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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiance issues help

6 replies

Wistaria · 24/10/2022 10:10

I have been with my fiance a year and half.
He moved into my house at around 2 months of being together (maybe less) he bought this up and I just said yes. It seemed a good idea as he lived with his parents an hour away from me.

The first 6 months were amazing, got on like best friends, sex was regular, couldn't fault him. but after this, sex became less, I got less attention. I am a very affectionate person but he is not and so I felt I needed hugs and kisses and he said he's not that type of person.

We broke up after around 8 months as we weren't getting on living together. I told him I didn't want to be with him, I didn't love him etc. He slept with someone in this time off tinder.

We had about a month apart however we was texting occasionally, and we ended up getting back together. We decided he shouldn't move back in and that we would 'date' so I travelled up to his parents regularly and he travelled down to me at my house. I realised I was unhappy with him, and ended it abruptly.

He wouldn't leave me alone, texts, phone calls etc even when he was blocked off my phone. I gave in one time when I was drunk and he came over. We was back together the next day.

We went on holiday which was booked the second time we got back together, he ended up proposing on holiday. I said yes (people were watching and it was second day of holiday) if I said no it would mean we would of broken up im sure which I did not want either. I didn't feel the excitement of a proposal I see other people have.

We have been getting on great for the last 2 months however we attended a family event (a funeral) recently and he ended up arguing with most of his family to the point he was asked to leave the house. So I got us a hotel room. We then ended up having an argument, he was standing in the door way and would not leave. I pushed him to get out the door and he pushed me back. He took my ring back. He has been in a mood for about a week after this falling out with his family and it's really making me think I don't know if I want to be with him. I have now got the ring back.

Affection is still not regular, sex is every couple of weeks. We do sit on sofa together holding hands etc but not sure if this counts as affection?

He has a daughter (teenager), which he doesn't hardly see, and she doesn't like him. He doesn't make any effort with her and gets annoyed when I tell him to.

He is in thousands pounds of debt from when he was with his daughters mom - they had a house repossessed. This was about 15 years ago now but he still has not cleared the debt.

I know I can never marry him as I would lose my house (my home is mortgaged/ bought) but I am being stupid thinking he will clear his debt and be better with money in the future and then we could have the happily ever after.

I am 28 and he is 37.

He does have good points, he spends all his time with me. Doesn't go out with mates etc drinking, I never have to question where he is.

I am toying if I should stay with him or leave him. I love him but I don't know if I am in love with him. I may sound stupid but please give me honest advice. I don't want to make a rash decision and leave or stay and this be my life.

OP posts:
kidsmom3 · 24/10/2022 10:15

Absolutely leave!

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 10:16

Take the cues from the daughter. If he can't love his kids, how can he love you?

Love is complex. Sex is great. But if he doens't hug you and tell you he loves you regularly, throw him in the bin

CircleofWillis · 24/10/2022 10:16

You should break up permanently this time.

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 10:17

CircleofWillis · 24/10/2022 10:16

You should break up permanently this time.

Fuck yes. She deserves more

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2022 10:19

What do you get out of this?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. Did your parents ever bother to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like, perhaps not and clearly what you're describing is not that at all.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?. Read about this and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

He moved in with you after only 2 months; what on earth were you thinking?.

You're only 28; you need to leave this man and work on raising your boundaries and relationship bar a lot higher than at the sub floor level it is currently. All this about happy ever after with him is not going to happen. This relationship is toxic and choc a block full of red flags. He is in debt, he is moody (aka emotionally abusive) and has a child he rarely if ever sees.

Walk away whilst you still can.

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 10:22

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2022 10:19

What do you get out of this?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. Did your parents ever bother to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like, perhaps not and clearly what you're describing is not that at all.

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?. Read about this and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

He moved in with you after only 2 months; what on earth were you thinking?.

You're only 28; you need to leave this man and work on raising your boundaries and relationship bar a lot higher than at the sub floor level it is currently. All this about happy ever after with him is not going to happen. This relationship is toxic and choc a block full of red flags. He is in debt, he is moody (aka emotionally abusive) and has a child he rarely if ever sees.

Walk away whilst you still can.

Great advice

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