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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex seeing children after long time

34 replies

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 12:42

Children haven’t seen their father in 18 months/ 2 years. What’s the best way to slowly introduce contact again? They have been speaking on the phone but he has mentioned seeing them again I would like this to be done slowly and they have only been talking for just over a week so I think it’s a bit of a rush to ask to see them again so quickly after such a long time
of no contact I would like him to be consistent in messaging them first is this unreasonable? My youngest is 5 (he hasn’t spoken to her only the older ones) so she doesn’t remember him at all.

OP posts:

bubbledew · 27/10/2022 15:05

I was like you 9 months ago deciding to take the compassionate route and welcome the father back into my daughters lives age 6 and 10 . I regret that now.
I let the children spend a lot of time with him, and now he has messed up them emotionally and told them untruths about why he disappeared. It was because mum didn't let him see them. Now, my children's world has turned upside down, he wouldn't be reliable calling them, no consistency in visits and have alienated them against me and they need therapy to recover. They need therapy to deal with their confused feelings and their fear that he will go away again.

So my advice is this. A man who doesn't see their kids is selfish and will only think of themselves. The children are like disposable toys to them. Remember this, he can disappear again and leave your children with emotional scars , sense of worthlessness, and in a state of bereavement.

Why did he go away ? Did you stop contact ? Did he just walk out.
Regardless, he has been absent in their lives. I wish I had managed it better except jumping for joy that the kids had a dad who would now love them.

My advice is to contact a social worker or co-parenting co-ordinator ( I don't live in England) if you have those, seek their advice, have a slow plan. You can't just hand over a 5 year old to him. I was you. Learn from my very painful mistake.

lunar1 · 27/10/2022 15:18

Let him keep up the phone contact for a few months. If he disappears again it's the children who will suffer and you who will pick up the pieces. Start small, increase to video calls and progress from there. If he messes them around and becomes unreliable then tell him where to go.

Try keep a text thread with him if calls/cancellations. If you ever get dragged to court you want evidence of his contact pattern.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 16:03

I’m not worried about what he tells the children my older children are old enough to be aware that it isn’t true and my youngest I have proof in messages if I ever needed them. Also he would never take my to court unfortunately I would like it if he would,
would actually prove he was serious for once.

OP posts:

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/10/2022 17:28

Do it slowly is my advice

Stressfordays · 27/10/2022 17:32

I just wouldn't. Id let court deal with it. Sorry but if they can disappear for that long, they can do it again whenever they feel like it. Dont enable that behaviour, your children will not thank you.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 27/10/2022 17:32

S
l
owly

with boundaries

with a therapist

to not be present in your child’s life through choice of abuse

phone call once a week for a month

then a potential meet in public with you there and a cup of tea for an hour

then again a fortnight later

any contact drop - the whole thing stops

be child led with boundaries and protection from you

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 27/10/2022 17:33

I would do it through a contact centre only so is everything is documented, and any issues can be resolved or highlighted through them.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/10/2022 17:42

Do you know what's prompted the contact, OP?

I think I'd be upfront with him before he speaks to the kids again - tell him that a face to face meeting is not on the table right now as he needs to show he can be consistent and committed with contact arrangements.

You could try explaining to him that children find it very painful to be picked up and dropped without explanation. Only you know if he's a deliberate dickhead or whether he himself had an uninvolved father and thinks that's normal.

Topseyt123 · 27/10/2022 18:22

I'd see how things go over several months first before taking it further.

Why did contact stop? What has made him try to re-establish it now? The reasons for the cessation of contact may still be there and probably haven't changed.

I suppose the answers to these questions and his actions in the coming weeks and months will tell you what you need to know.

GinIronic · 27/10/2022 18:56

I wouldn't bother. It will end badly. Cut contact now. If he is genuine - unlikely- he can go to court to get contact. Don't trust him. What does he want and why us he doing it? New partner in the background he wants to impress?

Givenuptotally · 27/10/2022 19:32

Slowly and with boundaries. My ex disappeared for a 15 month period with no Co tact whatsoever for the first 5 months. He then phone when it suited him. The youngest was 18 months when he left. He tried to intimidate me with a solicitor's letter but I simply responded factually and that he needed to rebuild his relationship with them.

He has been consistent with contact ever since. The OW was the problem. He has had other highly unsuitable girlfriends since which is a thread all on its own, but contact has ways been maintained.

category12 · 27/10/2022 19:38

It needs to be built up over months not days.

