How do you know whether to leave?

[WhenIsRightTime]

name changed for this. Long time MNer.
DH is a good man and a great father. He’s not abusive, he’s not an addict, he has a good job….. but we have very little fun any more, no time together as a couple, no sex, no communication (other than transactional stuff about kids or household things). I still love him - but as a mate.
On one hand I want to make it work… I’ve tried so often to tell him how I feel and how I would like things to change, but nothing changes.
On the other hand I don’t want to get to the point that we become one of those couples that are only together because of the kids and argue all the time. (Kids are 8 & 10)
So if you left, (in my kind of situation) what was the deciding factor? Was it the right thing to do? Thanks for sharing your story if you can.

anyone? Please?

Hi. I was in a similar position to you this time last year, we'd been together almost 21 years but it was as though we couldn't agree on anything anymore. We argued and hadn't been intimate for months. I loved him as the father of our child but not in any other way.

My situation was slightly different though as his behaviour changed towards me and I decided enough was enough. He didn't seem to want to be with me anymore and I felt the same. We agreed to separate after Christmas, but in January thought it best to give it another go.

In April I discovered that he'd become close to an ex work colleague, he'd turned to her as apparently I showed him no attention or affection. I do agree with him that I probably didn't, we were past that stage and should have split after Christmas as planned.

He didn't do anything physical with her but that was the absolute point of no return. He left at Easter leaving me with our DD.

I had a few good weeks/months during the spring and summer but quite honestly I feel so, so unhappy at the moment. I wonder whether we were too hasty in giving up on our marriage. I know he feels the same.

Some people did try to tell me that the grass isn't always greener etc. I knew at that time I couldn't live half a life, not having fun with him and having no desire for sex with him. I have been seeing someone and am enjoying the excitement of it but deep down I miss my stable, safe family life.

Oh very much facing the same dilemma, see my post tonight - I like him but really feels like we are housemates.

@Whynowffs thanks for your story. I hope you find your happy

@Selfesteem22 good luck

On the other hand I don’t want to get to the point that we become one of those couples that are only together because of the kids and argue all the time. (Kids are 8 & 10)

this was the deciding factor for me. Though my exh was quite horrible at times too. I decided my kid would flourish more with a happy mum and dad, not ones that argue. We couldn't make each other happy. So I split. We co parent very well. We've had hiccups but we make it about her and she never sees any animosity or disagreements. It's taken time but she really is doing so well.
I'd hate to think what would have happened if I stayed.
My new DP makes me incredibly happy so that helps. I've realised that heated arguments shouldn't happen. Discussions should. Understanding and wanting to make each other happy is key. I never had that with exh. He only had one mood and a very short fuse, stonewalling and never apologising. We just weren't compatible.

Glad you’re happy now. Well done.
thanks for the reply.