Miserable marriage. Anyone else?

Jerryyyyyy · 2022-10-26T20:01:33+00:00

Been away for a few nights with DCs. DH at home. Not had any messages asking how we're doing or generally checking in. I've been sending pics and videos of the DC. Only contact from him has been to talk about house renovations. Arrived home tonight after 5+ hr drive with DC2 and DC4. Been home 2 hours and he's not asked anything like 'how was your trip/the drive? How have DC been/how are you? Do you want a drink/dinner' etc. Within 5 mins of getting in the door he was complaining about how busy he is and how he doesn't have time to do anything. For context he works extremely hard and is busy (aren't we all) but this is ALL that he talks about and I'm utterly exhausted with hearing him constantly complaining about everything with absolutely zero interest in me. I'm on the brink of tears at the moment as feel so inconsequential.

Bestcatmum · 26/10/2022 21:05

No I don't have this problem OP because I divorced both of the miserable bastards.
If someone is contributing nothing to my life then I don't want them in it...life is too short.
I think you need to decide what you want in your life and go for it. Doing nothing is not an option.

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 21:06

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster

Jerryyyyyy · 26/10/2022 21:18

He's really stressed out. Bitten off more than he can chew in different areas of his life and he's not enjoying all the spinning plates. I've told him a few times we need a change of life style (smaller house, less pressured jobs etc) but he always has a reason to pit it off and I don't think he has any realisation of the effect it's having on me and our marriage to have him in a perpetual near breakdown. Definitely need to talk to him about it but even this is so hard as he's literally always on the edge of breaking point

OP posts:

wizzywig · 26/10/2022 21:26

Yes, this is my marriage!

Dacadactyl · 26/10/2022 21:42

You need to talk to him. Your marriage is likely to be salvageable if he listens. Maybe he doesnt quite understand how serious it is for you..

MsPincher · 26/10/2022 21:51

I left my ex as we just didn’t connect anymore. So much happier now

it may not have got that bad but if it has no point making yourself miserable

Thepossibility · 26/10/2022 21:56

We had one snippy period like this when we were both really stressed.l in April. I was retraining, he was desperately trying to impress to get a new contract, we have 3 kids and were moving house. And all got covid.
The way we were speaking to each other, I thought all the love and care had gone. He seemed like he didn't give a shit about me, and normally he's lovely...it was so upsetting.
Luckily I pushed through and it has passed. I went against my natural instinct to start shit, and tried to be more loving towards him. He responded really well.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/10/2022 22:57

@Thepossibility - how long have you been together?

LoekMa · 27/10/2022 05:41

Well what are you doing to take some load of his hands? If hes stretched so thin, ever considered he might feel under appreciated too?

9HrsSleep · 27/10/2022 05:48

Actually talk to each other. These stressful times do pass, but it's so much easier when you're both supporting each other.

daisychain01 · 27/10/2022 06:25

Within 5 mins of getting in the door he was complaining about how busy he is and how he doesn't have time to do anything.

do you think he is resentful of not having any free time and is taking it out on you? I would talk about your feelings with him and try to find out what he has on his mind to not care about what you've been up to with the DC. He sounds like he's over stressed and has no headspace for the pleasant relaxed chitchat you want.

girlmom21 · 27/10/2022 06:29

You've been away for a few nights and he's still been trying to spin all the plates on his own? I'd cut him some slack.

I'd have ordered a takeaway and sat down as a couple for a chat about your trip/his workload and try to reconnect a little.

MaxTalk · 27/10/2022 06:54

Jerryyyyyy · 26/10/2022 21:18

He's really stressed out. Bitten off more than he can chew in different areas of his life and he's not enjoying all the spinning plates. I've told him a few times we need a change of life style (smaller house, less pressured jobs etc) but he always has a reason to pit it off and I don't think he has any realisation of the effect it's having on me and our marriage to have him in a perpetual near breakdown. Definitely need to talk to him about it but even this is so hard as he's literally always on the edge of breaking point

I am with some of the others here - why has he "bitten off more than he can chew"? Is it that he feels he needs to have a house near a good school (expensive), needs to pay the bills (increasingly expensive) etc?

