Should I ask my partner for an open relationship? In a platonic but not unhappy LTR

[anonusername44]

I've been with my partner for over 15 years now, and while we click on so many levels, it's more of a platonic close friendship than anything romantic or passionate. I do like my day to day life though and don't want to rip it apart.

We have lived together for over 12 years and our values, views and goals are aligned in so many ways. Neither of us has or wants kids and we share hobbies that we have fun doing together, and equally have our own time too.

It feels mutual that we have fallen into something platonic, and neither one of us initiates sex or intimacy and haven't in a while now. But we are still happy and get along, I just miss having the passionate/intimate connection element.

I'm wondering if there's an alternate option to breaking up as I don't think either of us want that. I'm sure in old age we would be quite content as we get along well and are in sync. We also have a shared friendship group and have all grown up together, not to mention our families are incredibly close and have blended into one basically.

We have a great friendship with trust and support, we can have lots of fun together and serious chats when needed. In some ways he is my soulmate there's just something missing in the form of a spark, flirting etc. I guess it's the classic 'love them but not in love with them' and equal on both sides.

I'd love to hear any advice, particularly those people who did open up their relationships and how it worked out. I'm wondering if basically we opened things up, could explore elsewhere but we would remain the primary relationship. And I'm not talking tons of sleeping around, maybe another person to tick the boxes we no longer do for each other.

I'd rather be ethical about this than cross lines and cheat. So i'm just trying to understand a bit more about these types of relationships to know whether I should have the conversation with him, and if I do, how to explain what I'm thinking.

You're going to get a lot of people on here telling you it's a terrible idea, but it can work.
However, it's much harder opening up an existing relationship than it is to be non-monogamous from the start.
It's also easy to decide beforehand what your boundaries are going to be (e.g sex only) but that can get messy once another real life human comes on the scene.
The big question is how do you think your partner will feel about it? You both need to want it for it to work.
I'm not sure MN is the best place for advice on this though. Maybe see if there's a local poly group. They often have FB groups where people talk about how it all can work or casual friendly meetups.
I also strongly recommend reading 'Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator' book which covers the wide variety of ways that people do non-monogamous relationships in an ethical way. I've been in open relationships for some time and it's an excellent read.
offescalator.com/

Thanks so much for this it's really helpful. I'll definitely have a look around and check out that site :-)

I know there's probably a lot to consider and think about.. but I like to think things aren't always black and white and maybe there's a way forward that might work for us both, without losing what we have.

I don’t think open relationships which are primarily open because you don’t fancy or want to have sex with your primary partner are at all sustainable. Unless you’re asexual and / or don’t think of sex as at all important (which doesn’t seem to be the case here) then it’s such a crucial aspect that you’re missing (and it sounds like wanting) from the person you’re supposed to love the most, particularly as it’s going to mean living with the knowledge that they don’t want it with you but are doing it with somebody else.

And I speak as somebody in an open relationship with a partner who I have sex with every day so I am a) not judgemental of non-monogamy and b) understand how important it is, if you are, to still wildly fancy the person your primary relationship is with.

Separate, and find somebody who desires you and let your partner do the same. It isn’t the end of the world. If you’re good friends currently then you can translate that to being good friends (and perhaps even better friends) when apart. Breaking up doesn’t have to mean an acrimonious split.

I'm not sure I want to separate and lead totally different lives apart from each other though. I enjoy living with him, doing our thing together and our routine. It's just platonic from what it was.. we got together at 18/19 so I'm not sure if that's a factor.

Also if we were to separate and meet new people, there's the chance our partners wouldn't approve of us still being close friends. I see it all the time with people taking issue with opposite sex friendships once they're a bit more than casual acquaintances.

Be prepared to part company entirely if your partner isn't up for this.

I think you either need to try and regain the spark or agree to part and give a full relationship a chance.

It’s clear that you at least miss the sexual part of the relationship. Your are thirty five and I don’t think you should settle for just ok

I'm also wondering how common this is. Like are some other people in LTRs also feeling this way, yet stay because it's comfortable, for children/financial reasons etc.

Mine isn't that really.. I guess it'll always play a part. But I'm very fond of him still and care about him loads. I don't want us to become strangers or totally distant from each other. I feel lost and unsure where I go from here.

So you're only in your 30's? I'd guessed at 50's from your op.

If you do open the relationship up, I think there's a very real probability that one of you will meet someone else that they want a proper relationship with, and you'll end up splitting anyway, just in messier circumstances.

