Husband mood swings SOS

[Mamabear12345]

Hi,

I've been wanting to post on here in a while and finally plucking up the courage to do it as I really need some advice...

I've been with my husband for 19 years and have 2 children, 5 and 1. We are always disagreeing, we both seem to wind each other up constantly. I honestly feel like he has a simmering hatred for me that has been rumbling on for years. The problem is, not only is it getting me down (the mean comments and dealing with his bad moods) but my oldest has said that we are always arguing and that breaks my heart. We do have a laugh together at times, when he's in a good mood, but this is overshadowed by the amount that we don't get on.

For example, it was my youngest's birthday, and my husband was in a bad mood (his moods go up and down daily). I was trying to make it a fun day with the kids and had sorted decorations, presents, nice food. He said he was exhausted, so after not wanting to get out of bed, he was lying on the sofa and didn't want to do anything. Which I find hard as I'm the one who gets up with the kids in the night and he chose to drink the night before. He then blames being exhausted on me because he thinks I should sleep train our youngest better to sleep through the night. I said that it's not just my responsibility and that he can't say things like that. He then says, don't start arguing in front of the kids, because I've called him out on it. Then it looks like I've started an argument.

When he makes comments like that, I feel like I'm being bullied and I've told him this in private away from the kids. He always says he won't do it anymore but it doesn't stop. We've had couples counseling before, but it always reverts back to this again. Because it feels like I'm being attacked from nowhere, I find it really hard to not call it out at the time, as it really hurts me when I feel like I'm trying so hard to be a good Mum and wife. I do all the family admin side of things, sort all our finances, run a small business and work in an office job 4 days a week. He works full time but hates his job and he has said that he resents having to do house work (which we share out) and work as well.

I know he's exhausted and I know he finds his job demanding and that it's all really hard with 2 kids. I do too but I don't pick on him to make myself feel better. I've asked him why he says things like this to me and he says it's just because I'm there. He feels he can't leave his job at the mo as it's a specific profession and we can't take the financial hit at the moment, which I agree with.

I'm at a loss of how to move on from this. I feel confused and just tired. Separating isn't something I want to do, but we really need to sort this out for the kids sake. I don't want to take on his share of the housework, I don't think this would resolve it anyway. I've thought about just trying to avoid him but this obviously isn't a healthy solution either and would be hard to do anyway as we have a small house.

Please help! Thank you.

How can you be helped here in leaving your abuser?.

Why do you not want to separate?. Are you afraid of him and his reaction when you eventually tell him?. This is understandable so you need to plan your exit with care. I would state that no obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.
I would urge you to contact a Solicitor on the quiet and contacting Womens Aid.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like you are now?.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship with your H and he is also not above practising DARVO on you either i.e what he did to you the other day in telling you not to argue in front of the kids. DARVO is deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It refers to a reaction that alleged perpetrators of wrongdoing may display in response to being held accountable for their behaviour. And he is never ever accountable for his behaviour, always preferring to blame you always for it.

Re your comment: "We do have a laugh together at times, when he's in a good mood, but this is overshadowed by the amount that we don't get on"

What you're describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that cycle is a continuous one. This is who he is and he is not going to change or ever say sorry.

Couples counselling has been a complete waste of time, money and effort here because abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here both over you and your kids. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Notice too he blames you all the time; this is typical of an abuser as well.

His job is demanding ; well isn't yours too?. You work also and bring up your children. He being exhausted (I would think you are worn out also) and his job being demanding are no justification or excuses for the ways in which he ill treats and otherwise abuses you. He does not act like this around people in the outside world does he, he is likely all sweetness and light to them. It is for you and in turn your kids all this crap from him is aimed squarely at. Many people work full or part time along with raising children; he is not a special case here.

Your eldest child has already picked up on this, what is this person going to remember the most about their childhood?. It is only a matter of time before your youngest also starts saying the same. Children are not stupid and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between mum and dad.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would put yourself along with them front and centre in your lives and start to plan your exit with care from this abusive marriage. This is no relationship example to be showing them to potentially emulate when they are adults.

I'm sorry, I don't agree with the previous post. Before we jump to the conclusion that this is abuse...is he depressed? You say you've been together 19 years, how long has he been acting this way? Is it post children? Or prior to that? What would happen if you spoke to him, really explicitly, or even write a letter, explaining how bad he's making you feel. It's understandable to snap back, but maybe he feels similar to you? ( Am not condoning his moods here, just playing Devils advocate).
What about couples therapy?

The abuse and dysfunction in your marriage is already impacting your children. How much worse does it need to get before you leave? How much damage needs to be done to your kids before you say enough is enough?

