How to move in together ... slowly?

[PussinaMuddle]

We've been dating for a year, involved 9yo DD after 6 months but he's only stayed over 1 night last week and we had 1 weekend away as a 3. DD and DP get on really well.

I'd like to slowly increase how much he's here but don't want to commit benefit fraud (working tax credits). He'd happily move in tomorrow, pay 75% of bills, get married and hire a cleaner so I can relax more.

But I'm so scared of everything going wrong like my first marriage did. I can do casual dating or living together but don't know how to do this bit in the middle.

NC'd for this.

I've been with my partner just over 3 years but we don't live together as it doesn't work for my dc just yet.

When we met, he lived an hour away and he met my dc after 6 months. He then gradually came over now and again when they were here or I'd take them to where he lived but we mostly kept us and my kids separate for a year or so.

He then moved closer to me so that we could see more of each other without moving in together and we have all been on holiday together a couple of times. He and my dc get on well but I am very conscious that he is my partner, not their step dad and I may have chosen to have him in my life but they didn't get that choice so I don't want to put any pressure on. That's mostly why we don't live together and don't plan to for a while. We keep overnights mostly to when my dc are with their dad too.

I think your bf coming over once or twice a week for short spells is plenty for now. Remember your DD only met him 6 months ago and a year is still relatively early days.

You're miles away from benefit fraud territory - provided you can evidence he's maintaining a separate household elsewhere then he can stay much more frequently than he currently is.

So take it at a pace that suits you and your daughter, and enjoy the luxury of a try-before-you-buy situation, where if it doesn't work out he has a place to fall back on.

Good luck.

As long as you’re maintaining separate households you can undo it at any moment. Don’t rush to get rid of his to move into yours or vice versa.

You need to find your middle ground, it doesn't have to be either end of the spectrum of casual dating or living together.

As an example, my boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. He lives an hour away but spends every other weekend with me, as well as part of the weekend he has his own children; we have been on holiday together. We plan things together and are a "proper" couple, but living together wouldn't work for us right now. He chips in for food etc (I won't entertain a cocklodger) but he has his own place, own bills and own kids to support.

Thank you everyone, you've reminded me not to rush it and go at a pace that suits DD and me.