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Original poster

Raising the subject of testing/contraception

16 replies

Jonjop · 25/10/2022 13:52

My new boyfriend and I are getting on really well. We have done foreplay but not had sex yet. How do I bring up the issue of sexual health testing and wearing condoms? My boyfriend has had a few partners this year and he said he can't have children so it concerns me he may have had unprotected sex. I don't want oral sex if he may be carrying something. I can't use the pill as I had a bad reaction to it in the past and I don't want to risk not using a condom in case I get pregnant.

OP posts:
Newusername21 · 25/10/2022 15:28

You literally just have to ask him.
I was given this advice many years ago.

"If you dont feel comfortable discussing sharing bodily fluids with someone - you shouldn't be sharing bodily fluids with that person"

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 25/10/2022 15:30

Agree with @Newusername21, if you don't feel comfortable having the conversation, then your relationship isn't at the right stage for intimacy.

Lyndsb · 25/10/2022 15:31

He needs to wear a condom. It's not negotiable. If further down the line he agrees to get tested then its up to you. I wouldn't just accept that he can't have children though just because he tells you.

Firenight · 25/10/2022 15:49

Agree that if you aren't comfortable asking then you shouldn't be sharing bodily fluids. It's an easy ask and easy enough to pop to a clinic for a test.

ChrisTrepidation · 25/10/2022 16:36

You tell him all sex will be with a condom until you decide otherwise.

It's not negotiable and if he moans then he's shown his true colours and you're well rid.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 25/10/2022 16:40

Don’t have sex until you do discuss it. Condoms are not 100% - don’t have sex unless you want to run that risk - end of.

FennelAndOnions · 25/10/2022 17:11

Does he 100% know he absolutely cannot have children or is this just something he’s made up because he doesn’t want to wear a condom or misinterpreting? Because it’s not that common that someone really cannot have children.

FennelAndOnions · 25/10/2022 17:12

Or, is he basing it on having had a few partners recently and none of them got pregnant. 🙄

DatingDinosaur · 25/10/2022 17:38

Just say “we’re getting pretty intimate and I think it’s clear where things are going to head soon, can we have a chat about contraception?
I know you said you can’t have children, but I’m not on the pill and don’t want to take that risk and I’ve not done an STI test recently, have you? Condoms would make me feel most comfortable. Do you have a preferred brand? And shall I order an STI kit for you when I order mine?”

Or some variation of that.

How he handles that conversation will also be very telling for you – if he complains, or insists he can’t get you pregnant, or says he’s done a test recently but can’t prove any evidence. Basically anything other than agreeing condoms and tests are a good idea, then think very carefully about what you’re willing to risk if you want to stay with him.

I’d give some allowance for any face pulling at the suggestions so long as he was ultimately agreeable to the suggestions.

…and if he goes down the “condoms ruin the sensation” route you answer is a bright and breezy “yeah, but think how much fun we can have trying out all the different types that are on the market nowadays..”.

layladomino · 25/10/2022 18:02

If he tries to argue that condoms ruin the sensation, tell him that STDs and unwanted pregnancies can also do that (x 100000000).

If you can't talk about it, you aren't ready to have sex with him.

Don't believe that he can't have children. It isn't worth the risk. You don't know him well enough to be certain he isn't lying / misunderstanding / assuming.

Blushingm · 25/10/2022 18:17

If you can't talk to someone about sex then they aren't the person you should be having sex with

Sex is normal and natural so why is there an issue discussing it?

FinallyHere · 25/10/2022 18:26

issue of sexual health testing and wearing condoms

Ideally before you start getting your kit off. Starting with the 'where do you see this relationship going' and if you agree monogamous and committed then straight into 'when suits you for an appointment for the local sexual health clinic.

If you can get down with him, you can have that conversation.

NoDatingForOldMen · 25/10/2022 21:13

You tell him all sex will be with a condom until you both decide otherwise.

altmember · 25/10/2022 23:34

You just bring it up - tell him that since things seem to be hotting up in the bedroom between you, that you need to discuss these matters. Then make sure you've got some condoms in ready as well (but still discuss it well in advance, don't just thrust it upon him in the heat of the moment). And you both get tested - can't really insist he does it if you aren't intending to also.

The only way he can be sure he can't have kids is if he's had a vasectomy, so if that's not the case then he's wrong.

Andypandy799 · 26/10/2022 09:43

@Jonjop a very good friend of mine met a man who told her he couldn’t have children. Stupidly she ended up pregnant with twins and he was never to be seen again poor kids and needless to say has put her off men for life.

Which is a huge shame as we really hit it off and I fancied her like crazy she was amazing. I miss speaking with her 😢 it’s been a couple of years now.

I always wonder if I should make contact again?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 26/10/2022 16:20

@Andypandy799 no harm in getting in touch. You'll certainly know all the don'ts from following MN 😉

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