So-called best friend

[Moorhen]

I'm 31 and on mat leave with 6-mth DS. Have been best friends with J since we met at uni.

For the last 3 years she's worked in New York, and after a couple of months of not much contact (we can both let things slide if allowed) we agreed to send a short mail every day - and we did! Long ones with every detail of our lives, which meant a lot to both of us.

She came home to London (I work there and live out of town) two weeks before I went on mat leave. Said she was v excited about seeing me and getting to know the baby.

Since then I've seen her twice. She didn't get in touch for weeks after the birth and didn't see us until DS two months old. Since then, the odd text and cancelling the one weekend visit we arranged. She didn't even respond to the TWO texts I sent asking for her address to send a Christmas card.

Last week I texted asking if she was still alive. She said yes, but crap at staying in touch (as usual). And could I do a Fri night in London - when I am still bf every 3 hours/
.

I'm getting tired of this. I know she's hugely busy in a stressful job. but surely no-one's too busy to text their frickin' address to a close friend? And it's not as if I'm doing nothing!

I feel like I'm sidelined as a boring mum cos she's too busy and important, and I'm totally out of touch with her.

Amd I wrong to feel this way? If not, should I say anything?

You are certainly not wrong to feel this way. I have a couple two friends like this one close, although now sadly emigrated, and the other not such a close friend but in my circle IFSWIM.

With my close friend it pissed me off royally and she was slightly bettter than your friend, in that if I suggested we meet and gave date and location then she would be there, have a great time and suggest we do it again then never organise it until the next time I contacted her.

With the other friend, she is just generally like that. I had to laugh when we got an invite to their NYE party at, wait for it, 4pm on NYE. She is just not that organised, or I'm just not that important toher. But when we do meet up, generally half an hour later than we are meant to as she is always running late, she is absolutely entertaining and lots of fun so makes up for it. But I wouldn't have her as a close friend.

If you are not prepared to downgrade your friend then I think you have to say something, but keep it light hearted, as she probably is really busy at work and doesn't realise that she is in danger of losing a friend.

Did you ever say anything, rookie? I'm crap at confrontation anyway, and although I would love to say something I hate the idea of either sounding whiny, or ASKING someone to make time for me when they don't do it spontaneously. Sigh.

She genuinely is rubbish at staying in contact - a few years ago I mailed to tell her she'd cancelled on me so many times I was feeling like I'd been relegated to the Third Division. She was very penitent and it hasn't been a problem again till now. But she'e surely old enough to realise it's not on now...

she doesnt know what is involved and thinks that a baby is like a dog - cant you just leave it with someone for a while and go out on the razz?

well you know that its a lot more complicated than that.

i think that there is fault on both sides.

she has no understanding at all

you are not giving her any slack for this and expecting her to have knowledge she plainly doesn't

i also think that instead of taking SAHMdom as a fully fledged career ( as some do) you are thinking that other people think they are more important than you.

i am sure she doesnt think that way at all - but is just a shit friend. however this might be an indicator to yourself.

i have a friend who doesnt have any children and is a bit younger than me - she is all over the world, studied for a masters in london and recently moved to scotland.

she sent me a xmas card and -like your situation - i have no clue where she lives becuse she cant be fucked sending me her address - i got over it.

you are at different stages in your lives - thats all - she is a shit friend - but y'know what when she has kids you might become the best friends ever - not worth chucking it in becuase she is a fuckwit - just keep it bubbling in the background and leave her to it.

Am I right in assuming that she has no children? Things do change. I agree it is a bit annoying that she didn't reply to your texts about her address. Overall, I'd say chill out a bit. Once your DS is a bit older then you can join her on some nights out. When she has children of her own she will realise what she has done! I had a very similar situation with a very good friend of mine. I was the childless one btw. We became very close again once I had my DDs and have both acknowledged that although we plan to be best mates when we are old(er) and grey(er) we will dip in and out of one anothers lives as circumstances change.

moorhen - sympathy - but this is not unusual - this is why we all make lovely new friends who live locally and have babies - so they understand

things will change when she has kids or you return to work or whatever - don't take it too personally - you are at totally different stages in life

You're all right, of course, it is the life stages thing. I spose I'm just a bit shocked at the speed of the deterioration - so far we've stayed friends through living at opposite ends of the country and even the world; various hideous family/relationship crises; my getting married; pregnancy; her incredibly demanding job. None of it made a difference until she came home and I gave birth!

And when I saw her I asked all about her life and made sure I didn't babble on about baby stuff the whole time. Part of me feels like I am cutting her slack - but she's making no allowances for me. I was OK about it until the text thing, that was when I got cross.

And I'm not sure she's ever going to have kids etc, so can't see it changing. Sigh.

As you say, at least I have lovely mummy-friends who get this stuff. And Mumsnet, of course.

I have two best mates and have had totally different experiences with both.

First best mate (from school) had children about 10 years before me and became totally unreliable with regards to keeping in touch. She would never call, answer calls or messages and would never keep to any arrangements we'd made. As a consequence we're probably not best friends anymore. I see her maybe once a year and we never talk outside that. I understand that her priorities changed once she'd had kids, but I felt like she let me down a lot so I stopped making the effort.

Second best mate, who I met at work, is childless and moved to Bermuda 4 years ago. She is DS's godmother and we are the first person she contacts when she's coming home for a visit. As a consequence we see her about 4-5 times a year. She's not great at e-mailing as she has a really busy job but I love seeing her and it's never felt like we've lost our friendship or closeness in any way.

It's hard when you have different priorities but it can work.

Moorhen I didn't say anything to my friend.

She knows she is rubbish about getting in touch and is genuinely penitential (sp?) when we meet up. Of course now she is in NZ and has not sent me her address, sigh, so I can't keep in touch even though I asked for it.

TBH I don't think you will gain anything from making a big point of it. Why not organise a big night out in London once you have stopped BF and treat her as your honorary childless mate reserved for shopping and cocktails.