And he needs to be totally consistent and not let them down to get there.

adriftabroad · 27/10/2022 19:49

Do not facilitate anything.

You are the advocate for your children.

LET HIM DO THE WORRYING AND EFFORT; NOT YOU.

Talon01 · 27/10/2022 21:18

A few weeks of messages and calls leading to a meet up at a park or play centre or something with you present.

Does he pose any safety issues.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 27/10/2022 23:52

Thanks for the comments I’m fine with him having contact so it’s just more about how to slowly go about it again. So I will just insist he messages for longer to show consistent contact before seeing them. He’s asked my son again today which is annoying me as he hasn’t asked me personally but he asked my son if he wants to meet up on Saturday, he’s only 10 so shouldn’t be going through him. I doubt there’s a new girlfriend prompting him he’s the type that wouldn’t bother with them if there was!

OP posts:

bubbledew · 28/10/2022 00:26

You really need to think about the damage done to your child if he disappears again. The kids will think they have done something wrong. They are young and easy to manipulate. Showing your children text messages does not protect your children's heart from a lifetime of pain and hurt. The text messages cannot erase the feeling of abandonment.

I also have text messages from the ex showing he abandoned the children. That did not stop my elder daughter turning against me.

The Children are not old enough to understand. They will be confused. You cannot believe that such a man would behave reasonably and rationally.
You really need social services intervention to pave the way and also to interview him to find out what are his intentions.

As adults, we cannot understand why a man would abandon his children. How do think children are able to process this ? They cannot, so please listen. I am really begging you from the bottom of my heart, because I have been through hell on this, and still going through it from the damage done. The Children were disposable before. Don't let it happen again.

bubbledew · 28/10/2022 00:28

My ex also refused to communicate with me, and only via my daughter...paving the way for parental alienation. All contact has to be with you on whatsapp.

Limit it to one hour contact.

Get him to confirm on whatsapp pick up time, drop off time, where he will be taking your son, and is he introducing him to anyone. You see , my ex took my daughter out but then it was to all his social events!

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/10/2022 00:32

I was told by SS that arranging contact directly with the children was a form of abuse. Contact should be arranged between the parents to avoid placing the children in very uncomfortable positions (bang in the middle of conflict, which may require for them to take sides).

Personally… I wouldn’t let the guy near my child unless he proves he can maintain regular non direct contact over a year otherwise it just messes the children up when they disappear again.

Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2022 01:15

I wouldn't be letting him back into their lives. Let him go to the courts if he wants any contact. He won't.

adriftabroad · 28/10/2022 10:45

So he is already pulling rank and putting both your son and you in a compromised position.

No. Sign of things to come.

xfan · 28/10/2022 12:11

Slightly off topic here but I've read some of your posts on another thread regarding being a single parent and dating, are you wanting to let your ex partner back in the picture because you want to free up some time for yourself and date?

altmember · 28/10/2022 19:48

I'd also try and encourage some zoom/facetime between them next, before they meet in person. If the kids have their own tablets/devices there are several child specific messaging/video calling apps you can setup to allow them to contact their father other without you having to regularly facilitate.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 22:11

xfan · 28/10/2022 12:11

No just to clarify I have 4 children and one of them has sen so I can see why it’s easy for people to say don’t let him see them but I have absolutely no family support so yes I would like their father to step up and be involved in their lives because I didn’t chose to be a solo parent or set out to be one and it’s not something I would have ever chosen for myself. I totally understand why people don’t think he should see them due to his absence but I’m raising 4 children alone and that is very challenging so I would like their father to step up and look after the children he also created. He will not be able to have them overnight due to his living situation and never has since we split up 5 years ago he has never had them over night so the most I will get is a couple of hours to myself so I won’t be getting much “free time” to do anything anyway. The most he wanted to see them was once a fortnight for the day. Also I should say he contacted me not the other way.

OP posts:

zonky · 28/10/2022 22:38

For the record, solo mums by choice don't tend to have 4 children alone so that's not a good comparison.

But why would you want to reintroduce chaos into their lives when your ex partner has proven to be unrealiable and non committal in raising the children?

It must be extremely challenging parenting 4 children alone but seeking his support may not be the correct kind of support.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 22:40

I didn’t say they did, I stated that I didn’t make my children alone and nor would I have chosen to they have another parent so I shouldn’t have to raise them alone.

OP posts:

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