PSA: You deserve to be happy in your relationship.

[GoOnGetHappy]

So many women here ask questions that boil down to:

Accidentally posted!

The question is, do you deserve to be happy?

Yes.

If your relationship isn't bringing you happiness, you don't have to stay.

You don't.

You deserve happiness.

I am telling myself this repeatedly today.
I matter.
I am not being selfish.
I deserve to feel fulfilled.

Hard to remember when you have spent SO long telling yourself to settle; that this is just how it is. So hard when we get along.
Why not just stay together and just carry on getting along?

Bottom line I am not happy and resentment is a horrible thing for your children to see.
I don’t want them to see THIS as a happy and supportive relationship…partnership. This is not how it should be.

Yes. You do matter. And your children deserve to see a model of healthy relationships.

I think part of the problem is that happiness isn’t a permanent state and it’s knowing how often is too often for arguments that’s the issue. No relationship is perfect so how do you know when it’s too much?

I would have said that I was essentially happy with my XDP. He did so many lovely things for me, said all the right things, bought me gifts, took me on amazing holidays, rubbed my feet, we had fantastic sex. But if ever I was upset about anything he said or did he got very defensive and nasty and it always ended in (my) tears, often with him leaving and threatening not to come back.

Once the chaos was over I would miss him (trauma bond probably, but also because he was 90% a lovely man) and try to overlook the nastiness as just a blip. Because that wasn’t him that was his anger/defensiveness/inner wounded child/lizard brain etc talking.

It’s easy to separate the unacceptable behaviour from the person you love, because the worry about losing all the good stuff (and rightly so - it’s tough!) keeps you stuck.

It’s been the most horrendous year of my life since leaving my ex. I still miss him after many months and don’t dare speak to him or see him because I know the love is still there. For someone who has to see their ex due to shared kids or something it must be so difficult to end a relationship when you still love someone, even when they treat you poorly.

It’s easier to let the bad times slide and concentrate on the good parts, especially if you can vent somewhere like this and find validation that you’re not wrong to be upset by it.

And I meant to say. You’re not wrong - it’s why he’s an ex. But also it’s not easy.

You know what, I think you have a really important point there- happiness is a temporary state. Maybe I should have said "content" or something else that denotes a more permanent state. Because I can still feel a solid contentment even during a temporary time of turmoil. Knowing my relationship with a person is solid and reliable, even if circumstances are trying.

I've also left an abusive relationship, and I know it's very difficult to do so. But I was truly, deeply miserable for years before I left. And I didn't have to be.

Part of the problem is that so many women post asking questions which boil down to “do I deserve to be happy?” and, among the posts telling them that they absolutely do, there are still dozens of other posts amounting to “you should be happy, he sounds nice, at least he’s not abusive, okay he has some major faults but surely it’s worth trying to fix them with him, you might not be able to find any better.” There are at least half a dozen live threads like this running. I don’t know whether the women who post that sort of response genuinely think it; or whether it’s that they themselves are so miserable in their own relationships that they want to encourage other women to stay miserable, as well.

Yes. Which is why I thought it worth posting a thread that didn't have a personal problem at the heart of it, just a general message of "yes, you're worth personal happiness/contentment"

Knowing my relationship with a person is solid and reliable, even if circumstances are trying

that's a really important point too. Even during the happy times there was an undercurrent of fragility that it could all fall down with the wrong word or the wrong tone etc so I think that feeling of security is actually more important than happiness.

I used to use the ‘cup of tea with a spoonful of shit’ analogy to try and explain why it wasn’t ok to be verbally abusive, even if ‘only sometimes’. Obviously he didn’t agree, and persuaded me that it was ok too for too many years.

True but where the fuck to find it?

I think with yourself, first and foremost. "Wherever you go, there you are." Etc.

The problem is that women think this. Many men don't.

persuaded me that it was ok too for too many years.

Yes. The words of women mumsnet can't counteract the poison in the ear of upbringing, family, friends, partners, etc, but we can try.

Perhaps yes. So is the next step seeking contentment outside a relationship? If a healthy one with a man (if a woman is straight) can't be found at present?

I know that I will feel more fulfilled and content on my OWN. I daydream about it.
I look into my future with him and see myself turning into a bitter old woman.

I may be single for the rest of my life. That feels just fine because it will be on my own terms.

The ' Happiness trap". As said by others it's pretty dangerous and unachievable to expect to be in a constant state of happiness. I am cynical about anyone who claims that they are. But that's not saying accept being unhappy. That's a totally different thing. Peace and love are the important things. Everything positive follows those.

Where does the assumption come from that we 'deserve' anything at all? There's no overarching authority or regulation about what our lives are 'supposed' to be like, or what we are 'meant' to have or not have.

Fundamentally, we decide what we want, and we go and get it if we want it enough. The belief that we 'deserve' something takes the onus of responsibility away from us, and is disempowering. If you want happiness, you have to do things that make you happy. If you want a stable, happy relationship, you have to find the person you can have that with.

If you don't like your situation, change it because you don't like it, and you are in charge of your life. It doesn't matter what you deserve or don't deserve; aim for what you want. Chances are we will all get things we do or don't deserve (good and bad) anyway, so it's irrelevant as a metric to measure anything in life by.

This! Yes 🙌

There is no law and we are in control of our own lives. It’s getting past that mindset of responsibility and accountability.
Why do I feel so guilty? For wanting something else in life? Because I have built this life with someone else and now decided I no longer want it. I am doing this to him, I am changing his world. That sense of RESPONSIBILITY I find so hard to get past.

I am making the change though. This is my life and this is where I want it to go.