms of his inner balance sheet. It will always be carefully measured, and must never exceed what you have done for him, or preferably be rather less, because at heart he is a stone cold miser.

Taken him somewhere he isn't enjoying? He will withhold affection to even the score. He won't laugh at your jokes, because that would give you pleasure and you don't deserve that. He will withhold sex because he feels you haven't earned it.

The ibuprofen thing is actually the worst example of miserlyness that I have ever heard, by a very long lead.

Even the way he eats is exactly the way he treats you, OP. It is the same thing. Transactional.

It isn't just that if you have children you are tied to him for the next 25 years. You will also have to support your children when he does the same with them. Can you honestly say that you think he would make a good father? I mean him, the REAL him, not the fantasy man who would magically suddenly completely change because he has children?

He asked for your bank card as you were miscarrying? Jesus Christ, that alone would make me tell you to leave. Please stop trying to have a baby with him, he sounds cold and emotionless.

Exactly. Please do not saddle any humans with this man as their father. Please!

Please, I know a baby is not a toy. I have babies. I lost them but they are still mine and I thought hard about who I would have them with. He wasn’t like this earlier on, and the last 2 years I’ve been pregnant and very ill (HG) or grieving babies. I think I should spell out that it is very hard to feel that you can do anything - at all, work, get up, get dressed - when your baby is stillborn. My last early loss was a few weeks ago and I feel like I “woke up” and realised that I have been “waiting for life to get good again” aka waiting for a live child, and that that’s not going to happen for me for at least a year, because I am now having investigations for a few months and then, if I did ttc right away, I’m more than likely to miscarry… I realised I can’t keep doing what my bereavement midwife and therapist have told me to do, and not make any decisions while grieving. I will always be grieving my big baby and all my little ones. For most of this year I’ve been really down. Now I suddenly feel “woken up” and have more energy, I’m trying to take control of things and make some decisions. Im trying to make a plan for what I would do if I left. It’s very hard to think about leaving the only person who feels the way I do about my babies. Who spent time with them and misses them too. I feel like I slipped into a weird coma two years ago and have just woken up to find the person I love is lying to me.

Having said that, I really appreciate everyone’s comments. @oobeedoobee @Deadringer @KettrickenSmiled @Haffiana Thank you so much. My head feels in such a fuzz and your clear responses and the time you took over them is helping me to see things clearly. I want more happiness than this. And I really want my children to have a lovely, happy home.

I can’t get over anyone asking for a bank card for 50p. Especially someone who is witnessing their partner miscarrying.

That’s awful op. I’m so sorry for your loss and you deserve a lot better.

I am afraid that of all the things OP wrote, I cannot get past this one. Your life partner cannot buy you basic medicine with his own money? End it for that.

R

I just wanted to update this for anyone reading. I broke up with this partner, and with distance I can see he really wasn’t good to me. He was much nicer and more understanding than I thought he would be when I broke up with him and he hasn’t tried to get back together. I’ve been able to really take care of myself and I feel much more stable, secure, healthy, and happy. I am much much happier than I was.

An additional thought: Im not anti a relationship in the future but I am starting to see relationships as more of a lifestyle option… and there are other options. I’ve made my life about work I’m passionate about and also trying to have living children, which is an ongoing struggle and very difficult, but in some ways easier without also having to cope with being treated poorly.

Good luck to anyone reading this post and thinking of leaving a relationship that is making you unhappy. It feels like a fog when you are in it, but the view is much clearer from here. I also recommend reading Why Does He Do That? as it clarified a lot for me about the controlling behaviour.

It's lovely to hear that you've made & are making the right decisions for you & that you're - overall - happy with life🌻