DH and needy friend

[DancesWithFelines]

DH lost contact with a friend about 15 years ago, they drifted apart as friend was only into weed and gaming but DH had a house, job etc. DH would try and arrange meet ups but the friend was a bit shit really and never made any effort. I never met this friend and DH hasn’t really had anything good to say about him for 15 years. They are now in their 50s.

A mutual friend of theirs has passed away and a couple of weeks ago the two have made contact again, which is nice, but the friend has been messaging DH constantly, every day, morning until night.

i thought they must have a lot to catch up on, and maybe the guy was a bit needy, but it did get a bit annoying as we have kids and DH was just constantly messaging, glued to the phone during movies, in bed etc.

Today is the day of the person’s funeral, a 4.5 hour drive, the first time DH and friend are meeting up after all these years, and friend turns up at our house an hour early to collect him (8.30 instead of 9.30). Cue DH rushing out of the door without having time to shower, have coffee/food to do a 4.5hr trip to a funeral. I don’t know why DH just didn’t ask him to wait for a bit! Turning up an hour early in the morning just seems such a strange thing to do.

Now as the day has gone on, DH has sent a text asking if there’s any chance I could have a tidy around as he might invite friend round after the drive home, the house is pretty tidy anyway but I must admit this all seems quite full on as I need to be up very early for work… on the other hand if he comes for a visit then maybe the neediness and constant messaging will die down. I know I probably sound unreasonable but it all seems quite intense!

i even started wondering if it was like lovebombing, and he was going to ask to borrow money or something!

i think if I were to broach the subject with DH it would look like I don’t want him to have this friend, which isn’t the case at all. Do you think I should just keep quiet and let them get on with it?

Is he inviting him to stay over? He will probably drop that on you later?

I don't think you should mention anything for a few days, see how it pans out. If the neediness persists past the weekend, then perhaps its time to talk with DH about getting sucked back into a friendship that wasn't working for him all those years ago.
But now might not be the best time.

It's strange how they had to set off early, ciuldn't friend have come in for coffee?

I think you sound a bit possessive over him, they've probably got loads to catch up on and are enjoying being in contact again. Men often don't make the effort to keep up friendships so it's good. Are you used to having him all to yourself?
Unless he starts being a bad influence then let him get on with it.

Tell dh you are not up for an overnight guest, just to be clear.

Yes it sounds very intense alight, it ll probably blow over.

This.

How very strange to rush off the way he did, unshowered, no coffee.

If your husband has poor boundaries, I would keep a close eye on things, and any shared finances.

'We can't offer dinner or an overnight stay dh, but a quick coffee is fine later. Hope today was okay'

Being on his phone during a film etc is unusual. Is she female?

How are things now @DancesWithFelines

I think regardless of friendship history, when men that are friends are in completely different stages in life it will always be a bit awkward.

My DP is surrounded by people that are either separated or completely single with no ties. They are always asking DP if they can come and stay for a bit or can they bring their latest new fancy thing for an oversight visit? ( that has just been in the space of the past week.) We have a 5 and a 1 year old,. It is just not appropriate!

I feel like his Mum saying no he can't have a sleepover, but men in general are just clueless about boundaries. It is up to you to set them.

Hi all,
i’m sorry I didn’t reply to this thread before, I felt bad about posting and as pp said, worried I was being possessive so I’ve been relaxed about everything with DH and haven’t said anything until tonight.

Since the funeral DH and friend have been messaging each other a lot, and last night DH went round his house from 7pm until 3am. They weren’t drinking or anything (just tea) and I must admit I’m quite shocked that he has been there for 8 hours.
The heating had come on and woke up me up, DH not in bed, came downstairs at 4am and he told me he had been home for an hour.

it will mess up tomorrow as I have a new job and have a one to one meeting on Teams which I was planning to do in the bedroom, but he will be asleep all day no doubt.

It just all feels so intense, I have listened to DH for the last 15 years saying what a crap friend this guy has been and now we have U-turned into all day messaging and going round his house for 8 hours. I guess I just need to make adjustments for this but it feels like a huge change has happened.

