Should I check his phone?

[Enterprisingpark]

A couple of years ago I discovered that DH was messaging another woman seemingly out of the blue. The first I noticed was when a message pinged through to his phone in the evening while we were watching TV and he picked it up, looked at it and ignored it. This is really out of character as normally he'd mention something about who it was and he'd usually reply.
I later checked his phone and a woman was asking how him and his family were.
He had never mentioned they were messaging so I was quite surprised. During that time, I had noticed a difference in his body language. He seemed tense sometimes in the evening, sitting with his legs crossed away from me, not relaxed at all.

After I asked him why they were messaging, he seemed to stop. She sent a couple of messages after this asking where he was, like she hadn't heard from him. She called him by a nickname rather than by his real name.

I haven't checked his phone since then. But he seemed to jump when it pinged the other evening. I've also noticed his body language is similar to what it was back then.

Would you check his phone again if you were in my position?

I would have dumped him the first time

I'd be all over that.

Yes of course

Yes I would

What happened the first time. Did he explain why he was messaging, did he say it was inappropriate. If not, why did he stop (or claim to stop). There must be more to this to make you suspicious.

He didn't really explain why they were messaging, just that it was someone who used to be a business contact and they used to moan about the industry over the phone. It was someone he had never met in person.
I sort of questioned why he had never mentioned it and he said he didn't think it was important.
I asked him if that was her in her WA profile pic and he said he didn't know!
After that, I checked his phone and he didn't message her any more. She messaged him a couple of times.
I didn't ask him to stop messaging her so I guess he stopped for reasons known only to him.
It was literally only his reaction to the phone notification and his change in body language which made me suspicious. The change in body language also happened in the car as well as when we were relaxing at home in the evening.

Were the messages inappropriate though?

There weren't any inappropriate messages, they were just a bit playful/flirty from her side.
Bizarrely, the last communication that I know of was him calling her from our home whilst I was at home but in another room. I don't know what was said because I literally walked in right at the end as he was saying goodbye to her and he said that he had called her. I checked the phone log, and it was to her number, and it had lasted ten minutes.
He hasn't called her since from our home (that i know of).

It’s weird that he tells you everyone who messages and always messages straight back. I don’t and I also don’t ask people!

But it sounds really dodgy. Possibly something has happened between them or a flirtation or something. Otherwise why be so jumpy and cagey?

I really don't get why they were ever in contact personally. I don't get why they exchanged personal mobile numbers. She looks to be about 20 to 25 years younger than him. I can't think they have much in common. I found a pic of her on the company website she works for and she looks way different to her WA profile pic.

Ok, so why can't he have her as a friend, message her and call her OP? What is the problem with that. He hasn't done anything except act a bit nervy around you. Is it because you don't want him to have a female friend or is there more to this because I'm not seeing him do anything wrong here.

I know it sounds weird but we've been together a long time and we have our routine and part of that is we just mention who has contacted us when we're together in the evening. Usually relatives, close friends, people like our PTs that sort of thing will message, so we just share the information with one another. We're not joined at the hip but we had that sort of close relationship which worked so that we're not in our own individual bubbles on our phones in the evening.
That's why it stuck our a mile, because he hadn't mentioned it. I think he would have been similarly dumbstruck if he discovered that I had been messaging an man unknown to him.

There is absolutely no problem with him having her as a friend. I didn't say to him that he couldn't message. He just seemed to stop of his own accord. But unless we are going to change the habit of decades, and go into our own little worlds where we have private messages with people unknown to the other, then I felt I needed to ask him about this woman.

So ask him if he is still messaging her and if she is a friend. Let him know that you have no problem with it and he doesn't need to hide it from you.

I asked him at the time if they had become friends and he said that no they just used to moan about the industry, that there really wasn't that much to talk about other than that. At the time I said that I found it a little weird, especially as she had a nickname for him. But I didn't lose my temper or accuse him of anything.
You're right, the sensible thing would be to ask him so I'll do that.

Don't know. It doesn't sound overly suspicious. He's not on secret apps etc and he hasn't hidden his notifications.

@Enterprisingpark, it sounds like your H was enjoying an ego boost from this woman, at the least.

You’d already noticed changes in his demeanor before he ignored her message and you discovered their contact. You had no previous knowledge of her existence. He says they’ve never met in person and aren’t friends, yet she is playful and flirty and calls him by a nickname, a gesture of familiarity. You walked in on the end of a 10 minute call, but don’t know what was said.

Now H is behaving in a similar distanced, tense manner. I would investigate his phone.

Yes love.

Time to open your eyes.