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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship but what do I do?

22 replies

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 22:08

Hi! So my ex of 9 years and father to our 6 months old at the time left me 7 months ago quite unexpectedly. Still has lots of contact and has our son. However….
I met someone about 8 weeks after we split. It was so lovely to feel flattered again. He accepted I had a son and he has two children himself. Things have been going really well. But I miss my Ex. I miss my old life so badly. Adapting to a new relationship when he has children has been so hard, they come to stay and I feel like my house is taken over. I’m not sure this is the life I want after all but I’m really falling for him. But in the back of my head I just think of my ex and how he would do things differently around the house and when he comes to cooking.
I’m not sure things will ever be the same with my ex. I’m sure they won’t but I just dont know what to do.
The new guy I’m seeing absolutely adores me and couldn’t do enough. I’ve told him how I feel regards to his kids but he says he will do what he can to make this work.
has anyone else been in this situation? Please shed some light.
my head is frazzled

Thankyou

OP posts:

DosCervezas · 25/10/2022 22:28

There's no rule book, but what strikes me is that this seems like a very speedy transition along breaking up, meeting new partner and them moving in. Slow down, you might need more time before you are ready to move forward and be over your ex.

ExtraJalapenos · 25/10/2022 22:28

You haven't given yourself enough time to recover from your break up. You have to find some time to get used having some level of routine as a single parent and take all of this slowly.
And also, you met new partner only 5 months ago and his kids are staying over? Way way waaaaay too soon!

Give yourself a break. This is overinvestment.

I split with exh 3.5 years ago. I've been with DP around 1.5 years, he's met my DD twice. He doesn't have his own kids, he only stays weekends whilst DD is at her dad's and pop outs when DD comes home on Sunday night so I can have my evening with her. There is no way I would enforce a relationship with my DD on him.

5 months is startling
No wonder you feel like this.

ExtraJalapenos · 25/10/2022 22:30

Sorry to add, I wouldn't force a relationship this early is what I meant to say. It's gradual and I'd rather her slowly get to know my DP, and vice versa. And just enjoy the dating part!

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 22:32

Your heart isn't in this new relationship. You're not welcoming to his children and thinking about your ex. How would you feel if he told you that your child is 'taking over' his house... you'd be mortified. You need to let this new guy go so he can find a woman who will truly love him AND his kids, whilst you work out your feelings towards your ex. You're not being fair.

Original poster

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 22:39

Thankyou for your reply!
I agree, it’s far to soon but he was so desperate for me to meet his kids and after him leaving the family home after he spilt with his ex he has been staying on his mums sofa so I feel like he relies on me to have him and his children so they have somewhere to stay….
how do I possibly walk away from someone who can’t see their life without me? I feel like I have some much pressure on my shoulders and don’t know where to turn. I hate hurting people xx

OP posts:

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 22:42

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man with nowhere to live... he's using you for a somewhere to crash, away from his mums!

Original poster

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 22:43

I’m very welcoming to his children, I run around after them, play with them. But their behaviour isn’t always good and when they are screaming and demanding it does feel like my house is being flake over.
ive tried to let him go but he gets so upset

OP posts:

NewRoleQuiteNervous · 25/10/2022 22:43

Potentially this may come across as dramatic but as PPs have said....this is too much too soon. You met someone only 2 months after splitting and then fairly soon after you meet his children?

It's too soon and that is a lot for children to deal with so quickly. Now you say that you feel he expects you to host his children and him as he's living on his mums couch?

I feel that he's seeing you as a good option for him to springboard off and get something sorted for himself rather than enjoying the course of getting to know each other.

I'd be wary of his (conscious/subconscious) intentions and wary of his expectations

NewRoleQuiteNervous · 25/10/2022 22:44

After your update, I'm going to be less gentle, I believe he is using you. And you are allowing it.

Genuinely, I don't think this can end well if you let it continue. Not for you, and not for your children or his

DosCervezas · 25/10/2022 22:48

You need to accept that he and his kids aren't your responsibility. That's not unkind, it's reality. You have your own life and child to put first. Ask him to move out and then decide if you want to take things slowly with him.

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 22:48

I'd knock thos relationship on the head, neither of you are in it for the right reasons. You need to be single for a while and work out how you feel about your ex and he needs to get his housing situation sorted for his family. Just be honest, say it's all happened too fast and you've made a mistake. Break contact with him and focus on your life.

LemonDrop22 · 25/10/2022 22:49

Is he using you as a venue, entertainment and care for his kids when he has them?

They shouldn't even have been introduced at this point.

Original poster

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 22:50

Luckily he doesn’t live with me, just stays weekends. And every other his children stay too. I told him at the weekend I feel like we’ve gone from dating straight into a blended family and it’s to much. He does understand and said he will only come round the weekends he doesn’t have his children.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 25/10/2022 22:55

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 22:42

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man with nowhere to live... he's using you for a somewhere to crash, away from his mums!

