Why do I feel jealous?

[rmummyofone]

So I left my abusive (now ex) husband in August. To summarise a very long story, throughout our 3 years living together I was pressured to cover my face, pressured into sex, getting pregnant (he used religious scripture to do this) silent treatment, couldn't get a job unless he approved of it, he'd pressure me to spend money I didn't want to (groceries every month despite him earning triple what I made) online cheating as well as escort contact in his phone - you get the gist. I had a post on here a year ago about it.

Between all this, we're intermittent days of things going good, good memories too, it wasn't ALL bad everyday BUT doesn't take away the fact that the combination of the things above made me lose my entire identity to the point I feel as though I only seek his approval even now.

He divorced me 18th sept, he's been saying I've been ringing people all corners of the town we lived in together, neighbours, apparently I've been sending voice messages of abuse to him? I haven't done any of that. I had few friends there snd they contacted me saying he's divorced me as I didn't change my sons nappies enough, days would go by and I wouldn't go in the kitchen, I stopped him seeing family on occasions etc all of these are untrue in the context he's saying them. So as a natural reaction I told my friends the truth about cheating etc what lead me to leave.

He sent a huge message to my family saying he's enduring so much abuse bc of me? This has hurt me a lot and mostly bc I don't want people to talk about him! But my friends say people will only talk about what they see. He's claiming he loved me so much as the mother of his child he isn't saying anything bad about me now so "just imagine how much I loved her when I was married to her" this has pulled my heartstrings as lately I've been remembering the GOOD.

Why do I want his approval even now? I'm out and away from him. I should be feeling better?! I feel worse. I feel jealous he will move on and treat the next girl so much better, why does that make me so upset? I suppose partly because the idea of me getting to know a guy makes me sick atm and the idea of marriage makes me want to vomit, I don't think it'll ever be for me. I know my focus should be on me but why am I in tears over thoughts like this? He's really getting to me.

Why do you think he will treat the next one better?

Maybe try writing lists of everything you remember of why you didn’t want to be with him, the bad stuff, things he said, how you felt, how he’s lying now.

And write a list of the good things. And see how they compare. I bet there’s not much good except the hopes that you had of how things might be ok if only he’d stop being horrible.

You’ve absorbed the idea that he abused you because you weren’t “enough”, good enough, compliant enough, pretty enough etc etc. He abused you because he could, and in all likelihood he’ll go on to abuse the next person, and the next because that’s how he functions in relationships.

You need time to heal and focus on yourself - you left him, a huge decision to make and so important for you and your child. He’ll say anything to salvage his pride that someone could dare to leave him and you’re caught up in that crossfire. Give yourself the gift of time and care - you can’t control what he does or says, but you can rise above it.

@Sarahemmabrown

I think because I have a made up version of him in my head. How he was in the beginning for me, so loving caring so generous and thoughtful. That guy was the love of my life.

I've never had a boyfriend or anything before him. So this divorce has hit me like a dump truck. Yes I left, for my sanity. Did not expect a divorce from him as he promised marriage counselling while we're apart. Stood me up for it and posted a divorce.

See the list works, it helps. Writing a letter (that I won't send) also helps.

My heart HURTS I can't just have him go away from my life as I'm planning on sharing custody. Still sorting legal proceedings out for that.

I just feel jealous the idea of him moving on so easy while I feel ill never move on.

@Jellycatspyjamas I know you're absolutely right

I think that's right too,
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That's how he functions in relationships
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I guess so, that gives me peace in a strange way? Thank you.

I should be wishing him the best but i can't. I think it's because I'm finding it so tough to forgive. I'm torn between being upset and then feeling sorry for HIM. In turn feeling bad about charges being put onto him.

This confuses me a lot.

My counsellor helps me rationalise better, but still working on it. My family support me and keep me grounded too but also feel confused why I feel bad for him at time.