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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How should I have deal with this subject?

13 replies

CuddleWithMyKittyCat · 25/10/2022 23:24

Hi,
I am not sure how to start, I need a sanity check.
With my partner, I find myself mostly in defence.
He asked me this morning if I left an Hallowe'en present in bathroom. It was a live spider in the toilet. I am absolutely terrified of spiders. Why would he think I touched a live spider?
Other time, he received a package and my youngest opens it, the respective item in the package was already open. Even if my DS says that he just opened it and found it like that, my DP asked me if I opened it. During the time from receiving the package and opening it, I didn't even moved from the sofa.
If he cannot find something, I am the first to be asked if I did it? There are 2 children in the house and 2 kittens, things get moved.
When I raised the topic that this questions are upsetting me, he just tells me that he wants to find out the facts, eliminate possibilities.
My question: am I just being too sensitive getting upset about these questions? How can I deal with this?

OP posts:
MrsTeaShore · 25/10/2022 23:45

This would really annoy me and I very much sympathise with you. I am also over sensitive to things like this that my DH would say. It’s easy to feel defensive and feel like he’s getting at you and it ultimately makes you feel a bit rubbish if you dwell on it. But perhaps try and laugh it off to show him that actually he’s being a bit ridiculous ? Or even ask in a light hearted way “why would it be me when I’m not even in the room !? “. Etc etc The positive thing is that they are quite minor things AND you’ve done nothing wrong so hopefully you can try and not let it get to you so much.

Guessie · 26/10/2022 00:17

I dunno. Depends on how it was asked. If aggressive and shouty then of course it's not on. If jokingly asking about a spider, asking if you've moved something simply because he wants to find it and you might have tidied it up, asking if you opened his post out of curiosity as someone had obviously opened it and he wants to ask you before accusing the kids, then totally fine! All relevant and probably need a bit more detail....

saraclara · 26/10/2022 00:18

The spider thing was a joke, surely?

Original poster
CuddleWithMyKittyCat · 26/10/2022 00:34

It really was an alive spider in the toilet. No joke. He didn’t get scared, just flashed it and was gone. But now I’m more cautious going to the toilet.
But knowing I am sensitive, should I stop bring up next time something that bother me? For him, the subject was closed from the morning. In a way I see his point, but should I just churn inside until I get pass it, so not to upset him by bringing it up?
The tone of these exact questions was calm, as matter of fact.
I just wanted to share how I feel with him. How should I talk about this with him without him feeling accused?

OP posts:
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 26/10/2022 00:37

You overthink normal things .

Guessie · 26/10/2022 00:38

CuddleWithMyKittyCat · 26/10/2022 00:34

It really was an alive spider in the toilet. No joke. He didn’t get scared, just flashed it and was gone. But now I’m more cautious going to the toilet.
But knowing I am sensitive, should I stop bring up next time something that bother me? For him, the subject was closed from the morning. In a way I see his point, but should I just churn inside until I get pass it, so not to upset him by bringing it up?
The tone of these exact questions was calm, as matter of fact.
I just wanted to share how I feel with him. How should I talk about this with him without him feeling accused?

You are being weird OP

saraclara · 26/10/2022 00:47

He saw a spider in the toilet. He flushed it away. He made a joke about it, what with it being Halloween soon.

Absolutely 100% normal behaviour. I really don't understand you, OP.

Likewise "did you move my..." was a very frequent question on my household. When you think you put something down somewhere and it's gone, it's normal to winner of someone tidied it away.

This is a bewildering OP. You seem to be reading far more into normal comments than is intended.

saraclara · 26/10/2022 00:47

Winner= wonder

Original poster
CuddleWithMyKittyCat · 26/10/2022 01:30

Thank you all for your answers and the new perspective. I do have a tendency to overthink. I am aware of that, and that I come across as weird and I needed help, as I have said: a sanity check.
But apparently I am getting worse, if I didn't realise for these cases. I usually realise and keep quiet in moments like this.
Will try to work harder on my impulses and meditate more, maybe get an GP appointment to check my peri menopause hormones.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 26/10/2022 01:35

You sound sensitive

Pixiedust1234 · 26/10/2022 01:36

I'm sorry OP but unless there is more background then you sound oversensitive. I've had periods like this and I find its linked to depression, a sort of paranoia. Definitely speak to your GP.

Aprilx · 26/10/2022 07:51

The spider thing was a joke, I am truly at a loss as to why you would be upset about this. To the rest, hard to tell, I think it is pretty normal to ask the other adult in the household if they have seen something or moved something, but I guess it depends how he does this. If it is anything like the spider question though, then yes you are being super sensitive.

haveyourcakeandeatit · 26/10/2022 13:37

Crikey, you sound like handwork.

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