Help advise boyfriend active on what's app and takes hours to reply to me

Helpadviseme · 2022-10-26T08:38:03+00:00

Ok so I've noticed that my boyfriend takes ages to reply to me on Snapchat sometimes and then he's active on what's app a lot. I told him yesterday that I felt like he was being distant and he was making excuses saying he was busy and he can't have his phone in his hand all the time. Then he told me I was being unfair and I didn't have the balls to tell him that I saw him online alot on what's app when he didn't reply to me for ages. And I didn't tell him because I know he will probably think I'm physco .. so how would you guys approach this issue and please give me some constructive advice as to How I can handle this situation please

Ilovenotebooks · 26/10/2022 10:07

Oh for goodness sake. I can't bare when people over analyse stuff like this. It's rediculous and should stop after high school.

vodkaredbullgirl · 26/10/2022 10:10

I quickly look at texts or WhatsApp messages, if i'm busy and will reply hours later.

Stop over thinking.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/10/2022 10:24

I show as active on messaging apps when I’m online doing other things - basically when I’m doing something on my phone or iPad. It doesn’t mean I’m sitting on WhatsApp or indeed messaging someone else. I may be doing something online, catching up on admin etc and not available to chat/message.

I’d be pretty pissed off if someone took my presence online to mean I was available or were watching when I was/wasn’t online based on an app showing I was online. That kind of over analysis isn’t attractive to me.

In your shoes I’d be working on my own insecurity, because that’s what it is. If you were secure in yourself and your relationship you’d not be interpreting his availability and interest in you based on him being online/not.

Sam1986mm · 26/10/2022 10:25

Imagine being a grown man and using Snapchat

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 26/10/2022 10:30

Are you under the age of 14? This is pathetic.

blippi123 · 26/10/2022 10:33

Stalker

mindutopia · 26/10/2022 10:36

I'm on WhatsApp regularly for work and also for family group chats, etc. But I can take hours to reply to dh or sometimes I just don't reply at all. I sure hope he doesn't think I'm having an affair with a random on WhatsApp! I just can't be arsed to talk with him sometimes as have other things to do.

Passwordfail · 26/10/2022 10:36

You're going to get loads of reply's saying your obsessed and people can reply whenever they like etc. Truth is though if he was really keen he wouldn't leave you hanging for ages. End of day though if you have to analyse and second guess what's going on with him then he's probably not the one for you anyway.

JorisBonson · 26/10/2022 10:37

Don't worry, you'll be back go to school next week.

Navigatingthroughlife · 26/10/2022 11:32

I never understand why people need to be so cruel on these forums…how long are we talking in not replying?

Original poster

Helpadviseme · 26/10/2022 11:40

Navigatingthroughlife · 26/10/2022 11:32

I never understand why people need to be so cruel on these forums…how long are we talking in not replying?

Just a few hours tbh he treats me well most of the time and I know he loves me I just guess he maybe communicating with his mates I don't know really I guess I will just have to trust him. He is from another country though and lives here so I do get a bit anxious as he has two different numbers he communicates on

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/10/2022 11:42

This is me, to be honest. I'm on WhatsApp all the time but sometimes my husband is waiting hours for a reply. Right now I'm talking to colleagues, a council, five work groups, and about 18 groups of athletes; as well as a couple of friends, two baby groups, and my husband...

Navigatingthroughlife · 26/10/2022 11:47

Helpadviseme · 26/10/2022 11:40

Just a few hours tbh he treats me well most of the time and I know he loves me I just guess he maybe communicating with his mates I don't know really I guess I will just have to trust him. He is from another country though and lives here so I do get a bit anxious as he has two different numbers he communicates on

Show quote history

He could just be chatting away to his family from another country too I can imagine it must be hard being in a different country away from all your loved ones. Try not to overthink it he hasn’t given you a reason to question his trust. When you get itchy feet over the length of replies remind yourself of all his good traits x

9HrsSleep · 26/10/2022 19:18

It can be hurtful when you send your partner a WhatsApp message, see they're online, and they don't reply. You're bound to wonder why. We could speculate as to why... maybe he's online replying to work messages or his family, or perhaps he's left the WhatsApp app open and put his phone down, or perhaps he simply wants to reply to you later. But it's just speculation.

It's easy to fall into the false belief that once we send a message and see the recipient's online that they should reply instantly. This is dangerous, especially for relationships.

Try to work on not checking his online status once you've sent him a message. Stay busy. He will reply and when he does he won't be rushed. Don't let this become a big thing, because it will drive you nuts and could end your relationship.

Stay rational... it's only a WhatsApp message.

User7777 · 26/10/2022 23:52

I'm going to go against the general grain here and say he's not that interested.

I was dating a guy recently who was the same, and it fizzled it. I over thought it, and left ages to reply to him. And in the end we stopped messaging. You know, if someone is into you then they reply to your messages. This guy would always come up with reasons for not replying for his, but ultimately I needed someone who was interested enough to be excited by my message and wasn't to message me back. The times I've not messaged back quickly are when that person is not in my thoughts, and I want to be in someone thoughts in a relationship.

