Marriage troubles

[Eliza1991]

Just looking for some advice or anyone who can share anything from similar experiences.

I’ve been married for 5 years and have been together for around 10. We have 3 children together, my last two were twins.
after our daughter our relationship struggled a little bit but we found our rhythm again and it was fine. Since having our twins, who are nearly one now, I don’t feel like it’s doing the same way.

i am struggling to be attracted to him.

he is a very physical person (not in an abusive way) and needs regular intimate time. I on the other hand am more emotional and although I enjoy sex it’s not the be all and end all. So if we don’t have it everyday that’s fine with me. But since having the twins and after my recovery we haven’t really reconnected and this is an issue for him. He’s made it clear that he wants sex more and I feel really nags need about it. He has never forced me in to it or anything bad like that but I do feel coerced sometimes and I give in because I feel bad.

i do love him but I’m not sure I’m in love any more but then the thought of him leaving me or us being separated upsets me. I’m not sure if that’s because i genuinely do love him and want this or if it’s because im scared of not being with anyone. I’m also not sure if it’s because im telling myself I need to feel upset because i should want to make it work or if it’s a true reflection on how I fee. I’m so confused.

I don’t feel emotionally connected with him and im pretty sure I resent him a bit too.
I feel that sometimes he is just so selfish and has no consideration for me. Nothing big has ever happened and he’s never done anything really awful but all the little things seem to be building and making me feel pissed off all the time. Examples- getting funny with me when I said I wanted to go to a fitness class on a Monday (the only day that remotely works for me) because that’s his day off with the kids and means he would have them all day and in to the evening but it’s ok for him to go out on another night when I’m on day off with the kids and then have to do dinner and bedtimes alone.
Again getting arsy with me for booking my hair appointment on a weekend whether that be earlier in the morning because it’s his turn for a lie in or later towards the afternoon because that disrupts the day but I can’t book it any other day because I’m either at work or have all the kids.
Pulling a face when I try and arrange nights out with my other mum friends.
wanting to go food shopping alone. ( in the evening when the kids are in bed)
wanting to have a bath, alone and not wanting to send nudes while I get in.

to some this might not sound like much but I haven’t got time to list everything. He does help around the house and with the kids (as he should they’re his too) but this doesn’t always happen just because it’s normally because I’ve asked him to do something. I don’t think he really understands how busy I get in the day and don’t have time for everyone. He often moans at me for leaving washing on the floor or the bathroom not being spotless but I don’t have time to do it all everyday. My showers are so quick because of the kids I just about have time to properly clean myself. No chance of actually relaxing and enjoying my shower just quick in and out. I don’t have time to put all the washing away so sometimes it does sit in the basket ready for a day or so but he never thinks to do it. He barely manages to put his away let alone the kids and god forbid mine.

i have tried to talk to him about it and we end up going round and round in circles. It’s always the same, I say something I’m not happy about he then reflects that back to me and say something hes Not happy about (usually lack of sex) and then that’s my fault to. We sometimes agree on some actions to change things up but they never last long. We start off ok and then he’ll do something to Piss me off like moan the house is a mess again, or I’ve supposedly not done something I should have etc so I’ll stop and then we just don’t bother again.

It’s getting to the point now where sex is just sex it’s not the same feeling as sex with someone you lust for and is passionate. We talk fine day to day but I don’t think he really listens to me and I find myself wanting more and wondering if there is more out there and is the grass greener.

sorry it’s so long just needed to try and get it off my chest. I know if anyone else will understand but........

It is a well known dilemma. Many women can only feel like having sex with their partner when everything else is right in the relationship. They need to feel warm and loving before they feel like sex. But if the husband is not helping out, then the anger and resentment sits in the background.

For many men sex and feelings are not connected in the same way. Or there are some men who once sexually satisfied start wanting to be more helpful, but this comes and goes directly related to having sex.

Its a bit of a chicken and egg situation. I’ve been in exactly your situation and for me it was the beginning of the end.

All I can suggest is tell him that if he helps you more, and cuts out the criticism, you will feel more attracted to him.

Or look up books or online articles about this and get him to read them.

Thank you 😊

If you are managing to work and keep in top of shopping with 3 tiny children you are AMAZING.

Your H does seem selfish and demanding. Your life as a couple is extremely stressful and him sniping really won't help the relationship.

I'm not suggesting you LTB, given such young children it can be difficult to know what is "normal" until they get slightly older. However he needs to recognise how his behaviour is not helping him to have greater intimacy.. Keep going to a class or having your hair done as its impressive that you make time for yourself and it's very important.

It sounds as if your partner resents not being centre of attention.. unfortunately it can be very common. You know him,did he previously have selfish traits that have got worse due to having 3 children?

As silly as it sounds I don’t remember, or maybe I didn’t notice because I had so much more time that doing everything didn’t take up so much of my time but now with kids it does........ if that makes sense. I do think you’re right though about not being the centre of attention.

This is the oldest story in the book I'm afraid. I suggest you sit down with him when the kids aren't around, you each set out your position, and you meet in the middle.

I don't think you need to make any life changing decisions about staying or leaving your relationship now, you must be absolutely knackered and the twins aren't even one yet.

It sounds like he feels he has a right to critique the way you do things, but when you talk to him and ask him not to be so critical, he then uses that as an excuse to criticise you further?

I wonder if he knows he's doing it. Possibly it's just become a (very nasty) habit where he feels the need to complain about very normal things like you getting your hair done.

Another bloke who thinks it's no trouble for the woman to look after multiple tiny kids AND demand a show home off the same woman, but kicks up a babyish fuss when he's required to look after his own children (for a comparatively short time and you can bet your arse he wouldn't clean the bathroom while you were at the hairdressers).