Jealous of partners children

[giffyp]

I feel dreadful admitting to this but I feel so jealous of my partners children who are 16 and 21 we have been together over 3 years don’t live together I have 2 children of my own, I can’t help but feel like walking away because I know I will never mean as much to him as his children, I had a childhood that lacked love and always made to feel no good on top of this my children’s father is a useless Dad, I think these things make it worse but I feel useless to him because I can’t give him anything special not like his ex wife could, I hate feeling this way, is it time I walked away? But then do I look for a partner with no family to protect myself from the same?

But isn't the same true about your own kids, OP?

Yes I guess it is

In short yes. His children will, or should, always come first just as yours should with you. If you truly can't accept that and accept the children's place in their father's life then you should leave him it's not fair to you or them

You don’t sound happy. That’s a good reason to break up. If you meet someone who’s not a parent what will you expect of him in relation to your own kids?

I think you’d benefit from talking through this with a therapist.

It is unreasonable to expect a partner (who is still new-ish on the scene, in the grand scheme of things) to demonstrate that you “mean more to him” than his children. And what would that look like, anyway?

Best to focus on your own sense of inadequacy and jealousy. I would raise this with a professional, but not confront your DP about it.

I think maybe you could try viewing it in the opposite way

would your perfect man love his kids less than a woman he is seeing?

From the sounds of things, yes, I think this relationship is not going to work.
You seem to need to work on your own self-esteem before you can commit to someone else.
His relationship with his (almost adult) children is separate to his relationship with you.
He’s also not your ex or your father.
His ex is and ex for a reason.

also, I hope he isn’t more important to you than your kids?

OP what about love, commitment, creating life and memories together? Is it not important? Yes - they have children together but his ex wife is an ex and probably for a good reason. You are not in any competition with her.
And you are not in competition with his children either. They are separate relationships which need to be prioritised in different ways.

Please get some counselling. You deserve to heal.

You wouldn't really want to be with the kind of man who loves a woman more than his kids surely?

You're not going to find a bloke worth having who would prioritise you over his children. So unless you're going to A) plan to be alone B) plan to exclude men with children from your dating pool or C) date a deadbeat then I'd be going with option D) find a really good therapist to help you unravel your childhood issues so that you can enjoy a healthy relationship with your partner now.

Does he mean more to you than your kids do? Because if so you really need to do something about that. And if not, why do you expect it to be different for him?