How do I help a friend who is trapped in a cycle of self pity?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Just that really. We’ve been friends for years, since school. I’ve come to realise that she always has something to moan about and thinks no-one has it as tough as she does. I only see her a couple of times a year now and it’s always been easier to just put up with the drama and moans coz I know it’s only for a weekend.

However I came across an article recently about self pity and it could have been written about her. I’m prepared to tentatively suggest that she’s been like this for such a long time now she doesn’t know anything different and she could probably do with some sort of counselling. I’m prepared to get my head bitten off but I do want to help her. Anyone have any experience of this and how did it turn out?

Does she seem unhappy, or does she revel in it? Some people absolutely love being like that and wouldn't want any help!

If it's someone you only see a couple of times a year, are you close enough to suggest counselling?

Is she a reader? Could you get her a book about mindsets?
Carol s Pearson the heroes within is great.
Especially there isn't anything wrong with identifying with orphan. It can protect you and keep you safe. But over identification with orphan for a prlongued period could make your life small.

Or if she's not a reader, go zip lining?
Go to an art class? I got so much simple joy out of making a clay cup!

@Midnights it’s almost like it’s both. And yes we’re close enough. I’ve realised from the article that she needs validation in her life. She perceives hurts like no-one else has ever experienced them and garners pity because at least that’s an attention of some sort iykwim. Any suggestions of help are slapped down (self sabotage being another indicator of self pity). So I’m at the desperate stage of biting the bullet about it because she sucks the energy out of me but I still care enough to try to help

@PeaceX orphan?

I agree about mindsets. Drop the book into the conversation and see if she bites. If she doesn’t maybe you can step back a bit and instead of entire weekends go for a night.

@VoluptuaGoodshag

That does sound incredibly draining! Is there any way you can respond to her that discourages her? My mum can be similar, I did quite a bit of online reading and changed how I reacted to her when she got like that - it really helped, now it's no longer as draining, I don't encourage or respond in an OTT way and it's sort of discouraged her from being as negative.

Agree with PP about mindsets too.

Go for a walk with her in nature. Share any motivational podcasts or books with her. Remind her of her good qualities and what you appreciate about her, compliment her more.

It really depends on whether she sees she has a problem, sometimes people really don’t. And I know people say certain books etc help, but then you find different people read differently into the same read- I know a few people who would grab the more negative side to any positive book but also make everything about that negative thing. Sometimes all you can do is be there and keep nudging with positivity in the hope it rubs off!!

She lives too far away for just a day visit, hence the weekends usually. I think it’s gotten to the stage where I might have to be brutal about it. Any hints or nudges have previously been either slapped down or acknowledged then ignored.

If you refer to her mood that will stop her talking too, because you'll have noticed her emotion and that's what the point of the complaining really is.
Also you can refer to her mood and how she's coming across to you.

If she says 'my electricity bill is going to be huge, it's alright for YOU, but I'm on a low wage, it's just NOT FAIR' you can say 'you seem very down, I find thinking
too much about problems really affects my mood for the whole day'

She puts herself in the Child role and casts you in the Mummy role. So it's "Mummy mummy everyone's being really mean to me! And Timmy got more biscuits than I did, it's NOT FAIR".
So don't defend Timmy's position! Because you'll just get more complaining.
Instead attend to your friend's emotion and talk about that.

You say 'well whatever it is you seem really angry/hurt over it!' or... 'you seem very frustrated, can I do anything to put you in a better humour'.

She'll never take your advice but the roles between you might change a bit.

@Seaweed42 thanks that’s helpful

This is generally what happens when people interfere and offer unsolicited help. Let her be who she is. Help her if she asks you. Otherwise, appreciate her as she is or back off if her attitude bothers you.

It's not up to you to decide how she 'should' feel or how she 'should' respond to her life and the events in it.

@Midnights my mum is very similar. Can I ask for a book recommendation please

This isn’t your problem. As pp has said, leave her to her emotions and don’t try to fix her- its not your job.

your job is holding your own boundaries, if the friendship isn’t working for you, that’s a valid viewpoint and you can take a step back. If the friendship is worth holding on to then work out a way that works for you both, maybe you meet and do an activity, or meet with others, or cut back meetings to once a year.

I have a friend like this. She’s glass half empty to put it mildly. She’s pushed most friends away. I got into trouble for trying to organise a birthday zoom call during Covid times (she lives abroad) - at her request - and received an incredibly offensive message telling me I was controlling. I’ve stepped back (only spoke a few times a year) as although I thought important to stay in touch with a friend who was having a hard time, clearly I wasn’t helping. My friend needs therapy but doesn’t think so…. Her mum and several friends have suggested it.

@forrestgreen I read taming toxic people, and the highly sensitive guide to toxic people! I also read a lot of online articles about negative / toxic parents, basically anything I could get my hands on 😊

@VoluptuaGoodshag orphan isn't literal, it's a mindset

You can find some form of words that conveys your point without being brutal.
Something along the lines of how hard you find it to stay upbeat & be supportive when she is constantly negative ... that you want to help but are not equipped to deal with the disporportionate amount of stress/unhappiness/upset she is disclosing, & how does she feel about talking to a professional about her issues?
That you hate to see her struggle & want to see her get some proper help?

I agree with a PP. it isn’t your place or job to try and fix this friend. If you can’t handle her then take a step back.

I stepped back from someone who was a very close friend during covid. I realised I was very stressed after every phonecall. I put off meeting her when she visited my city. I simply didn’t look forward to
speaking or seeing her.

We phone every few months now whereas it was once a week/fortnight previously. Sometimes I feel sad about it but I don’t miss her.

Thanks folks. You are right, it’s not my job to fix her but to just step back? I don’t think it’s something I can do either. To not say anything all seems so terribly British and I’ve kept the stiff upper lip in other situations and then seen the inevitable car crash which always leaves me wondering if I’d said something, could things have been different.

if she was my partner I’d have to say something. Ok she isn’t but she’s my oldest friend and that means something. @KettrickenSmiled I think that might be the best approach.