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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help think I messed up

21 replies

Helpadviseme · 26/10/2022 19:58

Please don't be hard on me guys but I got a bit upset since I've been on holiday I noticed my boyfriend was always online on what's app and he would take ages to reply to me on Snapchat. I explained it upset me and he then started explaining he was often active because of what's app web through his work computer and then got annoyed saying he shouldn't have to explain himself to me. Then he said I was jealous and it's poison in a relationship to be spying on other apps. I apologised to him and now I feel terrible. I don't know what else to do or how to make myself feel better but I did say to him that I was only asking. He dosent get why I was upset and now I feel utter shit

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 26/10/2022 20:03

He doesn't sound very nice.

He's poison for escalating a simple communication of concern into a relationship threatening situation.

The lesson he wants you to learn is never to question him.

You can't make a relationship work with someone like that unless you're prepared to give up your self esteem

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/10/2022 21:16

On the other hand, someone checkin when I’m on-line and questioning why I wasn’t chatting to them would be a red flag for me. I don’t want someone to be monitoring when I’m online, thinking I should be replying to them and getting upset when I don’t - I spend a lot of time online and very little of it is chatting/messaging other people on apps. I contact folk when I know I have time to respond.

In guessing the upset stems from thinking he’s communicating with other people but not with you, when in reality he could be doing a hundred different things none of which may involve messaging anyone.

Original poster
Helpadviseme · 26/10/2022 21:54

Pineappleskies · 26/10/2022 20:03

He doesn't sound very nice.

He's poison for escalating a simple communication of concern into a relationship threatening situation.

The lesson he wants you to learn is never to question him.

You can't make a relationship work with someone like that unless you're prepared to give up your self esteem

Thank you and I do agree I think it could have been dealt with better

OP posts:
Tsort · 26/10/2022 23:23

You made a post about this at the time and were told that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and wasn’t required to respond to you instantly just because he was online. It wasn’t even that long a delay, you were complaining about having to wait a couple of hours. Multiple people told you this was ridiculous.

You decided to complain to him, anyway. If anyone has a reason to be upset, it’s him. Your behaviour is childish and controlling and, even now, you’re not recognising that. I assume you’re very young and I think you might not be ready to be in a relationship. Having to deal with this is really not fair on the other person.

ViolinPin · 27/10/2022 00:33

I suppose we have to trust op and their previous phone habbits to believe that she thinks she may be being ignored.

She asked him and his response was not reassuring, he berated her.

Personally if my so responded like that I would walk, deosn't cost anything to be civil about it, but there does seem to be a trend in today's youth that one party feels the need to be rude at the other's expense.

Find someone with better manners, would be my advice.

Tsort · 27/10/2022 00:42

ViolinPin · 27/10/2022 00:33

I suppose we have to trust op and their previous phone habbits to believe that she thinks she may be being ignored.

She asked him and his response was not reassuring, he berated her.

Personally if my so responded like that I would walk, deosn't cost anything to be civil about it, but there does seem to be a trend in today's youth that one party feels the need to be rude at the other's expense.

Find someone with better manners, would be my advice.

I read her post earlier today and that’s my context. She’s tracking when he’s online and complaining because he’s not responding to her instantly - sometimes he takes a couple of hours.

If someone told me they were upset because I wasn’t responding to them instantly all day (particularly someone who I’d only been dating a few months), I wouldn’t reassure them either. It’s nonsensical behaviour and shouldn’t be encouraged. He’s correct, this sort of thing is poison to relationships. If I were him, I would dump her.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2022 00:46

I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've shown your jealousy.

ViolinPin · 27/10/2022 00:53

I didn't see her post.

Is he at work op when you are texting ?
Is there some fundamental shift that's made you feel insecure about him since you got back off holiday, or are you still on holiday ?

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 08:00

Tsort · 27/10/2022 00:42

I read her post earlier today and that’s my context. She’s tracking when he’s online and complaining because he’s not responding to her instantly - sometimes he takes a couple of hours.

If someone told me they were upset because I wasn’t responding to them instantly all day (particularly someone who I’d only been dating a few months), I wouldn’t reassure them either. It’s nonsensical behaviour and shouldn’t be encouraged. He’s correct, this sort of thing is poison to relationships. If I were him, I would dump her.

Show quote history

Exactly.

I believe I replied to the other thread this morning. I didn't realise this one had been started too!

OP, it is toxic behaviour to check when someone is online and to monitor their activity.

I wouldn't have responded very sympathetically either.

There are so any posters on her who regard women as delicate flowers who should be protected at all costs from the realities of life and that men are the big bad ogres!

Maybe he is a dick. Maybe he doesn't give a shit about her. Or maybe he's just someone who is recognising red flag behaviour and has nipped it in the bud. Maybe he could have done it more 'sensitively' but, tbh, it shouldn't have been a conversation that was even started.

What was he supposed to say? Offer a lengthy explanation for not replying immediately? Offer reassurance to someone who is being unreasonable?

If she doesn't feel secure in the relationship, she should walk away from it. Not arbitrarily monitor the other person's behaviour.

