Talk Me Through This - NO Judgement Please

[tkmethrthis]

Several years ago my husband raped me in my sleep. He did this several times when I was very vulnerable dealing with our child with additional needs.

Despite knowing that this was wrong I wasn't in a good place financially to end the relationship and my children wouldn't have coped with us separating.

We are now a good few years down the line. I'll be honest I don't deal well with the idea of separating, mostly because of financial worries, I haven't worked despite being highly educated because of our eldest's needs. We are married but I dont' have a penny to my own name.

Our children are in their teens they are still dependent. I don't work or have any savings.

I am at my final straw over something a bit ridiculous. I keep trying to call him out in misogyny and he won't agree that AGP males aren't women. I can't be with this man. I've always known this, I threw him into a sparate room 5 years ago after the rape.

I need to end this but need strength and a massive hand hold. I've emailed him tonight (pathetic I know). to say that his support of misogynists mean we can't be together and I need him to leave quitely. What do I do next? I have nothing.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through Op. in terms of family support, do you have any? I think you’re incredibly brave and I wish you nothing but future happiness. You obviously know you deserve better and while it will be difficult, you can and will make it through this.

Thanks but no I don't really have any family support.

I do have family but we aren't close. I don't want the family i have to know what has happened. I don't think I'd find it helpful.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Remember that there doesn't need to be a big reason to end a relationship.

Get all your paperwork together, and go see a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to before doing anything more.

I understand, I have very little support from my family overseas and if I were in your shoes, his family would obviously side against me. What about a friend? I was astounded once when I was in a dark place that the people who came through for me weren’t my closest- it’s at times like these when you reach out, people can prove themselves. I’d struggle reaching out myself so I do understand if you feel you cannot. Next port of call- local council? Your kids will need to stay with you and they cannot make you all homeless. I’m not familiar with legal system here so hopefully someone else can chime in. I just wanted to say I hear you and you will be ok. That’s one thing life has taught me… somehow things do work out in the end.

Women's Aid may be worth a call.

Sorry you’ve had to deal with this.

Hugs. I wish you strength, sister.

You don't need to give a reason why it is over. Don't get drawn into defending yourself. Grey rock.

thanks this is massively helpful.

I need some help talking through what I do. I'm the home parent. Do I have to leave? We are both on the mortgage, can I ask him to leave?

Woman's aid weren't much interested when I called a few years ago about being raped because I said I wasn't in physical danger at the time. he's never laid a finger other than the rapes.

Here are some links to help. You can call Solace Women's Aid. Free helpline 0808 802 5565
www.solacewomensaid.org
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
rightsofwomen.org.uk

I am so sorry you have been through such trauma.

England Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline
0808 2000 247
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/Chat-to-us-online

Northern Ireland Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline
0808 802 1414

Scotland Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
0800 027 1234

[email protected]
Wales Live Fear Free
0808 80 10 800

It may seem weird that this is your line in the sand, but actually his defence of men who overstep women’s boundaries will be ringing alarm bells for you.

There is lots of help available to support you getting out. And as you’re married you will probably find you’re better off than you are now with access to his money and single parent benefits etc rather than being kept penniless at his mercy.

There is life on the other side and you (and your children) deserve it.

he's never laid a finger other than the rapes.

that is such a sad sentence

thanks but do I qualify for this when the abuse was more than 5 years ago?

At the time I contacted women's aid and they weren't terribly interested when I said that I wasn't being physically harmed. I now know that I was, but a the time I wasn't sure that rape was happening. It was non consensual sex when I was asleep.

I think my issue is that this man has realised he has been rumbled. He was at the time and has behaved well, in the sense that I haven't been raped again since.

My bad is that I am clearly dependent as are our children.

I'm not sure than under these circumstances women's aid applies. I;m really not currently being abused. It's past trauma.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/it-happened-some-time-ago/

thanks, am off to read this now. crying. xx

the problem is that I'm not penniless 'at his mercy'. If this thread has read likethat then apologies. It's the opposite. I will be penniless if I divorce him. That's why I have stayed to a large degree. He has money. if I go then my circumstances will massively change.

I'm so sorry you've been through all you have.

You were in danger that's an appalling response from Women's aid!

Collate all legal and financial paperwork inc marriage and birth certificates, passports etc

If women's aid are still useless try citizens advice for a referral to a legal aid solicitor specialising in domestic abuse.

Something you can do now tonight is check potential benefit eligibility on online calculators turn2us and Entitledto are usually pretty accurate.

Tomorrow contact your local welfare rights office within your local council (sometimes they are called something else) they can give personalised guidance and support on claiming benefits and as they're local govt based they will also know of local help available financial practical and emotional support.

Above all keep yourself safe that's the priority this can be the most dangerous point for DA victims even when there hasn't been overt violence until this point please take care.

If you're legally married it's not his money it's your (plural both of you) money. But be prepared for him to start hiding or "losing" assets.

My ex when we split due to his cheating emptied the bank accounts days later. I got half the money back eventually as we were married but it took a few years. Perhaps get advice from a solicitor or similar on if you can remove half the money to a bank account of yours?

Certainly set yourself up a bank account completely independent of him, preferably a totally different banking group.

Reading these replies. I am scared though. Not only his response but our childrens. they adore their dad.

Graphista, really helpful thank you. We are married. i do have a separate account. I'll approach the La as you have suggested. that is great advice, I feel clueless.

You don't need to give a reason why it is over. Don't get drawn into defending yourself. Grey rock.

Just about all divorces are 'no fault' divorces these days just to speed them up.

If there's a Police enquiry, that's a separate matter