Resentment in relationship

[bubblingaway]

How do I deal with this?

There's resentment for 2 reasons I think. 1 being that I feel he doesn't pull his weight enough but whenever I bring it up he's very reluctant to agree with me. Because he works a lot I think he sees that as his main contribution which I understand but we have a house and a child. I also work and my job can be stressful at times too so I think I resent the fact that he feels like he's working his butt off to keep a roof over our heads when my job/income also contributes to this. Because I only work part time it's seen as less important but my income is also needed to enable our lifestyle, it's not all on him.
I think he gets all his proactiveness out at work and then leaves things to me at home. Whenever I hear of partners doing things with their kids, cooking, sharing tasks etc I feel jealous. It's not that he does nothing, I just wish he did more. He does the minimum, I feel.

The other part of the resentment is that I just feel like I don't want to be with him anymore but I feel like I'm stuck with him. He's not a bad guy, not abusive in any way and he loves me but I don't feel the right way about him. Things haven't been right between us for a long time now and we've discussed it a lot, he's aware of how I feel. I hate that I feel like this and whenever we get to a point where it feels like we're going to end the relationship I feel horrible and think I need to work at it and go back on the decision. It feels like an impossible decision really because of our child. I can't see a future where we're not together. But I also have no desire to be intimate/affectionate with him. I see him more as a friend/brother I guess but he still has all the "right" feelings towards me. I know sometimes I'm probably not very nice because of the resentment and I realise afterwards but in the moment I can't help it. We've been together for 16 years, he's the only person I've been with and to be blunt, sometimes it just feels like I've had enough of him. I'm not sure people are supposed to stay with the same person forever!

But I realise also that the grass isn't always greener. I just want to live without feeling like I need to be a certain way with someone when I just don't want to.

In an ideal world he'd also realise that it's not working and agree to separate but that won't happen, he still wants to be together although he's unhappy too because he's not getting what he needs from me. It's like we're both stuck.

You're not stuck, though. You're choosing to stay because you're too scared to leave.

You can leave. What is it that you're scared of? You say it's to do with your child?

I think I'm scared of the unknowns, I'm scared of how it'll affect our child. I'm scared I'll regret it...

It’s really normal to feel scared of any big change. It really does take two though - you can work on your relationship but he does need to meet you half way and it doesn’t sound like he is.

Resentment is horrible in a relationship - it eats away at your sense of self and can make you live with things you otherwise wouldn’t accept, because you feel bad about feeling resentful.

If you look down the line to 10/20 years from now and nothing has changed, how do you feel? If that thought doesn’t fill you with optimism or excitement what does needs to change? You can’t change him or his behaviour, so from that place what could change in you - and how much of yourself would you need to set aside to make things ok in your marriage? Asking yourself some hard, searching questions about what you want for yourself and whether that’s possible in your current situation might clarify things for you.

Yes, leaving is scary, but the thought of never having your needs met is scary too.

Isn't it scary to think of staying though? To think of all the years ahead feeling this way? To think of setting your child an example to follow that says 'Adult relationships only have to be bearable, no point wishing for more, or leaving to find happiness'? You know your child will follow your example, don't you? Wouldn't you rather brave it, and show them that staying in unfulfilling relationships isn't necessary?

Resentment for many women can kill a marriage as it leads to loss of attraction for your partner. You can’t feel sexy about someone when you feel like they are just another child you have to look after.

I read a book (it’s well known but I can’t remember the name) that says husbands often think of the work job they do as say counting as 100 ‘points’, so often don’t feel compelled to help as they don’t see all the wife’s contributions coming to 100 points.

The wife on the other hand allocates him 1 point for his job, as she also allocates 1 point per her job, 1point for childcare, 1 point for house care etc etc. so she’s often running at 10 points to his 1.

The important thing in this case is that you should both have the same amount of free time and money.

I think you should try and explain to your husband that his laziness/passiveness is killing your affection/attractiveness to him.

If he cares for you (and/or wants an active sex life) he should up his game.

I would suggest individual therapy and/or relationship counselling. It’s expensive, but still cheaper than divorce.

At the same time you should be getting your ducks in a row, make sure you have your own pension and if you have joint accounts that you know where all the money is.

I have been through this, and I can assure you that if the resentment doesn’t stop, you will be separating one day in the future. It might be five years or 10, but as sure as eggs are ages, it will happen.

Your husband needs to realise this, or he will be the architect of his own demise.

Why do you work part time? Increase your hours to full time and then you'll be contributing financially on more equal grounds.

OP, I would make a “Plan B” so you can imagine that life that you would have without him. Write it down on a (hidden) file on your computer. Include financial planning. Have it there in case. THEN decide to give your relationship your all for 3 months. Therapy, maybe just booking in lots of sex and seeing if it jump starts anything, a holiday if you can afford it, hopefully changes for him to make coming out of therapy. Really truly give it your all. After 3 months, if nothing has changed, tell him you want to separate and start the process. If little has changed but you’re starting to see some changes that make you feel it might work, give it three more months in therapy/with all the effort. At the six month mark, make a decision to commit fully or to leave.

He sounds like many men. We live in a patriarchy. Nice men are still living in it. That doesn’t make him a bad person, but it also doesn’t mean that this has to be YOUR life. Consider an alternative you can be excited by, but I would say also try your very best so if you DO leave, you can say you gave it your all.

And when I say “if nothing has changed”, I don’t mean his behaviour necessarily, I mean how you feel. Because he’s never going to be a totally different person. Maybe therapy will help change his belief that he does all the work he needs to do and what you’re saying is wrong. But ultimately your decision is going to be based on whether you can get past your resentment and understand that this is who he is and appreciate what he does bring to your life, or whether you feel it’s not something you can or want to live with.

I work 3 days at the moment as our child isn't yet in school. I would likely increase my hours after that

This is a good idea and one I've considered more recently especially with Christmas not being too far away. I already feel like I make effort to plan things for us to all do together at the weekend for example. We did speak about this a couple of nights ago, whether we both go all in for a few months and make more effort to see if things improve. He's a very needy person and because he's not really getting any affection or intimacy from me at the moment he's more the kind of person to just sulk about it instead of putting the effort in. Then I just feel guilty about everything and like I'm the problem

Really good advice and good questions to think about. Thank you

What has not being in school got to do with anything? Are there nurseries available in your area?

I completely understand the hesitation in making that big leap as I'm going through it now. It's a terrible cycle of fear and desire. Of course, increasing your hours right now will increase your nursery fees but I would start to look at the bigger picture of how to prep for the worst case. It might take you a year or years to get a proper plan in place, regardless, you do need that plan. I'm not married and had kids and made myself financially dependent on my OH, probably one of the most idiotic things I did was not securing my own independence prior to having children. It's taken a lot of time to get myself in a stronger position to leave, 6 years! yet the worries and what ifs are still there. They won't go until you do it, only hindsight will give you any answers to your worries!

@xfan Yes, we use nursery 3 days a week whilst I work. I spend the other 2 days with my child which I'm aware is a luxury and I'm very grateful for. A lot of parents do this. I don't understand the rude tone.

I think going back to work full time is key that way domestic labour in theory should be split equally.

I'm happy with doing more of the domestic labour, I think it's fair that I do more of it and it's not a 50/50 split but it would be nice if I didn't have to cook every single meal for example. Even one night a week would be nice!