Talk to him, ask why he doesn't reply sooner. And judge it based on his actions - is he keen to meet up, is he reliable when you plan something? But ultimately if it is doing your head in then you're not a good fit .

Dery · 27/10/2022 06:39

I’m so glad I was dating pre-social media. We couldn’t track people’s activities in this way and people had more privacy.

If he’s generally treating you well then it’s oppressive and potentially controlling to monitor when he’s online and fret that he hasn’t replied to you, especially if it’s only a few hours. It’s healthy for him to have other things in his life apart from you. You would be better off getting busy rather than just waiting for him to reply.

If he’s not treating you well, then you’re better off out of it anyway.

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 07:12

OK.

My boyfriend and I vary between messaging straightaway and messaging a few hours later.

It might help you to think about why this is happening.l so that it stops you from overthinking.

Reasons my boyfriend and I don't reply immediately...

We haven't closed the app so it looks like we're online when we're not.

We are both in group chats that other people are messaging so we are 'online' in the sense that we've quickly opened these up to read/briefly respond to these messages but aren't engaged in a long conversation with them or our attention is taken up by these conversations. Especially if they are entertaining.

We might be chatting to someone we don't speak to often or haven't seen in while.

We might be speaking to our respective children/siblings.

We.might have the mental energy for chatting shit with our mates but not the mental energy for a more serious/mundane chat with each other.

We know we're going to see each other later that day so we arent each others priority at that moment.

Etc...

If he treats you well and these delayed responses are only for a few hours, I really think you're worrying about nothing and falling into the trap of thinking that "if he cared..." you'd be the most important thing to him and the only thing on his mind and he should be desperately missing you and wanting to be in touch constantly. Or at least be constantly available to you.

I had a boyfriend a few years ago who monitored when I was online. More extreme than you because he would message me every time I came offline to someone else to tell me that I'd been online but hadn't messaged him. I dumped him. Not for the messages telling me but for the fact he was monitoring me closely enough to know.

Real and healthy relationships don't work like that.

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 07:19

Passwordfail · 26/10/2022 10:36

You're going to get loads of reply's saying your obsessed and people can reply whenever they like etc. Truth is though if he was really keen he wouldn't leave you hanging for ages. End of day though if you have to analyse and second guess what's going on with him then he's probably not the one for you anyway.

Well it depends what her messages are really.

He might be in the headspace for inane chat with his mates but not a heart to heart with his girlfriend.

He might not perceive the message as being one he needs to reply to immediately.

It might be something he needs to give a considered response to.

There are any reasons someone doesn't reply immediately beyond Truth is though if he was really keen he wouldn't leave you hanging for ages

Or he might be a dick. Only the OP knows that. But, if he's a dick, not replying to messages immediately is the least of her concerns.

GreyCarpet · 27/10/2022 07:19

Passwordfail · 26/10/2022 10:36

You're going to get loads of reply's saying your obsessed and people can reply whenever they like etc. Truth is though if he was really keen he wouldn't leave you hanging for ages. End of day though if you have to analyse and second guess what's going on with him then he's probably not the one for you anyway.

Well it depends what her messages are really.

He might be in the headspace for inane chat with his mates but not a heart to heart with his girlfriend.

He might not perceive the message as being one he needs to reply to immediately.

It might be something he needs to give a considered response to.

There are any reasons someone doesn't reply immediately beyond Truth is though if he was really keen he wouldn't leave you hanging for ages

Or he might be a dick. Only the OP knows that. But, if he's a dick, not replying to messages immediately is the least of her concerns.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 27/10/2022 07:25

To add a counter perspective, my ex h never had his phone out of his hand, was constantly on it...except when we weren't together is seemed and I messaged him and then it seemed it took hours for him to even read the message, let alone reply.

He was having multiple affairs, I did challenge him on it but was told I was 'mental' and a 'controlling psycho'. My gut knew something was up. Hopefully that's not the case for you OP, and it's something else but you are ok to question this.

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 27/10/2022 07:39

Trust yourself. You feel he is ignoring you. His second phone number and the hours it takes him to reply make you nervous. No one on this board - no one - knows why he is doing this. People telling you it takes them hours to reply to their husband is not relevant or helpful in your situation.

Something is making you anxious about his behaviour. Believe your instincts. You wrote, I guess I will just have to trust him.

You do not. You do not have to trust him. You could split with him because he is not treating you the way you want to be treated. Maybe he is untrustworthy, maybe he's just busy. But you think he's hiding something or avoiding you, and your opinion is the only one that counts.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 27/10/2022 07:52

I don't know what Physco means but you sound unhinged if you're this stressed about how quickly he replies to you. He's at work, not just sitting around at home with his phone in hand ignoring your notifications. If you don't trust him or feel you have enough of his attention you're probably not the person for him

Whataretheodds · 27/10/2022 07:59

he treats me well most of the time

What's he like the rest of the time?