You speak about having a good life together and being good friends and in synch and comfortable. Take away and mull on the following: What if he wants to date as well as just have sex? What if he wants to take them to all the places you and he go together for special occasions? Your favourite restaurants, where you went for your anniversaries? What if he wants to go on holiday with one of them? And do so using up annual leave which he then can’t spend with you? What if he wants to have several other women on the go rather than just one person, as you think would satisfy you? AndCan they have sex which involves the acts or positions you and he never did together because you don’t like them? If not, why not? Can they have unprotected sex?

If you’re considering it, these are all things you’d need to talk about with each other and be really clear and open about. You need to trust the other, trust that they’ll stick by whatever you’ve agreed, and know that they’ll always have your interests at heart. If that sounds hard, an open relationship is off the cards.

Have you tried to reignite the spark between you? I would definitely want to really work on that first because what if you enter an open relationship and it leads to one of you developing feelings for someone else and wanting to be with them instead? Not saying it can’t work I just think it’s risky

I have thought how we could get the spark back but I'm not sure it's entirely possible. We can go out for meals, day trips, have a really lovely day and get on and laugh the entire time but it never makes me want to rip his clothes off or kiss him etc.

I read in a magazine an article on 'platonic life partners' and that kind of sums up how we are, so in my head I'm wondering if we transition to that and openly acknowledge things as that. Whether it's practical or realistic though I'm unsure.

I guess there's always the possibility of someone liking someone else and wanting to leave to be with them in any situation.. open relationship or just a normal relationship that has lost its sparkle or drifted apart. Not sure if my logic is right but I guess allowing ourselves to see other people might be the best of both worlds. But I don't know.. this is all new territory to me and I'm trying to figure out what options there are that aren't a grenade into my not overly unhappy life...

Have you looked at the deeper issue as to why you no longer want to rip his clothes off etc?
Can you put a point on when it changed and if so why?

Lots of couples who meet in their teens grow apart in their 20s and 30s. Sounds like this is what's happened to you.

With no children, at 35 you still have time to meet someone else and have a family if that's what you want.

I would be asking myself what's so very terrifying about being single and going it alone for a while. Are you avoiding having to 'adult' by yourself?

You're awfully young to be hitching yourself long-term to something that's dead in the water.

He's never been a massively sexual person.. so there was never a lot of that from his side, it was more me in the early stages. Not sure if it's a confidence thing or not.

But now I just look at him and I get this grin on my face seeing him happy or smiling at something, and I want to be around him lots.. but I just don't have a physical attraction towards him in a sexual way.

Wondering if this just always happens eventually..

It's not that I'm terrified of being alone as I'm very independent. It's that part of me doesn't want to leave him, enjoys his company and really cares for him and knows he does me.

It's just not a sexual thing anymore although there is affection in other ways. And we click on so many things who's to know if someone else would click better - we may click sexually but there could be just as many problems in different ways.

I'm just not sure if this type of thing is inevitable, 16 years down the line.

It's not inevitable. DH and I have been together 13 years and the sexual spark is still very much there.

You just seem so young to be settling for half measures. When I read your op I honestly thought you were in your late 50s.

I get that you really love him as a best friend, but you're missing out on the opportunity to have the whole package with someone else.

I didn’t realise you were only 35!
how long has it been non- sexual between you? I go through phases of not wanting sex but then once I do it I remember what I’ve been missing haha.
When I don’t feel like having sex with my partner I don’t want to have it with someone else, and definitely would never want to think of him sleeping with someone else.
I think it might be time to accept that you are just best friends now and try to find someone else. I think as someone else has said, if you go for an open relationship and end up having great sex with someone else you will realise you could probably have it all…

Shy bairns get nowt.

You need to be aware that you're probably suggesting the long drawn out break up though. You're young, you or he will probably meet that person who floats all the boats.

You need to have a conversation with your bloke.

Been with my husband 16 years and we're 38 now, we still have sex 3/4 times a week so I wouldn't say its inevitable at this stage. If I were you I'd be having a serious conversation with him and possibly even some kind of counselling to see if there was anything that could be done to get that spark back before looking at other options

Would suggest discussing with partner how to get the spark back, if that fails then separating but staying good friends.

If hes very close to you but not massively sexual then its going to be a mess living together, sleeling in the same bed etc with him knowing you've been having sex with another bloke, its not fair to him and as suggested long term you might be happier single and finding someone else who you have a spark with.

Unfortunately you have to put your big girl pants on and make a decision possibly to go it alone, rather than get into a messy open relationship or you'll possibly cheat on him, which would be a disaster for your friendship.