What do I advise friend to do ?

[Dramaqueenbee]

A close friend has revealed to me that one of the men in our social group( a close friend of her husband) has declared that he has had feelings for her for years and it is making her very uncomfortable. He has been inappropriate when he’s had a few drinks touching her leg or hand.He is otherwise a lovely guy and it seems to be only when he’s drunk but she says she feels like she’s betraying his wife and her husband as if either knew of his behaviour they would be devastated. Said guy made a pass at her years ago which her husband actually witnessed and they didn’t speak for years so it would be doubly devastating.She says it’s giving her sleepless nights and in all honesty I wish she’d never told me too as I’m also friends with everyone involved.

She needs to tell her DH. This guy isn't a 'lovely guy' lovely guys don't get drunk and hit on the wives of their friends. If he's done it before and she knows how much it upset her husband it is going to upset him even more when he finds out from someone else.

I agree about her telling her husband. I don’t understand why the husband would be ‘devastated’ if someone was making totally unwanted advances to his wife. Angry and upset with the perpetrator certainly, but ‘devastated’ would surely be more the case if he thought the wife was an active participant? He needs to know she isn’t! The groper guy is not lovely, but a sleaze bag who hits on the wives and girlfriends of other friends in the hope he gets lucky. The husband needs to be told and he can support your friend. If it causes issues in the friendship group it’s all down to the guy who can’t keep his hands to his self, nobody else.

I used the term devastated as my friends husband has picked this friendship back up after a long break and put it down as something that happened a long time in the past and I would even say that he is now his closest friend . Also his friends wife of many many years would surely be devastated to find out what her husband was up to behind her back. My friend is really very very upset about this and in no way an active participant.

He's not a lovely guy, he's a total sleazeball. He's a danger to her marriage, he has no respect for her, her husband, his wife, his family or marriage.
She needs to tell her husband, no doubt the sleazeball will accuse her of leading him on, but she can make it very clear she didn't..
Alcohol is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour.

Thankyou for those that have commented. I think I will tell her to talk to her husband. She has suffered from anxiety in the past and the situation has really made it worse. She had avoided meeting up with us as a group but her excuses have run out and I think her husband has started to wonder what is wrong.

I am beginning to wonder if he has done the same with others as he and his wife as a couple seem to have changed their friend groups several times….

God, it’s not her fault he’s chosen to fixate on her. Sounds stalkery AF! What a creep!!!

This guy is not a friend to her husband. Friends don't act like this! I agree with the other pps, your friend needs to tell her husband. Then, hopefully, this guy will be out of your friend group and the women can relax. Also, maybe the wife should know?

What happened with this@Dramaqueenbee

I think your friend needs to speak up. If my husband picked up a friendship with his friend that made passes at me every time he was drunk, I would tell my husband I would prefer he didn’t pick this friendship up and exactly why not. I wouldn’t even have an internal debate with myself or hesitate in telling my husband, it would require more thought regarding the other wife.

She says it’s giving her sleepless nights and in all honesty I wish she’d never told me too as I’m also friends with everyone involved.

With friends like you, who needs sleazy sex pests?
You are absolutely brazen in your lack of care for your poor friend.
You would rather YOU didn't have to cope with any social fallout & SHE kept her problems to herself? Despite her losing sleep over it, despite the anxiety it's causing her, despite her (misplaced) worries about her DH's reaction?

If I were her I would tell the guy to back off and any repeats of touching she’ll tell his wife and her husband

He's actually sexually harassing her and if it doesn't get stopped he may escalate to sexual assault - while he's getting away with it, his confidence and complacency in her silence will grow. He may even tell himself (and others) that she's a willing participant.

The guy needs ejecting from the social circle.

SunflowerTed · Yesterday 13:43
“If I were her I would tell the guy to back off and any repeats of touching she’ll tell his wife and her husband”
This is exactly what she did. The guy was extremely apologetic and assured her it will never happen again.

The poor friend is actually me. Disguised initial post to avoid outing.

Whaaaaaaaaat?!
That was well-concealed, with the "wish she hadn't told me" then ...

“If I were her I would tell the guy to back off and any repeats of touching she’ll tell his wife and her husband”
This is exactly what she did. The guy was extremely apologetic and assured her it will never happen again.
.
Have you seen SleazeGuy since he gave his assurance?
And what's going on that you felt unable to just tell your DH what Sleaze was doing?

You need to blow this up. Because if you don't, as I said before, he may escalate to worse things.

And he's no friend to your husband if he's feeling up his wife every opportunity.

Stop putting men's hurty feelings above your own safety and bodily autonomy.

Any time his hand is on you inappropriately say loudly and firmly
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME

Doesn't matter who is there to hear. Everyone needs to hear.

Stop putting social niceties and your husband's friendships above your safety and comfort.

If one of your friends was feeling up your husband and he did nothing, to 'keep the peace' I imagine you'd not react well if you found out.