Reality check needed please

[HeartBrokenWife]

I thought I'd start another thread because the old one had grown so long. My 58 year old husband has now decided that he wants to continue our marriage rather than leaving to be with his 24 year old female 'friend'. He has become very abusive and keeps shouting at me that it is my fault that he made 'friends' with this young woman. Apparently, I did not love him. That is not true. Yes, he has been repeatedly abusive to me over the course of our 20 year long marriage, but my heart broke when I realised that he was planning to leave me for this young female colleague. I did love him, despite his horrible temper and abuse. More fool me I know, but I think I must have a touch of Stockholm syndrome.

He is so angry that I won't believe his flirty messages were anything other than 'friendly' and that he would have sent them to any of the men in his company. So why didn't he? Following her on Instagram was a 'mistake' which he made innocently after she tracked him down according to his retelling of the story and he 'didn't look at any of her photos or reels'. Even though he commented on some of them. I hate his guts, I really do, but I am in a difficult situation right now because my parents are both severely ill and not expected to live much longer and I need his (H's) help to get there because we are in quite an isolated part of the country and I have lost my confidence for motorway driving. My daughter is going to take me to see them soon (they are her grandparents of course and she wants to see them too) but I can't keep relying on her to take time off work.

It is all such a horrible mess and I just want reassurance, if it's appropriate, that none of this is my fault. I DID love him. He broke my heart once I found his messages and plans to leave me. I am not to blame am I? I have been a good and dutiful wife for the whole of our marriage and supported him in many ways when he was getting stressed at work, as well as keeping house and raising his children and all the usual things that women of this sort of men are expected to do without any thanks. I also worked until I got too ill and he resents that but no-one would employ me now.

He sounds horrible, not read your previous thread but.
Can you move in with your parents? Get public transport? If your parents own their own home I’d get divorced pronto before he gets half. you don’t need his permission to leave and you can get a no fault divorce now.

My 58 year old husband has now decided that he wants to continue our marriage rather than leaving to be with his 24 year old female 'friend'. He has become very abusive and keeps shouting at me that it is my fault that he made 'friends' with this young woman. Apparently, I did not love him. That is not true. Yes, he has been repeatedly abusive to me over the course of our 20 year long marriage, but my heart broke when I realised that he was planning to leave me for this young female colleague. I did love him, despite his horrible temper and abuse. More fool me I know, but I think I must have a touch of Stockholm syndrome.

Your whole OP is totally concerned with what your H thinks, the bullshit is is selling you, his justifications, his opinions, his interpretation of events, his wish to stay married ...

You need to forget all about what he wants, & work on a way of not caring what he says.
Instead - what do YOU want?

Don't stay with his because you think you need somebody to chauffeur you to your parents for goodness sake. Start taking some positive steps to rebuild your confidence - a good first one would be took book a course of driving lessons to ensure that you are able to drive yourself on motorways.

Take your time & stop listening to his nonsense. If he badgers & bullies you (face it - this is what he always does so he's going to keep harping on at you isn't he?) tell him that you don't wish to discuss anything until you have had time to consider what YOU want to do.

Can you go & stay with your parents for a longish time?
You will think more clearly when you are away from him.

There’s no public transport from my fairly remote location to theirs and I’ve got a physical disability that makes even sitting in a car painful. The journey is just over two hours if there’s no traffic. They’ve not got room to put me up either. I just wanted to go and see them and take them food and see what else I could do for them, but my husband is currently raging around the house because I don’t believe that his ‘friendship’ with a 24 year old girl in his company is ‘innocent’ and that she ‘made him’ follow her on Instagram, send her personal texts, photos, interact on WhatsApp etc, etc.

You are right when you say that all I ever think about is his point of view. He has broken my heart and my spirit. I want him to leave and he says he will, but then he tells me that I must leave. I effing hate him and I hope he’ll feck off now. There is no marriage to save is there? Everything is on his terms and always has been. I’ve been so stupid for so many years. I probably deserve all I got, but it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I want him to leave and he says he will, but then he tells me that I must leave.
Then engage a solicitor, & work out the legal & financial end to the marriage via them. Do not discuss it with your H, do not engage in negotiation directly with him.

I effing hate him and I hope he’ll feck off now. There is no marriage to save is there? Everything is on his terms and always has been.
You can make this happen. One or both of you are going to have to quit the marital home when you divorce him. You won't want to stay rurally anyway - I imagine you will want to be in a town, close to your parents, with good public transport.

I’ve been so stupid for so many years. I probably deserve all I got, but it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Hey - why would you say that?
It's not your fault that your H is an abusive, lying cheat.
Lawyer up!

He's had an affair, and that was his decision.

If you want a husband who chooses to deceive you, stay with him.
If you don't want a husband who chooses to deceive you, leave him.

Forget 'fault'. Decide what you want, and do it. He's made his choice about who he wants to be. It's your turn to choose what to do, now.

I have been through a similar situation. I am through the other side and don’t regret it for a minute. I understand why this is so hard but he is behaving very badly. I was very sad my marriage was over despite doing everything I thought was right as a wife and mother. It was along marriage.

I would follow the advice above and get a lawyer. It was expensive but I couldn’t deal with my ex and his manipulation so having that third party was invaluable. I am not sure of your finances but you can arrange to pay for it on the promise of funds from the sale of the family home, which is what I did. I also had a counsellor through the process as I needed that additional support. I will be forever grateful to that lady for being there. There are so many things you maybe cannot tell friends and family.

I am very sorry you are going through this. You deserve much better, even just being on your own and not having to deal with this. Be strong.

Pull it together lady!!!

Yes things are not great for you and your situation is currently shit and you’re a little on the back foot, but with time and planning you can navigate all those obstacles.

What you don’t need to do is second guess yourself or ask mumsnet if you’re in the right! You KNOW, you saw everything with your own eyes and you are not silly, you’re capable and you’re stronger than you know. Do not doubt yourself! You’re the only one you can ever truly rely on.
Don’t fall for it. Don’t be manipulated.

(try and get divorce before your parents leave this life, don’t share half with him if you don’t have too) and I’m sorry your going through this, i recently lost a parent and it does break your heart.

@HeartBrokenWife you need to get a good solicitor on board now.

If your parents pass away while you are still married and leave you anything, you'll have to share that with the bumhole husband. That isn't what they'd want for you.

Get a divorce pushed through now so you are free of him. Remember, you are entitled to his pension pot as well as a share of the house and any other assets.

You gave him your all. You gave him your youth, a child, managed the household so he could have a career and you loved him faithfully. He rewarded you with abuse and affairs (there will have been more than 1!) and now he realises how much this will cost him, he is backtracking and heaping blame on you because he has you trained to accept his bullshit.

Once you have a shark of a solicitor on the case, you will know your rights. You owe him nothing more. He took and took and now it's your turn.