Picking up the pieces

[Jade31x]

i seem to be stuck in a cycle and I can’t get out of it!!
my partner of nearly 6 years has a son with his ex they have a relatively good co-parenting relationship, however I feel like I am always picking up the pieces. The child currently stays with us 2 nights a week, each time he comes to us he seems unkept, poor hygiene, dirty clothes etc. When I bring this up to my partner he says he’ll speak to the child’s mother but nothing seems to be getting better, I’m constantly having to wash his clothes that he brings here (he does have a wardrobe of clothes etc here too) I’m getting super frustrated with being the person that has to fix the issues when I feel I shouldn’t be?! Is anyone else in the situation? How can I get my point across further without a great argument about it (which it becomes) hellppppp!

How old is the boy? Do you know if he goes to school in dirty clothes?

He’s 12 ( so able to help himself with the hygiene aspect) which we keep trying to encourage, I believe the state the clothes come to us in that he does go to school on the occasion with dirty/ damaged clothes

In my experience, you can’t change it. My stepchildren are dirty/smelly/neglected…mum doesn’t care, the school doesn’t care(even when they were being bullied), social services don’t care, the dentist didn’t care about the rotten yellow teeth. All I’ve been able to do is show them what it is to be a normal level of clean and cared for whilst I can when they’re here, but I think it’s too little too late. They think it’s normal now to have no clothes, sleep on bare mattresses, one uniform each for the whole week, not change their underwear for days, not brush their teeth… it’s a losing battle. They often don’t even have toothpaste in the house. One of them is now an adult with disgusting smelly matted hair. I’m not sure how she’s got away with raising them like that. Very sad 😞

We’ve had this battle for years, only minor at first and just thought maybe I was brought up differently in a different kind of home. But as we move on those habits aren’t changing, he has access to toiletries galore here, clean bedding, clothes etc, I just wish it was the same both sides! He’s come again today with his 4 week old trainers absolutely stinking, I cannot do it anymore, his mother messages my partner saying I’m bitching about her when all I want is for her to pull her weight and to stop being so slack! It’s in her sons benefit not mine surely! Argh!

@PotatoFamily that sounds so sad poor kids. Must be heartbreaking that nobody has intervened

Why on earth didn't your partner go for full custody? That's neglect.

We tried. The judge told him to stop reporting it as it was just being written off as malicious so a waste of time. They were left with their mother ‘to build a relationship’, that was the judges words. We are now 8 years down the line and have custody of one SS as he tried to commit suicide aged 14. The rest are all so entrenched they think it’s normal