How to seperate with no money, feel so trapped

[Longingformore50]

OK so I'm 100% I want to seperate from my husband. Been together a very long time, have 2 kids. We have tried to work on the issues that have been going on for years and it doesn't work. Now at the point of no return I feel.
I have been a sahm for 10 years and just worked in a call centre before that on minimum wage. As many women have done (big mistake) I have stayed at home & took full responsibility for house /kids while husband climbed the ranks and is now a decent earner. Not massive but we manage. Ive been longing to go back to work for years but he didn't want me to as he likes me doing everything. He basically told me he wouldn't be available for any childcare ever so I wouldnt be able to cover the 13 weeks school holidays myself & I also couldn't pay for childcare and he refused. So I am trapped.
He isn't controlling with money, I can buy whatever I want etc, but he has controlled that I can't work. So I have no money of my own. I've told him I'll get a work from home job to make things easier but he said the money I would earn would have to go into family pot so I still wouldn't be able to build up any savings of my own.

Now on top of all that is the current economic crisis with the huge electric / gas bills etc and I feel like I can never, ever seperate from him. And it's making me feel trapped, isolated and desperate.
We own our home, he pays all the bills etc so he couldn't possibly leave as wouldn't be able to afford to run two properties until I can take over. I can't bare the thought of separating but still living in the same house, that would just be a million times worse than now.
If I just go for it and push to do it I obviously will have to work (no problem) but I won't earn enough to even cover the bills and I would have to claim universal credit to top it up.
I can't believe I've allowed myself to become trapped in this situation. In a life I don't want. My choices are to stay with him to get the bills paid & be desperately unhappy. Or seperate, and struggle to pay the bills and provide for the children. I can't believe I've got myself into this situation

Have you checked how much child maintenance you'll be able to get? Might make some difference in what you can afford while you shore up your earnings

I've no idea how much I could get but it wouldn't be much I don't think because he doesn't have much left a month after paying all the bills, food, fuel, everything for the family etc. And that is before he would have to pay anything for himself

if you can spend what you want then get cashback from your supermarket spend. Not loads - £15 here and there and save that. Do you have your own bank account?

would he know if you did some WFH? You can do some paid surveys online, perhaps part time in school hours and check your entitlement to benefits. Get your CV together anyway - how old are your children?

you need to get enough £ to be able to rent (10 weeks) and then perhaps ask around. You may be able to get weekday jobs covering lunches in the nearby pubs or restaurants, and depending on the ages of your children or how near or helpful your family or friends are, once you’ve left, do a few more hours.

If he’s refusing to do any childcare or have the children then he wouldn’t need an x size house.

During a divorce they look at separating assets based on need, so you’d be looking to receive more than 50% if he never has the children.

It sounds like coercive control so I’d be tempted to speak to women’s aid and see what assistance they can give.

Child maintenance is calculated as a percentage of his income (adjusted for the amount he has them overnight etc) - it doesn't matter what his outgoings are, it's up to him to adjust his lifestyle accordingly to afford the child maintenance.

If he's self employed he will probably be able to dodge the CMS, but if he's a regular employee then it will be much more difficult. Go on the CMS website and put in the numbers for his salary to figure out how much you will be able to get, it may well be more than you are expecting.

They are his kids too, if he won't spend his time to support their upbringing he will need to spend his money to do it instead.

I'd call his bluff and get a job then figure it out from there. That desperate and lost feeling might evaporate once you're back in the workforce.

Don't let him tell you what you do with your life. He can't wiggle out of all parenting.

Definitely get a job; even something within school hours to give you back a sense of purpose. Divide money earnt so you have some savings or at least your own pension. Have a good look to see whast you'd be entitled to, I work and get UC top up and it adds up to a decent amount by the time I add in Wage, UC, child benefit and maintenance. You can also claim back up to 85% of childcare costs up to £1100 a month so holiday clubs or after school clubs.

I think you need to get a job but I dont think its reasonable to think that if you do then you keep hold of all of the money. I agree it needs to go into the family pot. but thats not really the issue is it. you want to leave so you need to leave and then the family pot becomes your sole responsibility. you know what he earns so go to citizens advice and work out how much you would get in maintenance. then work out what sort of job you could get and the amount you could earn. at the moment you are saying no to leaving based on no financial facts whatsoever. I can understand this, he wants you to feel trapped and so you are. but to become free of him you need to find out the full facts particularly the financials. your life wont be as materially comfortable as it is now thats for sure but you will be being true to yourself and giving yourself a chance at happiness elsewhere. the children wont be with you forever and you need to start building your new life now.

