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[ellietheelephant]

I was hoping somebody could give me some advice as i do not know if i should stay in a relationship. I am very confused and would like to hear from an outsiders point of view. Or possible somebody who has been in this position.

I have been seeing a man now for five years but we do not live together.
Sometime ago he suggested we should get engaged. Everytime i mention weddings he would ignore me and change the subject. After a recent talk he has just told me deep down he does not really want to get married but he wants to get engaged to make me happy, so lets just do it.

I do not think this is a good reason, i also don't want to never get married.

What should i do.

(i am at work so i have to be careful if i answer)

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I do but i feel rejected. I also want my child who is a boy to be secure and not think man does not properly commit.

the issue here is not one of whether he wants to get married, it is whether he wants to be with you in a 100% committed way. If he does, there are plenty of relationships which thrive outside of wedlock.

If he is not committed and his lack of desire to get married is a sign of this, you have your answer.

You have to decide how important it is for you not to get married.

As for your DS, I personally do not think whether you marry or not will tarnish/affect his view of men. Your DP can give him good values in other ways.

Finally, are there any practical/ financial/ emotional reasons why he would not want to marry you?

well I thought an engagement was like a promise to marry so if he doesn't want to marry you what is the point in him getting engaged to you?

Personally I think you need to consider why it is so important for you to get married and whether you want to live your life with this man and possibly (probably???) not get married ever.

Have you talked about why he doesn't want to get married? Is there a reason why he doesn't want to - for example has he been married before, did his parent divorce, are his parents in an unhappy marriage, does he have friends whose marriages haven't worked out? Working together through the reasons why he doesn't want to get married and why you do want to get married is the best starting point. Perhaps if you both understand the other's point of view you'll be able to work out a solution that suits you both.

I know lots of secure, commited couples who are not married. I am though, and if I wasn't would want to be. Maybe in your situation though, you'll just have to accept he doesn't want to get married. After all, these days marriage hardly seems to be for life.

Why don't you live together? For me that would be the next logical step.

nappymadmummy summed up much better what I was trying to say in my last para...

His parents divorced when he was young and now he believe it is trapping and owning.

I know of none practical reasons why he would not
.

As for me i do not see the point in living together if it is not for good and if it is for good why does he not marry.

It is important i get married as i never have and it s my wish one day i will. I would not like to be an old woman and never experience it. I also dont want to waste my time when someone could commit more.

I just sent a text to him saying what was said about engagement being promise to marry and he said back. good point.

Could he be gay, and hiding from himself?

ellie, it's not good enough to get married for the sake of the experience. it'll be one day, and then you'll have to live the rest of your lives together. take a really good, long think about whether that's REALLY what you want to do.

if he doesn't feel the same way as you, he is not the man for you.

I would imagine his parents divorce has a big part in how he feels. Perhaps he feels that the pressure of being married was part of the cause of his parents break up. Perhaps he felt one of his parents behaved as though owning the other one and that caused the break up. It might be that he feels your relationship is more likely to last if you don't get married. If he associates the 'being married' with the cause of his parents split then perhaps he sees your relationship as being forever and that he feels it will only last if you don't get married iyswim.

Could you perhaps try living together for a while and see how things go?

FWIW, getting married doesn't change a relationship imo. A marriage certificate doesn't make a relationship any more secure or loving. Yes, you get one day where you get to wear a dress and declare your love for each other in front of family and friends but surely he does that everyday he's with you.

I think if you tried living together for a while with no pressure of it leading to getting married (i.e. if you relax about that bit for a while) you might find that he becomes less worried about the effects of marriage.

Thankyou. I cannot write much but perhaps it is me wanting too much and scaring him. Perhaps i should let him move in as he wants to. Without any pressure. I am scared though. ]

I will look later as i am going to cry at work and that is not good.

i'd be wary of moving in with him, when you know he has no intention of committing. these things have a tendency to draw out and then when you finally want to start a family, suddenly you find you've been wasting your time because, as he's said from the beginning, he doesn't want to commit.

I know it's easier said than done but look at the positives:

• he's been with you for 5 years, so he isn't just wanting a short term relationship
• he wants to make you happy (that's why he suggested getting engaged)
• he wants to move in with you

I think people feel like getting married is the only way of showing true commitment - it's not. IMO this guy wants to be with you, long term, but he's just had a bad experience of what marriage is. I imagine he doesn't want to make the mistakes his parents made. Let him talk to you about his experience (in his own time).

sorry, i disagree nappymadmummy! if he was going to commit, he would have done it by now.

i heard that statistically, the longer you stay together before you get married, the shorter your marriage. unfortunately i can't remember where i read it!

Have you ever talked to this man about having a family together? What does he say about that? Because it's possible to have good, valid reasons for ot wanting to marry (ie go through an actual marriage ceremony) but still having a committed relationship that will last - some friends of mine have been together for more than 4o years without marrying as they are both ex-hippies with radical views and don't approve of marriage. Does he want to live with you or are you the one who is pushing for more commitment than you have at the moment. Because if it is you doing all the pushing, you may have to accept that he actually doesn't want a greater level of commitment than you have at present. If people say that they don't want a commitment or a further level of commitment, i's unreasonable to keep nagging, or if you decide to wait and see if they are going to change their minds, it's unreasonable to blame them for not doing so. Not everyone wants a living-together, married-style relationship at all, it's not wrong to want something different, but it's silly to assume that because you want something, your partner must want it as well.

spot on madamez, as always.

Warthog - I think it depends on how you define commitment. The guy has been with her for 5 years, I'd say that was committed (assuming he hasn't cheated etc.). I think it's unreasonable to say he's not committed just because he doesn't want to get married (especially when you consider what he may have gone through with his parents getting divorced)

Is you ds also his child ?

has he said 'i would like to spend the foreseeable future with you'? otherwise there's nothing to stop him walking out the door and saying he never made any promises.

sorry, but i lived with someone for 5 years, and it was not a commitment. it's dangerous to make that assumption.

"has he said 'i would like to spend the foreseeable future with you'? otherwise there's nothing to stop him walking out the door and saying he never made any promises."

There's nothing to stop him walking out the door even if he marries her. Surely everyone in a relationship, married or not, takes that risk.

He has said he wants us to spend the rest of our lives together. he loves me, he never wants to lose me and he is here with me. We have just had a argue on the phone, him with panic back tracking saying, i will marry if it is what you need. I dont want to make him, it's not good.

One of us must backdown and probably me.

He said we can have a baby one day. I am not sure another baby out of marriage, does not seem right. No my child is not his.

He never says forseeable future, he says forever.

ok, sounds pretty committed to me. marriage isn't for everyone.