@Humanswarm they've done couples therapy, it has failed. OP's oldest child is already affected. OP's OH isn't pulling his weight at home - she does all the night wakings and saying 'well just sleep train then' isn't a solution. OP's OH moans about doing house work even though he and OP both work. OP works and runs a business as well as doing her share of the house work and it isn't enough. OP's OH won't engage in family life, to the point of not participating in his own child's birthday.

How much worse do you want it to get? By all means OP lay an ultimatum on the line - he changes, he sees the GP about his low moods, he stops moaning - but you have to mean it and leave if he doesn't step up.

@popointythings apologies, I didn't see the couples counselling for whatever reason. However I stand by what I say, and that is, before we through around the word 'abuse', is there anything else going on?I also asked how long this had been going on for. So as to try and understand thw sitaution on a deeper level.Is there a way to communicate how bad the op feels? Does he need help? It sounds to me, like he is struggling with life too. Whilst, like I said not condoning that behaviour, the op says they have good times, albeit few now, there may be a way back...we're so quick to judge and leave and if I am truly honest, too many people throwing the abuse card without knowing all the facts!!! It's damaging.
To the OP...follow your gut, look deep down and decide if you can communicate to him how bad this is for you..if not, start to think about your alternatives.

Your child is confused and being hugely damaged.

I realise that it is very hard and that you don't want to rush to action, but your son has told you in plain language that he is being damaged.

Please reach out for support and protect your child from the life long damage an environment like this inflicts on children.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not solely physical in nature and abuse is also not about communication or a perceived lack of.

The couples counselling did not work out because abuse is not a relationship problem. Their eldest child is already noticing things are not good and its only a matter of time before their youngest starts saying similar to the op as their mum.

He may well be struggling with life as you put it (the poor diddums)🙄but it’s still no excuse or justification for how the op is being treated by him. He behaves far differently to those in the outside world, he would not be talking to work colleagues like he does to his wife.

Thank you so much for your posts.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it isn't ever in front of anyone else so you're right there. It's almost like you know him by some of what you've said. I've said to him how he never does it in front of anyone and how subtle he can be with the comments. He is intelligent but I do not know how he can turn it on and off so easily. He made a joke of it. He doesn't understand why it's an issue for me, then I think I'm being overly sensitive, then I think I need to make myself not respond, then I go back to thinking no this isn't right, and just go round and round in that thought process.

@Humanswarm I do think he is depressed on some level. When we had the latest couples counseling, she said that he should have separate counselling and speak to his GP. He did both those things but the counselling fizzled out as he was stressed with work and he felt it was taking time away when he could be doing his work (he does extra work in the evenings 3/4 days a week). He told his GP how he was feeling and got fobbed off a bit and that put him off doing anything more as he never goes to the GP for anything, but didn't feel like they took him seriously. It started about 4/5 years ago, after we had our first child, it tied in with a close relative becoming very unwell and is still unwell which has affected him a lot.

@Aquamarine1029 I know where you're coming from. When he's in a good mood the kids absolutely adore him and he's amazing with them, so it's really hard.

@Humanswarm OP has said this: I've asked him why he says things like this to me and he says it's just because I'm there.

There is no excuse for behaving like that and yes, it is abusive. You are setting the bar for a relationship too low. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He needs to change his job.

Anyone doing something they hate for 1/3rd of their waking life is walking the gauntlet of lapsing into a depressive state, and that frequently involves becoming intolerant of, and insufferable towards other people, because you lose your sense of perspective and are constantly feeling irritable due to feeling like you are the victim of circumstances beyond your control.

I've seen it so many times before where people totally underestimate the impact a hated job has on their wellbeing and expect to just be able to totally compartmentalise that and get on with the rest of their lives as if there's nothing amiss. You wouldn't spend 1/3rd of your life doing things you hate through choice, so it's unrealistic to think that it should matter simply because your job pays a salary, especially if it's not a job that comes with any prospect of promotion or career advancement. It's utterly soul-destroying feeling you are trapped and not really anything more than a wage slave.

When someone is in a depression that has it's root in environmental factors you can medicate and therapise it all you want, but if the underlying cause isn't addressed it's highly likely you'll never shift it completely.

@pointythings again, I reiterate, I was trying to look at the bigger picture too. I was pondering if this man understood what he was doing, or perhaps he was in a dark place and didn't know how to remove himself from there. When in such a dark place, we can be spiteful, we can lash out, we often don't realise how bad we are. I also offered the OP some advice as to how to move forward.
OP working with young children is tough, taking responsibility for everything and having it thrown back in your face is much worse. I guess I was asking, are you ready to call it a day, or do you still hope for your husband as he was back? In which case, possibly a last resort conversation or, as I said in my previous post, a letter, stating exactly how you feel, and that this is the end of the line, unless he seeks help and attempts to change. Be brutally honest. Then set yourself a time scale. If for 15 years of your relationship things were good..perhaps it can be, perhaps it's lost. But on my experience, people don't just change after 15 years. There's something far more complex going on. I wish you all the best.