Original poster
Helpadviseme · 27/10/2022 08:48

Tsort · 26/10/2022 23:23

You made a post about this at the time and were told that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and wasn’t required to respond to you instantly just because he was online. It wasn’t even that long a delay, you were complaining about having to wait a couple of hours. Multiple people told you this was ridiculous.

You decided to complain to him, anyway. If anyone has a reason to be upset, it’s him. Your behaviour is childish and controlling and, even now, you’re not recognising that. I assume you’re very young and I think you might not be ready to be in a relationship. Having to deal with this is really not fair on the other person.

It's not that he didn't respond instantly it's the fact that he's always occupied on what's app and ignored several of my messages on Snapchat .. I don't know how what's app web works but he says that's why he appears online a lot because the app is open a lot on his work computer

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/10/2022 09:04

He's not the guy for you. Being on whattsapp and not replying to you on Snapchat are 2 different things. You don't need to combine the 2. I recommend that you take off the last seen info on WhatsApp if you have it enabled, it's pointless but somehow you can end up checking when people are last on and yet not replying to you, it can get anyone's back up, so best not to know as really it says nothing.
However, you say he takes a couple of hours to reply to you and that this is a change since you went on holiday. You are not happy with the level of communication he's giving you now, so best bet is to go find someone who does give you the right level for you, otherwise you will just stay insecure and miserable. You can't make someone chat more than they do, but you can find someone else who will.

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 09:10

It's not that he didn't respond instantly it's the fact that he's always occupied on what's app and ignored several of my messages on Snapchat

But what were your messages on Snapchat?

Actual things he needed to respond to or little fishing hooks of no consequence designed to make him engage with you to as proof to you that he likes you and isnt ignoring you?

RedHelenB · 27/10/2022 09:44

What your boyfriend does in his own time is nothing to do with you beyond him cheating obviously. Yabvu, and I'm glad he's spelled it out to you.

Watchkeys · 27/10/2022 09:48

He dosent get why I was upset and now I feel utter shit

Regardless of the issue, if you raise an upset with your partner, and come away feeling like this, then they're not a good match for you. He doesn't understand you, and isn't interested in supporting you when you feel shit.

JamieNorthlife · 27/10/2022 09:50

"I don't know how what's app web works but he says that's why he appears online a lot because the app is open a lot on his work computer"

WhatsApp web Lauches as soon as the computer is on. You can go and upload it to your computer to learn more.

ChaosDemon · 27/10/2022 09:51

I use WhatsApp Web, it says I'm online when I have the tab open (always) even if I'm currently viewing another tab.

I would dump anyone who whined at me for being online and not responding to their messages. If I was feeling kind, I would explain about WhatsApp Web and make sure they knew that I have no intention of interrupting what I'm doing, ever, to reply to some inane message. If they ever brought it up again, gone.

This is a you problem OP.

Watchkeys · 27/10/2022 09:58

This is a you problem OP

No, OP is allowed to want and like whatever she likes. That's not a problem. The problem is that she is trying to make that work with a partner it doesn't work with, and he doesn't give a crap how she feels.

'Blame yourself' isn't good advice, and won't encourage OP to do anything other than minimise her own feelings.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/10/2022 10:32

It is a potentially a “you” problem if your behaviour is a red flag to others. It’s not reasonable to monitor your partners online presence. If that’s about insecurity it would do the OP well to look at whether she’s insecure generally or in this particular relationship, eg has he given her some reason to feel insecure (aside from using the internet without contacting her). If it’s a general insecurity she’ll carry that into other relationships so surely self reflection can only be helpful in that she can identify what her own issue is and deal with that accordingly.

ChaosDemon · 27/10/2022 10:34

@Watchkeys the OP has multiple threads running on this currently. Clearly an obsessive character and this man should run a million miles away.

Tsort · 27/10/2022 11:05

Helpadviseme · 27/10/2022 08:48

It's not that he didn't respond instantly it's the fact that he's always occupied on what's app and ignored several of my messages on Snapchat .. I don't know how what's app web works but he says that's why he appears online a lot because the app is open a lot on his work computer

Show quote history

Not responding to you for a few hours isn’t ‘ignoring’ your messages. Even if he saw and read your messages, he doesn’t have to respond to you instantly. Being online does not mean he is required to get back to you immediately.

I honestly don’t know what part of this you are not getting.

Watchkeys · 27/10/2022 16:13

ChaosDemon · 27/10/2022 10:34

@Watchkeys the OP has multiple threads running on this currently. Clearly an obsessive character and this man should run a million miles away.

You're giving advice to the man. He didn't ask. You may be right, but you're not being relevant. It's no use to OP to tell her that her partner needs to avoid her.

The same result will be achieved for him if OP recognises that this relationship isn't making her happy, and she leaves. It might also serve to increase OP's self esteem, which is essentially what we're watching fail her, here.

People are obsessive for reasons. 'RUN AWAY!' is superficial advice, and will deal with the problem for him. OP needs something different.

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