This. You need to read this again OP. He saw you coming, saw you were vulnerable and he's making his move. He'll be moved in with you as soon as he can. Sob story at Christmas or he's been kicked out.

You're not ready for a new relationship, him getting upset is not your problem.

DatingDinosaur · 25/10/2022 23:02

“he was so desperate for me to meet his kids and after him leaving the family home after he spilt with his ex he has been staying on his mums sofa so I feel like he relies on me to have him and his children so they have somewhere to stay….”

Massive, MASSIVE Red Flag.

I'm sorry but, he might not actually be interested in YOU. Just a place to stay and a substitute mother for his kids when he has them and he’s spotted your vulnerability of being all of a tizz over your ex and is capitalising on that.

Tread with utmost caution. Eyes WIDE open.

Original poster

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 23:05

I’m not sticking up for him but I’ve definitely made that sound worse than it is. He has places to stay with his children other than mine. And if I say he can’t come at the weekend he totally accepts that… I don’t think he’s using me, I’m not the kind of person to allow that. He knows I’m a very strong independent person. It’s just been nice to spend weekend with someone again instead of being on my own all the time.

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 25/10/2022 23:12

I’ve told him how I feel regards to his kids but he says he will do what he can to make this work.

Except he won't do everything he can.

Because if he actually listened to you, he'd say yes sorry it's moved too fast and I get that it's been too much, too soon, let's go back to dating again rather than whole weekends together etc.

Instead he's just kind of shushed you and made you feel like you owe him a relationship because he's (apparently) not an arsehole.

In actual fact he sounds manipulative and emotionally incredibly immature.

You're worried about breaking up with someone you've been with for only five months as he's said or made you feel like he 'can't live without you'?!

We'll you'd hope his children, who he apparently cares about a lot, would keep him hanging on and getting on with his life really wouldn't you?

Your boundaries are way off here I'm afraid. You met him at a time you felt very vulnerable emotionally and it must have felt nice being wanted and complimented, having someone to talk to etc.

But the relationship has moved at a completely unhealthy pace, especially considering children are involved.

Him bringing kids to your home this early on is so irresponsible and I'm afraid you letting him do so, and thinking it's sensible, isn't a great decision either.

Josette77 · 25/10/2022 23:14

You were only single for 8 weeks and have a baby. You need to learn to be alone. He is not your problem.

Whynowffs · 25/10/2022 23:34

OP my marriage ended in April and I too met a new man only 8 weeks later. I have a 10 yr old and he has 2 children.
We are both taking it really slowly and I wouldn't even consider introducing him into my daughter's life at this stage.

Personally I feel a bit of a mess, still wondering where it all went wrong and honestly wondering if I'm ready for exploring the possibility of a new relationship. I do think that you need to take a step back but I completely agree with you that it's so lovely to spend time together when you've felt so alone.

Original poster

Wingingitmama92 · 25/10/2022 23:40

Whynowffs · 25/10/2022 23:34

Thankyou, someone who understand.
don’t get me wrong, if my son was older I wouldn’t of introduced him so soon, but he’s to young to know who he is atm.
I know exactly how you feel tho, I’m from a big family and being on my own weekends and evenings can be very long and mentally draining. I never intended on meeting anyone so quickly, we just clicked and we have a lot of laughs and good times together.
Like said one said previously, there is no rule book, some people have an Affair and end up being together forever more with no space inbetween.
im Just trying to work out weather giving it another go with my ex would be the worse or best decision of my life

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 25/10/2022 23:44

Thankyou, someone who understand. don’t get me wrong, if my son was older I wouldn’t of introduced him so soon, but he’s to young to know who he is atm

But this man has introduced his kids to you and has them stay in your home. So you can see what poor judgement he has as a parent, if you yourself wouldn't do so at this stage if your kids were the same age as his?

I'm Just trying to work out weather giving it another go with my ex would be the worse or best decision of my life

Do you mean your baby's father? Or this guy?

My love you've had so many changes over the last few months. Please, be single for a while and allow yourself the time needed to process all these changes rather than seeing life as a choice between your ex and this man.

If a relationship is causing you anxiety at five months in, it's not the right one.

This is all too much, too soon.

Whynowffs · 26/10/2022 00:31

@Wingingitmama92 same here, I grew up in a happy, busy, bustling home which was full of life. I never saw myself sitting on my own in a house surrounded by complete silence feeling like the only person in the world to be alone. Sounds so dramatic but everyone else seems to be busy in their couples.

A close friend of mine actually had an affair, left her H for him and they're getting married. Their families have blended together perfectly and although I don't condone it at all, they're happy. You just never know.

I am flitting between thinking if we tried again would it be a huge mistake or did we need this break to become stronger.

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