But on my experience, people don't just change after 15 years.

That's an incredibly naive thing to say. People absolutely do change. They change fundamentally. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I married a loving, funny, smart, wonderful man. I ended up the widow of an abusive alcoholic who made zero effort to address any of his issues despite me supporting him every step of the way.

Also having problems does not ever entitle someone to behave like a dick to the people they are supposed to love. If he can control his behaviour at work and with others, he can damn well control it around his wife. OP has said he isn't making any particular effort to find recovery from his current mental state either - that isn't good enough.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with OP having a proper come to Jesus talk with her OH, but he cannot continue having ever more chances and not doing anything with them. His behaviour is abusive no matter what gloss you put on it.

He needs to look for another job. His hours sound excessive. His employer is perhaps understaffing but that's not his problem.

What job would he like to do? Discuss how that can be achieved. Further education. You both need a light at the end of this tunnel

He knows full well what he is doing here and he does not care about op or his children. If he did care about his children he would not be abusive to their mother. He has a problem with anger, your anger OP when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

It’s more accurate to say that sometimes abusive people have depression and if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour then they are also culpable for it. He has never apologised for hurting his wife’s feelings in the first place.

I do not know the man but I recognise the type when they are written about about and your husband is straight out of the abusers handbook. Such men also hate women, all of them. My guess too is that he further ramped up the power and control against the op when the children were born. Look at his parents op, what are they like?. It could be that one of them acts the self same as your husband does.

What an awful husband father! Kick him out... he doesn't deserve any of you.

Honestly my only advice is to split up. I was in a relationship like this for years. Including the job he couldn't leave, etc etc. (Is it emergency services type of role?)

My heart goes out to you. Its not your fault and you don't deserve this.

Thank you so much for all your advice, it's been so useful! I have a plan of what I'm going to do now thanks to all your help, really appreciated.

Hi OP,

I know this is a thread from weeks ago but I came across it and am in a very similar situation myself. My DC's are the same age as yours also.
Just wondered if you could update on how things are (if you want to of course) as I'm feeling a bit lonely with my own situation and what to do.

I hope you are OK x

Hi butterfly - you could start your own thread for support - you could contact womens aid if you are in the uk - you could look up cycle of abuse - I’m sorry you are in this situation - have you any real life support.

Hi @Butterflycake22
So sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. Posting on here really helped me so I hope it does for you too.
Someone posted on here about DARVO so I looked it up and that was exactly him. So when the kids went to bed I brought it up with him and felt confident to stand my ground, not take his come backs and explained to him what DARVO was. Something seemed to click with him and if he does go back to old ways I refer to DARVO and he stops doing it.
Don't get me wrong, he's still miserable and grumpy most of the time but we've been able to have some more productive conversations now his way of expressing himself isn't targeted at being mean to me.
He's said about how he loves our kids but he isn't enjoying parenting young kids as he really values being able to do what he wants to do. We've talked about his job and made a plan for how he can get out of it. We also talked about my business (side hustle) and how much I enjoy that and how you can do it around kids. He's started trying to find stuff that he could do that he would enjoy outside of his day job as well.
I do think he has depression and he did ring the GP but he's really reluctant to follow through with it. He says since he was young he remembers both his parents not taking depression seriously and saying you should just get on with it so I think that's a major part of it. He thinks his Dad suffered from depression but never dealt with it.
I wish he was happier but as long as he's not being horrible towards me I feel like I can deal with it and the arguements have stopped other than the odd occasion.
So sorry to hear you feel lonely. I know how you feel. I really hope things work out for you. Wishing you all the best and I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks mama bear & whydidimarryhim

I'm not quite in the same situation as you mamabear but some of it resonates with me definitely. My DH doesn't attack me in any way his mood more influences the household and its his body language and behaviour. Being grumpy, snappy and generally not fun to be around. He shows a lot of depressive type behaviours but I believe he also uses his mental health as an excuse. I have pulled him up on this more recently and I see small changes but he needs to be assessed for antidepressants and counselling alongside this. He is resistant to counselling but I feel its more than needed. He suffers with complex long term grief after the traumatic loss of a loved one.
We are not very close in our marriage for many reasons and I don't feel he is a part of family life the way he could be. It's definitely more relaxed to have him out the way if he'd having a bad day/week.

I did post my own thread and was hit with a lot of responses claiming I was being abused. I appreciate others concern and opinion but there obviously is a lot more to the story and its hard to portray it all online.

I'm glad you are seeing some progress mamabear, it's not as simple as up and leaving and I appreciate many have been in this situation and some do work through it. I wish you all the best too xxxx

I know this isn't helpful but you say this has been going on for years but your eldest child is only 5 and your youngest child is 1? Why on earth did you have these children with him? What did you expect to happen?