But if you split he will have a smaller house with no children in it (I assume you'd have them full time as he refuses to do childcare) so he would have more money leftover and there's a set amount he'd have to pay.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwteOaBhDuARIsADBqRehB9t4_79QDkLO_qKR67prHEOGAzbfyypb1LgV1B40yEtNJCurwSFIaApVtEALw_wcB

What would he do if you did get a job?

What would he do if you told him you were leaving with the kids (best guess)?

I couldn't leave as I wouldn't be accepted anywhere, as have no money, no income right now, I can't qualify for loans or credit cards because of no income etc. I own a bigger share of the property than him. And the house is only in my name. I know this can be contested etc but he would need to leave.
I know I sound like I'm creating problems to not work, but I'm also a carer for my disabled dad and spend alot of time looking after him every day, and I'm also disabled myself (not registered or claiming) with a severe chronic back condition and nerve damage in my legs. Some days I'm fine, other days I can't walk, move or even go to the toilet by myself. This is why I need a work from home job. I'm going to try extremely hard to get one and at least try to get abit of financial independence which may give me the strength to push forward with the separation

Will you be able to manage on your own with the children in that case?

You could possibly get a legal order to remove him from the house if he won't go when you ask him to.

@JanglyBeads yes the children are at school when I see my dad, & they are older so if I'm off my feet for a few days they can look after themselves easily. They are teens

The first thing I'd do is start a claim for Personal Independence Payment (PIP). This is not an income based benefit, anyone is entitled to it based on their mobility and care needs due to their disability. If you have this in place, and you decide to separate, you will be able to claim a larger amount in universal credit due to disability premiums. And it will give you some money to start saving. There is no need to let him know this is what you are doing!

Also, see if you can claim Carer's Allowance for looking after your father. It's not much, approximately £70 per week, but is at least a little you can squirrel away.

From someone who's been where you are now, I know it seems hopeless. But with the help of the benefits system (and helping people when they're in a difficult situation is exactly what it's for!), it is possible to get back on your feet. Yes, it's tough to start with, but so worth it when you can live your own life with your children.

Good luck. 💐

I'm not sure you are entirely clear on how the law views the economic situation for a married couple in a long marriage.

The initial start point for negotiation would be

• a 50:50 split of all assets, regardless of whose name they are in. So a 50:50 split of the equity in the house, his pension, any savings, anything else of any value
• the non-resident parent paying the other parent child maintenance in line with CMS as above

If you look at it that way, and factor in PIP, and/or carers allowance and/or universal credit, does it all look a bit more doable?

By the way, he is controlling and some (I) would say financially abusive.

Hi op I'm sorry but he is controlling with money telling you he will never be available to look after your children saying what ever you earn has to go in the family pot that's controlling money and your ability to work I wish you luck but please do whatever will make you happy 😊

Phone a solicitor and get some free advice, most will chat for an hour to let you know the lie of the land.

you might be surprised as to what you are entitled to. Just because he does have much money left at the end of the month doesn’t mean you won’t get much. They work it out based on earnings, not what’s left after someone has frittered away earnings.

im not saying it will be easy, but you might not be as trapped as you think.

Do you receive child benefit into your own bank account ?

Sorry but you do t own the house. It’s a joint marital
asset even though it’s in your name

see a solicitor
work out your assets and what share you might receive
get a job
look at what benefits you could get to top you up if appropriate
ultimately when division of assets done/ house sold/ he’s no longer paying any part of that, claim cms

the house is both of your equally because you are married. Separate now before the kids reach 18 and you should end up with a bigger share of the property but not much. See a solicitor

take it one step at a time and get a job.

Unfortunately many women in your case. Not abused, but never saved enough and stay at home .....oh dear.

Don't disasterise. If you want to divorce then get all of the facts at hand and work out a way forward. See a solicitor. Work out your finances properly, learn how maintenance works, find out what your likely settlement might be
and move in that direction. It's not easy, but it is more possible than you think.

Facts are your friend.

His threat that he won’t help with childcare is redundant now that your children are teens. Getting a job is your priority now, and he doesn’t get a say in it.

Get CAB to do a benefit entitlement check too for things like carers allowance and your own health needs if you were to separate.