As a man living in the SE, plenty of my friends have mental health issues as they rightly or wrongly feel the pressure of having to provide financially for their families which in some instances is having quite serious impacts to their relationships and health.

You need to speak to him. Saying "get a smaller house" probably isn't the answer.

Original poster

Jerryyyyyy · 27/10/2022 10:30

Thank you for all your replies.

I can honestly say I have spoken to him quite a few times. Ive offered to work more (I'm part time) but hes a very high earner and actually having someone at home sorting out our children, cooking and cleaning is more valuable than more income at the moment.

He's a typical type A personality. Always been a very high achiever, always put a lot of pressure on himself etc. He finds it really hard to let go of responsibilities and let other people help. It's something he's said about himself. So I've said multiple times that he can show me how to sort some of the admin he does for us but he'd rather do it himself.

We've been together for 15 years, married for 6. On the outside it all looks so good. We've got a beautiful house (it needs a lot of work doing but we're very lucky to live here), great children who love life, high household income etc but he really struggles to see what we've got an to appreciate it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jerryyyyyy · 27/10/2022 10:34

wizzywig · 26/10/2022 21:26

Yes, this is my marriage!

Really sorry to hear that. It's so tough isn't it? really love my husband and care for him so much but it's incredibly difficult only getting one note back from him. His face holds how he is feeling so much. He literally looks at our children and smiles, laughs with them and his voice is light and full of love and then in an instant his eye brows knit together and his mouth turns down, his voice drops etc when he is talking to me. It's such a contrast and so upsetting.

I really try to be a good partner. I'm definitely not perfect but I am caring and try to be thoughtful

OP posts:

MrsTeaShore · 27/10/2022 10:39

He sounds pretty stressed and withdrawn. Perhaps see if he can open up more. But you might need to be really calm and measured and stop yourself trying fix things or becoming accusatory. Perhaps just ask what you can do do help him feel more relaxed . Does he have time out for the house for hobbies and friends ? If not, he might be close to burn out and / or becoming ill. How about organising some family time for all of you. At some point you can explain what you feel (e.g that you need the chat/communication, you need to feel like he’s interested in you and the DC) but for now he might take that as an attack/criticism .

Untrained · 27/10/2022 10:44

You must try and insist he accepts help/ takes the pressure off himself. Don't let him carry on like this. Too much stress can kill him, never mind the fact its making you both so unhappy. My husband was the fittest, healthiest man I've ever known but he was a worrier and a perfectionist and all that stress caused a fatal heart attack out of the blue. You get one life and it can change in the blink of an eye, don't let that sudden change be what it was for us, MAKE him change something in his life so you can all be happier.

Original poster

Jerryyyyyy · 27/10/2022 11:29

Untrained · 27/10/2022 10:44

You must try and insist he accepts help/ takes the pressure off himself. Don't let him carry on like this. Too much stress can kill him, never mind the fact its making you both so unhappy. My husband was the fittest, healthiest man I've ever known but he was a worrier and a perfectionist and all that stress caused a fatal heart attack out of the blue. You get one life and it can change in the blink of an eye, don't let that sudden change be what it was for us, MAKE him change something in his life so you can all be happier.

Gosh I'm so sorry to read that. Thank you for sharing that with me. This is my ultimate fear and I think he worries about this too but is caught in a spiral and doesn't know how to get out.

OP posts:

Untrained · 27/10/2022 11:50

Could you suggest a therapist or counselor, even if you suggest it as couples counselling (because it is ultimately affecting your marriage) because I know my husband wouldn't have gone to therapy of any kind 'just' for himself, but equally I think he would have taken advice from 'someone medical' over me telling him the dangers of too much stress.

kMix · 27/10/2022 13:07

Yes, miserable marriage over here too. My DH also seems stressed all the time but unlike your DH he doesn't do v much, cut down his hours and does nothing round the house. I don't know. Talk to your DH and say all that money isn't worth anything if you're aren't happy enough to enjoy it. I try to talk to mine but always ends in a row. But I think anything is solvable if both people can have a healthy open conversation