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Original poster

Is a narcissist ever nice?

27 replies

ducu · 25/10/2022 19:35

For the last few months I've seen a lot of narcissistic traits in my DP. It has worried me and I've also been thinking he may be emotionally abusive. We have been together for 18 months.

It will feel like things are not good between us at all and I will feel miserable for possibly weeks at a time. And then overnight he will switch and be the caring, lovely nice person he was when we first got together.

He will be this great person for a few days, maybe weeks and then switch back to being patronising and moody almost overnight.

It leaves me wondering why he can't be the nice version of himself all the time. I know he has stress in his life like everyone else, and I sometimes feel like maybe I'm overreacting and giving him a hard time for being unpredictable in mood. But he has almost every trait of narcissism.

Is it common for narcissistic people to have periods of niceness? Or are they awful all the time?

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 25/10/2022 19:50

Narcissists are nice when they want something. It's simply a tool for them to use to bring about a situation that they desire. The selfish act of ultimate manipulation and control. This will of course vary in intensity from individual to individual but essentially the same objectives will be at the heart of it.

9HrsSleep · 25/10/2022 23:02

They're selfish, only nice when it serves them. They can't be trusted... ever!

Audioslaw · 25/10/2022 23:13

Yes it is textbook for them to be nice. When it suits their agenda.

B1rd · 26/10/2022 00:05

You deserve to be loved and adored. This man is not doing that. Let him go and don't try to fix him.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 26/10/2022 00:25

Oh yes definitely. Narcs are mostly delightful to others and wax and wane when they’re at home. They’ll realise they’ve pushed you too far and go back to being nice again for a bit. You walk on eggshells.

it’s really no way to live. I promise you.

TotallyLosttonight · 04/04/2023 11:52

They can be nice, yes. They can be caring and considerate and lovely. However, you will never know when the next mood is coming and you will find yourself walking on eggshells to try and avoid it. It is not a healthy way to live I'm afraid. It is very damaging to your own self esteem. I say this from experience.

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2023 11:55

Very nice ……. until you cross them.

PaintedEgg · 04/04/2023 12:02

narcissists are the most delightful people until you cross them or something doesn't go their way. or you just happen to be closest thing available when they want to lash out at something or someone

OkImListening · 04/04/2023 12:41

Do you live together? I can only imagine this getting worse as time goes by.

mummymeister · 04/04/2023 12:45

oh yes absolutely. just so long as you are doing EXACTLY what they want. this is the form of control that they deploy so that the person on the other end thinks "oh but they are really nice most of the time" yes, thats because most of the time you are doing what they want you to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 12:52

You and he should not be together any longer particularly if he is indeed a narcissist.

He has been and continues to show you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Your relationship is over because of this cycle of abuse.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse up in a relationship is none.

Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward is a good idea.
Do not date further until you have shored up your current too low and otherwise damaged boundaries .

Phoebo · 04/04/2023 12:53

Yes, when they want something

lovelypidgeon · 04/04/2023 13:44

Yes- they have to be. They will put in a lot of effort to seeming lovely to people they don't know well, including at the start of relationships. They know that if they are horrible from the start people will avoid engaging with them. With partners they will often be lovely until the other person trusts them, then they will start to gradually show their true colours. Thy know that their partner will love the nice version of them, and will want to avoid the nasty version so the partner will gradually learn what to do/not do to keep the nice behaviour. They often add to this by using other methods of diminishing their partner's self esteem (negative comments about their appearance/personality, driving them away from friends, limiting their social lives etc) so their partner ends up feeling like they couldn't cope without the narcissist partner and/or no one else would want them. The end result is a partner who walks on egg shells to avoid upsetting the narcissist and blames themselves for the narcissist's bad moods/behaviour. I've had the misfortune of knowing a few and they are all very skilled at persuading people that they are wonderful people and anyone who says otherwise is unhinged/jealous/hateful.

Homebaby · 04/04/2023 14:21

The nice is all part of the manipulation. If they were horrible all of the time they would never have anyone. They rely on the "good times" being enough to make you stick around. Once you can get your head around this walking away is so much easier. It is common during or after this kind of relationship to question yourself, you're being emotionally manipulated, just know that it's them not you with the problem.
As a side note narcissist or not, do you really want to be with someone who's horrible as often or more than they're nice?

LaDamaDeElche · 04/04/2023 14:47

I think after a period of time, especially if you're unfortunate enough to have a child with them and they think they have you trapped, the nice side of them becomes something you see very rarely. You see them being like that with others though, which is even more emotionally damaging as you feel it's you who is unlovable. There are two choices - leave or go slowly to a very dark place mentally. I've yet to meet anyone who can just live with a narcissist and ignore their manipulation without it having a detrimental effect on them.

IHeartGeneHunt · 04/04/2023 14:54

Only when they want something, or they're building up to being cruel, in my experience.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2023 14:59

Of course. I have one in the family and he's always lovely to me. Mainly because I don't give a shit, have a lot of power in the relationship, and am not dependent in any way. I have to watch him like a hawk and reinforce boundaries.

You can't live like that with a DP.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 04/04/2023 15:02

When it’s advantageous for them, yes they can be very nice. Especially when they feel they have you under control.

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 15:04

Yes! Narcissists are known to be very charming and personable when they think it may benefit them.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 15:37

It has worried me and I've also been thinking he may be emotionally abusive

You are at the point where it's possible to see the difference between whether you are secure or insecure in your attachment style. When a secure person thinks their partner might be emotionally abusive, they leave. When an insecure (anxious attachment) person thinks their partner might be emotionally abusive, they try to find a reason for their partner's behaviour, and look for ways to blame themselves ('I sometimes feel like maybe I'm overreacting and giving him a hard time')

Recognise, right now, that in a healthy relationship, the question 'Is my partner emotionally abusive?' simply doesn't come up, and the fact that it has is evidence that the relationship is not healthy. The answer to the question doesn't matter. Recognising that the question means something in itself is the key to having healthy boundaries.

Marineboy67 · 04/04/2023 18:12

Only when she wanted something 😏

torquewench · 04/04/2023 18:20

Speaking from personal experience, the one I was involved with was lovely, everything I'd ever wanted, until about 3 months in and he took his mask off. It was like a switch had been flipped. We set off one morning for a weekend away, everything was fine and I was the best thing that ever happened to him ... by the time we arrived at the hotel mid-afternoon, he wouldn't look at me, touch me or engage in conversation. Flinched when I touched him. He even looked different somehow.

shellyleppard · 04/04/2023 18:22

They are always always nice when it suits THEM. the moment you start having doubts or query the mood swings you will be the bad guy

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 18:47

Of course, there's the cycle, idealise, devalue, discard.

They wouldn't get anyone to be or stay in a relationship with them if they weren't nice some of the time.

It's intermittent reinforcement, the highs feel so good because the lows feel so low, and people put up with the shit because they crave the high so they feel better and want the narc to make them feel good again.

category12 · 04/04/2023 19:14

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 18:47

Of course, there's the cycle, idealise, devalue, discard.

They wouldn't get anyone to be or stay in a relationship with them if they weren't nice some of the time.

It's intermittent reinforcement, the highs feel so good because the lows feel so low, and people put up with the shit because they crave the high so they feel better and want the narc to make them feel good again.

This.