Grrrr ... sometimes I think my mother doesn't know me at all!

[Miaou]

Just got the post this morning. In it was a parcel she has sent dd1 which (fortunately) I opened although it was addressed to her (I don't usually open her post btw, I opened it in error!). Anyway inside is a present and a note to the effect of "Dear dd1, here is a present to say well done for winning the competition from Grandad and I".

I am soooo not impressed! Dd1 won a quiz competition but it's not a major deal - she had to answer about 25 questions but could use the internet to help her. She put the effort in but being picked as the winner would be a chance thing. And she is getting a prize - so why did my mother decide to send her a present for getting a prize??? I have three other children, so where do they fit into to this too - particularly dd2 who is very close in age - I am sure she would feel snubbed by this.

We don't do - and never have - presents for achievements; the achievement is a reward in itself. To me it's akin to paying kids to do well in exams. My mum knows this. I am going to have to ring her and tell her and I'm really cross she's put me in this position .

Thank you - needed to get that off my chest!

whats the pressy miaow?

A wooden construction kit of a toy seal, totally unsuitable for dd1 (ie for about age 5 and she is 10.5!!)

I think its really sweet

put it away and use it as a xmas pressy for some one.
Was a nie thought from your mum tho, maybe just saw it and thought about your dd.

ive just been browsing your thrifty thread, tis fab.
Ive started budgeting this week and got loads of top tips from your thread so ta very much.
Can i ask where you got your bread maker from and what did you pay for it please xx

Think you will need to talk with your Mum. BTW does she try and undermine your authority in other areas?.

What are you planning on doing with this present?.

Undermine her authority

I'd better not send my g/children any presents then

I don't really understand why you are so cross. Apart from it being a daft thing to give a 10yo!

OK, you don't do presents for achievements but she is dd's grandmother and they are contractually obliged to spoil their grandchildren occasionally, you know. Although a construction kit of a seal is hardly spoiling... I really don't think this is a big deal or a massive attempt to undermine your authority. You've got it a bit out of perspective IMO.

It sounds sweet to me. She is acknowledging it in her own way.

Although I dare you to point out it should be "from Grandad and me"

My MIL once bought a Fimbles comic for dd when she was about 9, lol

Could you just make light of it with DD? I'd hesitate to hide it or tell her she can't have it, as it is a communication to her from her (daft) granny and it's not actually offensive or anything, so it is between them. If DD sees you getting really wound up she'll feel bad, but if you just make a pleasant joke of it and say i don't know why granny thought this would be a good idea, that won't be so bad...

My mum does not know who I am either btw. She still gives me black, voluminous clothes because she thinks I like them - I did when I was 15, not for the last 20 years! I think it is a mum thing.

Cam, I think you are missing the point. I really don't mind her sending the kids presents. I particularly don't mind the "I saw this and thought ds1 would like it" type thing - the dcs have to learn that just because one child gets something, they don't all get something - life's not like that. But what I do mind is the "reward for achievement" thing. It's just something I don't agree with, and she does know it.

The present is by-the-bye, really, though I have to say (knowing my mum ) it's probably something she got free from somewhere!! I would be very surprised if she chose it on purpose for dd1, it's really not her sort of thing, and as I say, age-inappropriate. Before I read the note I assumed it was for ds1 (aged 2!!)

(Donbean, thank you!! But it's not me with the breadmaker. My breadmaker is dh )

Oh, lots of x-posts. No, she is generally very good at not undermining my authority - and tbh she simply won't have thought it through. But in the interests of openness I need to call her and explain, and I guess that's what I'm cross about! I will inevitably hurt her feelings (and if not then I am worrying that I will).

Edam I do take your point but I think dd1 will be nonplussed and dd2 will be confused. I suppose I could just take the note off and give it to dd1 anyway but that feels a little dishonest to my mum and wouldn't stop the problem possibly occurring again either.

Snowleopard that is a good idea but we have nowhere to put the blardy thing when it's made (our house is tiny)

Attila - not sure. I might ask dd1 what she would like to do with it. We have a local shop where you can take your things and they distribute them to needy families, so she might like to give it to them.

It's a minefield being a granma

CAm, we are to disagree again, I'm afraid. Unfortunately some mothers do try to undermine their daughter's parenting for any number of reasons; jealousy, controlling personalities, disregard... What Miaou is saying is that this has rubbed her up the wrong way and that she feels sure her mother should have known this, considering her stance on prize-winning gifts. It is NEVER the one action alone that upsets people when their mothers have done something hurtful; it is always an accumulation of hurtful events eventually that pushes the daughter to snap. And it is very often subtle, passive-aggressive behaviour that is more upsetting that a straightforward shouty argument.
To be honest "Its a minefield being a grandma/ What's your problem, I only did something nice" could be construed as being quite a toxic reply. As a mother, wouldn't you want to know why the gift had upset your daughter? Unless you secretly already knew why it had, because your daughter had already told you not to send one

Well, I called her and explained, and she was fine about it (well, I suspect she went when she put the phone down! But we are very different people!). Her reasoning was that she has made a couple of dresses for dd2 recently and didn't want dd1 to feel left out - so we decided that I would just take the note off the present and give it to dd1 anyway (which I did, and she then rang and thanked my mum for it). As I said before, I have no problem with her sending things for the kids "just because" !

I'm lucky Sakura, my mum isn't at all toxic, just very different to me and (like most people) finds it hard to appreciate a different POV. I was just annoyed that she hadn't remembered something that's very important to me.

Poor mum. We come from different planets, you know

FWIW I would slao have been very annoyed if mum/mIL had sent a gift for an achievement - I would feel that was my job to reward such. But then i feel that MIL wants to buy for the sake of it.

"To be honest "Its a minefield being a grandma/ What's your problem, I only did something nice" could be construed as being quite a toxic reply. As a mother, wouldn't you want to know why the gift had upset your daughter? Unless you secretly already knew why it had, because your daughter had already told you not to send one"

You're extrapolating lots of nonsense towards me there Sakura

And, by the way it is a minefield being a granma

As you may find out in the future