Separation - where do I even start legally and practically?

[masika99]

I am recently separated. My DD is 3 years old. Ex DH and I still live in the same house as we currently can't afford to manage two properties.

We are amicable and so far agree on what we need to do. However, I am afraid of being naive and relying on his cooperation throughout the separation.

I was SAHM and now looking for a job. The practicalities of our separation make me very anxious because I realise that "my future salary" will not be enough to co-parent 50/50.

To add to the complexity, I signed a prenup when we got married which leaves me financially vulnerable if it gets taken into the account during the divorce. I'm kind of gutted that you can't put a price tag on time & effort investment I put into the relationship...

DH didn't mention the prenup and said he's happy to divide all the assets equally. I am wondering if he forgot we had a prenup... and I don't know if I should bring it up.

Where do I even start? Get a lawyer or try to do all amicably between the two of us? Who moves out of the house first? I'm very confused. Would love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation.

Get a lawyer and try to do it amicably. A lawyer to advise on your legal position, and to advise on financial arrangements etc but I’d start from a place of trying to reach agreement between you.

What’s the plan for the house, will you need to sell or will one of you buy the other out? If you need to sell will you both live there until it’s sold or could one of you rent somewhere temporary?

When you say your future salary won’t be enough to co-parent 50/50, are you thinking you won’t be able to cover your bills to live independently? Would your DH want to or be able to manage 50/50 given his work life will be based around having someone else cover childcare?

It’s a tricky time, I found really trying to come from a place of kindness to my Ex and myself helped take the sting out of things. It’s possible to split amicably but you need to be intentional about it, it’s easy for emotions to run high and end up saying things from a place of hurt or anxiety. You’ll get through it, just be gentle with yourself.

'I'm kind of gutted that you can't put a price tag on time & effort investment I put into the relationship...'

I don't know where you got this idea from. In my divorce my time & effort as a homemaker was valued equally to my dh's salary & our assets were split accordingly.

Read up about the practicalities of divorce - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, etc. Many law firms have a lot of useful information on their website. The Gingerbread website may also be worth a look.

Gather ALL financial documentation - bank and investment statements, the prenup, salary slips, P60s, tax returns, mortgage statements..... everything.

Make a list of questions, things you're unsure about.

Have a consultation with an experienced family solicitor.

Thank you. I also like to take your approach and be kind to each other. I want my DD to be happy and for that she needs both of us to be well.

got in touch with some lawyers to get quotes, thanks again.

From experience, I would be really careful getting lawyers at this stage. If you are on good terms, I would advise sitting down and going through EVERYTHING. Also make lists of things you are not sure about and only then get lawyers. Lawyers have a way of very quickly making divorces acrimonious and I think if you are on good terms you should really use that to your advantage in your decision making in the first instance.

Unfortunately, trying to keep things amicable can turn out to be a one sided effort. Who is to know whether he won't lawyer up and quietly get his ducks lined up.

Better be informed and pre-warned... which doesn't preclude the ideal of an amicable divorce.