AIBU partner and intimacy

[mum0707]

Hi all, first time user.

my fiancé and I have been together 7 years, 2 kids and lived together for 4 years (although we’re still young in our mid 20s).

He was my first / only relationship & I’ve come to a stage where it bothers me how often we sleep together/have physical intimacy compared to what I’d like. Ive always felt kind of shy to initiate sex as he was my first and he’s the dominant one and likes to initiate. He actually doesn’t like me coming onto him (even though he might suggest me doing it occasionally) it never ends well as he much rather prefer to initiate etc. In the past I have tried more elaborate ways of dressiNg in sexy lingerie and have also opted for a more simple approach to initiation such as a simple hug/kiss… neither really end well so we just fell into a pattern of just doing it when he initiates things which is in his timing.

He has always stated the perfect amount of time for him is to sleep together every 2-3 days. This is what it’s been like our entire relationship. However in reality sometimes it goes longer than that. For example we slept together 2 days ago for the first time in 9 days. I was extremely h*rny which rarely happens and I never let him know when I am anyway as there’s no point. This time he sensed my frustration and figured it out on his own, yet never initiated sex. The next day he mentioned it again asking if I’m horny and told me (I should’ve just come and rubbed his arm to let him know - but I didn’t attempt anything as I know it never works like that). Well 4 days past and he still hadnt tried to even touch me intimately KNOWING that I really was in the mood which rarely happens.
it took about 5 days and then he did it with me in his own timing.

Today I’m in the mood again but I also feel like I can’t initiate sex. We napped in bed spooning - nothing. This evening we lied in bed watching a show - again nothing! All he wanted to do was hug and sleep. He loves fo hug/spoon me to sleep but I also would like to have sex more than 1 time a week! And sometimes when I actually am in the mood not just when he is!

now this annoyed me as we are still so young and he has soo much sexual energy but just barely directs it towards me. I know he’s busy with work but I still think we could do it more often. He is also such a flirt and I feel like if he directed all his sexual energy just towards me things would be a lot better but as he’s so comfortable flirting with others it’s as if sometimes he can’t be bothered to do that with me. Even just a simple flirty message once in a while would be nice.

tonight after the tv show finished he turned to go sleep. He pulled me close to cuddle but i told him I wasn’t ready to sleep yet and his response was ‘we don’t need to be stimulated all the time, sometimes just rest’ (he meant in a general sense not sexual). Needless to say I got annoyed and left the room and he went to sleep.

I won’t beg for intimate attention but I also am tired of only getting it when he’s in the mood! Any suggestions?

Sounds like he's controlling and this is a way of displaying his dominance over you. Think carefully about your future with this guy.

Sadly, I agree.

This is a great deal more than a libido mismatch.

This time he sensed my frustration and figured it out on his own, yet never initiated sex. The next day he mentioned it again asking if I’m horny and told me (I should’ve just come and rubbed his arm to let him know - but I didn’t attempt anything as I know it never works like that). Well 4 days past and he still hadnt tried to even touch me intimately KNOWING that I really was in the mood which rarely happens.
it took about 5 days and then he did it with me in his own timing.

He doesn't allow you to initiate because that would interfere with his mindfucking. He knew you were horny & deliberately withheld from you, so that the next he could relish telling you that he WOULD have had sex if you'd rubbed his arm. Despite you knowing that to be bullshit, because experience tells you it never works.

He is enjoying his power over you, & part of that is flirting with others in front of you. You are still so young, & have only ever been with him - how much more of your precious young life are you prepared to keep investing day in this man?

I agree the sex is the least of your problems here. There's a real power imbalance and you're not being respected or heard.

So all this sexual energy that he DOES have, where exactly is he directing to if it's not your way?

I must be reading a different thread because I don't get emotionally controlling and abusive from her partner at all. If anything it's the OP....stropping off because she didn't get sex when she wanted? If the OP was a man....I suspect she'd get a totally different response on MN

It comes across to me that the OP is very upset that her partner is deliberately ignoring her sexually, and definitely turning down her advances. This has become a significant issue over time, however there is an underlying mismatch in libido.
@mum0707 do you have a vibrator to pleasure yourself when you’re horny? It should help you ease your frustration. He doesn’t need to know…. however this simply masks any underlying controlling behaviour if this is his deep rooted intention.

Yeah, same. He doesn't want to have sex, so

Did you read the op? Or just miss the bit about him directing sexual energy elsewhere and flirting with others ?