It does all seem full on! No chance they're blossoming a romance? Or bromance .. I've rekindled friendships before, especially when FB was new but can't say they were ever that full on!
After a bit of time I'm sure things will slow down, but like infatuation, these things either blow over or will just settle

If the bedroom is the most suitable place for quiet teams call, you wake him up half an hour beforehand and tell him you need the bedroom. His unplanned social schedule doesn’t mean he can make your work inconvenient. Next time maybe he will think to ask or consider your schedule. If my Dh didn’t work nights he doesn’t have any automatic right to the bedroom just because he was out late if that’s my space for certain teams calls.

It’s a long time to catch up on and people do change. He might not be a stoner gamer anymore.

8 hours with friends I have done this more than once, never mind with people I haven’t seen in years. Just loose track of time.

It also sounds like he has missed his mate
considering he has mentioned him a lot over the years.

When I’ve been in the situation of a lengthy gap aside from the constantly catching up it’s also been like no time has passed at all and the same level of contact has just automatically gone back to how it was.

If traffic was bad the day of funeral may explain the early start off. Done this myself and gone through a drive thru or services along the way to grab a coffee and food. Also gone out without a shower, not a biggie clean clothes, showered the day before and didn’t stink (people would tell me).

As for the meeting. Kick him out of the bed for it. Although doesn’t he also have to get up for work early?

Thanks all,

I have wondered briefly about a bromance, DH said he's never known his friend to have a partner (of any sex) and they are in their 50s.

When we discussed it before I did bring up the fact that I've never been introduced to any of DH's friends and we've been together 18 years, married for 15. This is because he always said they were all twats etc and tbh he hasn't much bothered with them. The only friend of his I ever met was about 13 years ago and only because we bumped into the couple in a kitchen showroom.

Of course I have had nights with my friends that have gone on until late (never 3am though) but I think the difference is DH knows them all, he has been to their weddings, babies christenings, he knows the school mums and dads, he knows my colleagues. Whereas to me, his friends are all faceless entities - I've never even seen a picture.

I have discussed this but he hasn't offered to introduce me or anything. I have wondered if he's embarrassed of me or something, but I can't think why. Maybe I'm feeling left out of his new life? Im not sure what I'm feeling.

Hi op - maybe your partner doesn’t want you knowing stuff around his past or maybe he was a dick head himself. Did new friend used drugs in the past. Did your partner talk about the funeral at all ie does he share things with you?

Does he compartmentalise other parts of his life?
Im really bad for this. For example fb at one point I had 4 different accounts - work, relatives, friends and online friends.

Didnt occur to me to introduce friends to ex as apart from me they had nothing really in common 😂
I’d have them over for dinner or whatever when I knew he had plans. I would avoid as much as possible ex friends etc as I really didn’t care about them and didn’t really want to spent time in their company.

For me nothing to do with embarrassment just really didn’t see the point. And like yous would occasionally bump into friends/colleagues etc when out and I’d be like oh yea that’s Steph know her for years and just carry on with my day.

Yea I’m aware selfish, self centred etc. Downside of personality disorders.

oh I’m not suggesting your dh has a personality disorder. Just a disclaimer to hopefully prevent a derail

They both used drugs in the past but DH stopped and then came to the realisation that he was doing all the work in the friendship.. all the calls, the visiting, the arranging. he eventually stopped doing all the running and the friend never contacted him again, which did lead to DH feeling hurt for 15 years.

Yes, he has talked about the funeral a lot, showing me pics on Google of the pub they went to for the wake, videos of people singing, describing everything in great detail. He talks about this friend A LOT now.

I will give some thought to the compartmentalisation thing, I think that it is how I feel. When I said the other week that I feel it’s a bit of a shame that I haven’t met any of your friends in 18 years I would have expected him to say I had a point, and let’s try and arrange a coffee meet etc.

Maybe I can understand him compartmentalising us, but i would rather not talk about the guy all the time in that case.

If you've never really been introduced to his friends, is that because he doesn't really have any anymore? Is having a friend a big deal for him?

Gosh I would never tell husband he couldn't have a friend over that he wanted to. How controlling

Ooh this thread is quite old, sorry. Ignore me 😂

It does sound incredibly intense, but I think it's even odder that you've been together for 18 years and never met a single friend of his. Is it because he doesn't have any friends? That doesn't necessarily sound like the case. Or simply he doesn't involve you at all in his life with his friends? That's very strange, honestly, after nearly 2 decades.

With this particular friend, yes, does sound way too much. I'd be irritated if dh was messaging ME that often! Does this friend still do drugs? Any chance your dh might be dabbling back in his old life, sort of a midlife crisis thing?