Wife Tells MiL Everything. Communication With Me is Nonexistent.

[Arsenal123]

My wife tells my MiL everything. Every disagreement or issue included. Their discussions then lead to my wife taking a hard stance. I can't seem to make a point without it being represented as a criticism. Communication has completely broken down and there is no intimacy.

e.g. Me: "I only fill the kettle with as much water as I need". Wife: "Stop criticising me. I might need the water later and won't need to refill. You're giving me anxiety. Nobody ever made this recommendation to me" storms off. Later I hear the argument repeated in her native language which I only partially understand but words like "kettle" are apparent.

Wife has a stressful and exhausting job. She also has family abroad who are facing great difficulties. They think she lives the life of Riley when the reality is far from that. They often guilt trip her. Her parents are here but are very insular and depend on her socially. I don't know if she's depressed? She won't discuss it.

I know that there has been some negative discussion about me due to comments made by her family and friends group.

My wife's family seem to want to keep her dependant upon them. They pay her mobile phone bills and attend appointments with her. She has been spoilt to an extent and her parents tend to agree with her opinions even when they are harsh or discriminatory. Me having different opinions on things like politics equates to a lack of support or criticism for her.

Since things got so bad I have backed out of a vacation with the in-laws (planned but not booked). I can't face going abroad and being stuck in a resort with them all when things are like this. My wife is now spending as little time as possible at home and visiting her family even more frequently. I'm okay with this but I do need some quality time with her. I can tell she's deeply hurt by me changing my plans regarding the holiday and I am sorry for this.

Is it unreasonable to want to keep personal things between us private? If not that's fine but it is definitely isolating me from the in-laws.

How can I communicate with someone who flies off the handle when talking?

I don't think you can. She, along with her family, sound very fixed in their views. I would leave, it sounds miserable
Sorry if that isn't helpful

How can I communicate with someone who flies off the handle when talking

You can't. You need to tell her it's bothering you, and if she's not receptive to making changes so that you can both be happy, then you need to accept unhappiness, or leave.

Is it unreasonable to want to keep personal things between us private

It's unreasonable in her opinion, clearly, and that's the opinion you've got to deal with. You differ. Accept it or don't, but don't stick around in a situation you don't accept.

I can't really offer any advice except to say my husband is from abroad and as time went along his family became more and more aggressive with their requests for money when we were struggling to live. He always sent money which was our money and I always agreed as they needed it.
When it came to the way we lived at home he changed from being a nice man slowly at first and then did not care how awful he was to me and the children.
He begrudged us spending any money on home improvements. I am talking about essential things like double glazing and central heating.
He told me he was head of our house and he wore the trousers. He started to become violent and changed his diet refusing to eat anything I made and making the fridge stink with his stuff.
Lots of other things I am not going into made our lives unbearable. He started going 'home' at Christmas' and in the holidays.
We were relieved and even more so when one holiday was a one way ticket.
His family were certainly influential and backed everything he did making him worse.