You both need to communicate better with each other. You say he only wants sex when he initiates it, but then you say when he realised you wanted it he said you should have let him know by stroking his arm. Stroking him arm to let him know is cringe anyway. Have a conversation about how you can both communicate your needs with each other more clearly.

As for only doing the deed when he initiates, that doesn't work for you, therefore it doesn't work for you as a couple. Presumably the focus is on "piv" if it's based around his need. There are things he can do for you that don't involve piv, and there are things you can do for yourself without him!

I would think just as poorly of a woman who lied to a man about wanting a sexual relationship with them "eventually", in the full knowledge that it's not going to happen, & that the exact same issue caused the end of all her previous relationships @singlemomof3

It's deceit, & very painful for the person being hoodwinked.

Actually @singlemomof3 I take all that back just upthread, because I read your comment & attributed it to a different thread (the one where OP's b/f is probably asexual, but is lying to her about it).

Apologies for my error!

However, the way OP's man is carrying on read like a powerplay, not a case of mismatched sex drives.

He knew she wanted sex one evening, but as she's "not allowed" to initiate, also knew that he could safely withhold. That's fine in healthy relationships, because in a healthy relationship, the couple talk to each other & can make compromises, & neither one forbids the other from making advances.
So that's ... not a great look already from OP's man.
But he then compounded it by gleefully taunting her about it the next day.
He told her that he knew she'd wanted sex, but if she'd only rubbed his arm he would have had sex with her.
Despite OP knowing full well that this is bullshit because 1) batshit no initiation rule & 2) she's tried it before & it only ends in rejection.

It's gaslighting, & it's all about control.
I think OP should dump this mindfucker before he messes with her sanity any more.

He's entitled to flirt with whomever he likes, it doesn't mean he owes OP sex on tap whenever she wants it. He has autonomy.

OP is also communicating via hinting and signals, rather than telling him what she wants.

This sounds like control to me as well. What’s his problem with you initiating sex? Do you always say yes when he wants it? It sounds like it’s all around what he wants?

Because he’s made it clear he doesn’t want her to initiate, he just wants her to be passive.

I wish you understood how horrible this man really is. You will when you get older, but sadly, I fear you will waste many more years on this controlling twat.

Hi all, thanks for all the replies and opinions.

I understand how it may have come across in the wrong way that I stropped off for not getting what I wanted.. that wasn’t the case though. I left the room purely because I was fed up that I had made it known I was in the mood for the 2nd time in 7 years and he hadn’t attempted anything for over 4 days so it felt deliberate to me. I felt annoyed that he only does it with me when he wants to and I can never really make the move.

I’m away for a few days and we spoke over text. I apologised for my behaviour in which he replied saying that I’m pushing him away ‘when I don’t get my fairytale’… I don’t believe asking for intimate affection more often or when I’m in the mood is a ‘fairytale’.

I then communicated to him that my love language is quality time and touch and it’s really important to me but I understand that’s not his love language. It’s confusing as the past few months he has been telling me how he really wants me to come to him and hug him/show support etc through affection when he comes home from work etc yet now I’m doing that and he’s saying I’m pushing him away?

I will admit I can be very clingy, however our relationship for the past 4 years has been very rocky and I’ve never truly been able to be my natural self so I’ve not shown the clingy/affectionate side in a very long time and now that we’ve recently been reconnecting I can feel my loving side coming back out and I’m just naturally loving and want to spend time with him, hug/kiss etc. I guess I’m also lonely too and he’s like my best friend so I just want to be close to him.

I also let him know that maybe if he didn’t give out so much sexual/flirtatious energy to other women (which is another story) then he would have more energy to be directed towards me. So by the time he’s been responding to womens messages all day acting like their therapist, emotionally supporting them through text and flirting with them Ofcourse he’s tired and can’t be bothered to give more to me.

sex is great for us but I would just like it to be more often. It’s not necessarily about the ‘end goal’ of the act it’s more about the physical and emotional intimacy that I CRAVE. I want to be close to him, I want our bodies to connect and to physically and emotionally connect.

maybe I am too clingy? I’m not sure how I could change this tbh as it’s only been showing the last week or 2 and it’s the first time in YEARS this side of me is finally coming back in our relationship.

I can't believe you apologised to this arsehole. There is nothing to save here.

Sounds like a mismatched sex drive. Have you thought about sex therapy?

@mum0707

physical and emotional intimacy that I CRAVE

Exactly this and I am the same I really need it in my life. I had a partner who never ever initiated or got horny and it drove me crazy. You are a unicorn 🦄 in my eyes and he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t waste any more time on this controlling man, he sounds like a prick

Hopefully one day I will find the right one 🤞