Have you given up on love?

[Worriedpartner1234]

As a bit of context, I’m approaching mid 30s and been cheated on multiple times by different partners over the course of my relationship history.

My friends say ‘the right one is around the corner’ and various other meaningless sayings, but I’m not sure I can go through the pain that I’ve already been put through by partners who can be the most loving towards you but are having secret affairs and gaslight you when you start to get suspicious.

it got me thinking that maybe I should give up ok love and accept it won’t happen. Has anyone else done this and did you regret it later in life?

I do sometimes question the phrases that people use, like 'in love with' or 'do you love him/her' but I would never give up on pure love, which is something you feel rather than something that is given to you by another person.
Are you looking in the right place, do you think?

I realised that most of the times I have been happier with my own independence and keeping busy than relationships. However, I wouldn't say it's giving up.

Love is possible towards friends, especially (girl) friends because friendships have been meaningful as much as, if not more, relationships.

It doesn't have to be having a relationship or nothing. Perhaps getting to know someone, enjoying their company, seeing how you like them.

Often times we end up with someone only knowing 10% of the person and then being surprised by their 90% if that makes sense, sorry tired

Can you give up on live? I mean what does this actually mean? Saying no to any overtures?
I think you should just be super selective. Only go out with someone you are really intrigued by and take it sloooooow.
At 35 it would be a shame to slam the door shut (I met my husband at 39).

I have but I’m much older than you. I wouldn’t give up at your age, I feel like you have so many opportunities to meet someone as you’re still young.

It doesn't really matter if you 'give up' or not. If someone compatible pops up, your decision to 'give up' becomes meaningless.

It's not a decision you have to make. You can stop actively looking, but that's different. If you focus on making your single life everything that you want it to be, you increase your chances of meeting someone with similar interests, and being in a good place yourself to start a relationship. And that's the best thing to do if you're going to remain single too.

Romantic love only works on a conditional basis, eg you do this, behave this way, etc and l will love you. Lots of conditions attached to it, exciting at the beginning, five years down the road your sick of looking at them, bring kids into the mix and the constant competiveness of who does what is the final nail in the coffin.
Fall in love with yourself and your own way of liferegardless of whether you have a partner or not. others can come and go , that's ok, You are your very own constant.

How very black, @SpentDandelion

Sometimes people meet people and have long and happy relationships, without coffin nails or being sick of them coming into the equation.

We are all each our own constant, though, you're right there. And if we only spend our time with people who make us happy, there's no need for coffin nails etc.

Yes, after 22 years with my university boyfriend and some losers before that, I can't be bothered. Am enjoying the single life too much at the moment and being independent, doing all the things I couldn't do as I had to compromise before. It's fun.

I think it's also noting that if you don't feel like doing something after it went wrong a few times, it doesn't mean you've 'given up' on it. If you went to the cinema a couple of times and the films were crap, you might not feel like going again for a while. That doesn't mean you've 'given up on' the cinema. You're just not in the mood, and are finding other things to do instead. Chances are, next time a really promising film comes along, you'll go back again.

I get how you feel, I used to be like that. But somewhere down the line, I changed my mindset. Instead of giving up on love, I saw it as focusing on myself.

Once you find your own independence and genuinely love yourself and your life, it'll no longer matter. You don't have to shut yourself off to love completely. You just need to get to a place where you feel comfortable with your life, and if someone comes along then great. But if they don't come along, equally you'll be just fine.

It doesn't have to be a black and white decision of cutting out love or not.

yeah tbh - Romantic love I mean

i know there’s lots of “you’ll meet them when the time is right” “when you’re not looking” “my aunt was 67 when she met her husband” “ you have to learn to love yourself first babe!!” “Be happy alone hun xox” (Said by many people who have never been alone btw)

but for some people I just don’t think it’s a door that we’re given a key to. I’m not saying that’s you btw but I do feel it is for me

i realised I was always single and did loads of work on like attachments and abandonment issues and blah blah blah

1. I can’t find anyone who genuinely interests me. It’s rare that I fancy someone. Many men are really uninteresting tbh
2. I just don’t know how to go about it anymore anyway and 3) I get a lot of love from friends, my son, hobbies, my plants, learning new things, sunny days etc but in terms of a loving, stable relationship? I genuinely don’t think that it’s on the cards for me unfortunately

I’d like someone to have sex with regularly but equally I just don’t fancy many people and being used as something to cum in by a dude from tinder feels dehumanising and just not what I’m looking for

so to answer your question, for me personally, yes
I do hope you meet someone whi is deserving of you tho :)

Be happy alone hun xox” (Said by many people who have never been alone btw

Also said by many people who have personally learnt the lesson that when you're happy alone, you're better placed to choose a compatible partner, for reasons that are healthy for you.

I’d like someone to have sex with regularly but equally I just don’t fancy many people and being used as something to cum in by a dude from tinder feels dehumanising and just not what I’m looking for

Just sounds like fishing in the wrong pool, really, and got bitter about the obvious results.

Many men are really uninteresting tbh

And many are interesting. Again, just sounds bitter.

but for some people I just don’t think it’s a door that we’re given a key to

We're not 'given keys to doors'. We work out for ourselves how to take responsibility for creating a life that makes us happy. It's not about what you're given. It's about what you choose to take from what you're given. Bitterness, or lessons?

thank you for the feedback

It was for OP, @Gevrgrgrtv

well thank you for interpreting my own personal experience for the OPs benefit

You're welcome.

No. I have needed breaks from it because being in love affects me and my life, and it probably looks a bit different now, but I'm in love and happy right now after an extremely chequered history.

I'd suggest therapy, not because you did anything wrong, but because it has changed things and assumptions for me without me being entirely sure how. I seem to have a partner who is just a joy to be with and our relationship is lighthearted. Long may it last.

If you don't want to, it's fine not to.
It's your way of telling yourself what you need right now. Perhaps you will change your mind in future, there is no need to decide to give up but rather take a break as long as you need.

Yes. Been a single parent for 11 years with no new partner in the mix. Dont feel like I'll ever meet someone worth giving up my single life for but equally it would be lovely if it happened. I just don't think I'm somebody others will love any more. I'm not pretty or interesting and I don't go anywhere (all due to lack of finances not because I don't want to). So yes, given up on love happening.

@Gevrgrgrtv I thought you explained it really well, and I completely agree with you. Ignore the (one!) naysayer with the digs of 'bitter' (usually a word thrown around by someone who doesn't understand or would rather not think about compromises that are a bit too close to home).

Haven't rtft but I have decided that the uncertainty and the grief isn't worth it, but my children, friends and study are so I'm going to enjoy those instead.

I'd also advise people to ignore you, and your ill informed deductions about the motives of strangers.