What do you make of my parents?

[WorkerBeeeee]

Both age 70 and live in a 5 bedroom house. No money worries.

Dad retired a few years ago. He mostly sits around watching TV all day. Looks after the garden. Does his hobby 1 evening a fortnight (out of the house). Does zero shopping, cooking or cleaning. A massive hoarder which frustrates my mum. Recently refused to allow their elderly cat to be put down until the very last minute and it ended up in a traumatic and messy rush to the vet. Cries now because he misses her. Stands over you when you are doing something, telling you to do it his way. Is the world expert in everything. Always wants to know where you are in the house and what you are doing. If you disagree, he will sneer at you.

Mum went back to work shortly after supposedly retiring. Partially to give herself a purpose but also, she says "to get away from him" (she moans about him always being at home). She also does voluntary work, has friends. and goes on holiday without him She used to drive loads for work but now they only have 1 car and he insists on driving her places, even taking her to work, dropping her off and picking her up again. So the car can then just sit in the driveway all day.

Dad has never been a drinker or a cheat. But he used to box us kids round the ears right up until we were teenagers. He would tinker with DIY meaning we spent many a freezing weekend trying to study for exams with no heat or light. He refused to allow mum to get a tradesman in for the stuff that needed done and to this day she has the ramshackle kitchen as it was when they bought the house in the year dot.

I'm angry with him for obvious reasons but I'm angry at her for putting up with him. And yes, they did take us to stately homes.

Don't really know what I'm asking here but thanks for any thoughts.

Sounds typical for that generation. An emotionally cut off man controlling a wife who needs to get out of the house to put up with him. I'm describing couples in my family as well when I say this.

Your mum sounds like the kind of person I would like to be when I'm 'retired' (can't ever see me really retired as always need a purpose, do be doing something). Your dad sounds a bit like my husband, basically a good guy who wants to be able to do it all (diy etc) but lacks the actual purpose (my husband is brilliant at his day job, wants to succeed in the diy etc front but then runs out of time, and sometimes ability, but hates the thought paying someone to come in and do the work)

Sounds like your dad is a bit lost now he's retired and trying to make himself useful by driving your mum about, whereas he really needs to get his own hobbies and purpose.

The things that jumped out at me was that your dad sounds really lonely after the cat has died and he seems to be making himself appear useful by driving your mum around and taking her to and fro to work.

Why don't you suggest he get another pet, a cat or even a dog which will keep him busier with walks etc?

I'm not far off their age group, and when they got married it was "for better or worse", people expected to stay married no matter what. And that is what they are doing.

If your Mum is in the habit of putting up with him, she isn't going to change now. And he certainly isn't going to change either. She appears to be quite able to live her own life and to get away from him, so you don't have to worry about her being vulnerable at the moment.

Personally I'd say that your best move would be to let them get on with it . They appear to be doing all right , no money worries and she does get away from him every day / go on holidays with friends so everything seems to be OK . The fact that she has got an old kitchen isn't the end of the world.

Just take a step back, and let things play out. You may feel the need to step in later, if one / both gets frail and needs care, but at the moment you don't have to do anything.

I agree with @starrynight21

I recently started getting too involved with my parents marriage because of similar concerns but then realised, because we're now older and see their relationship from an adult perspective and begin to compare it to our own adult relationships we forget that they know each other better than we know them! So we should let the get on with it and realise that there is also an element of, well would be happy without each other? When they're so used to each other? It might be you dabble, they split up and it makes things a lot worse.

See I think the last thing he should do is get another pet. He let this one down at the last minute when she needed him to put his big-boy pants on. I'm furious with my mother for being so passive. She should have phoned the vet the previous day when the poor thing was visibly moribund. Instead she had the gall to complain to me about having to wipe up the bodily fluids. I feel she should have stood up to him when we were kids.

It sounds like they have done their best, each with struggles but they both get through.

What about adopting an older cat. Other than that, I don't see what you can do. I know it's frustrating because age creeps up and you feel for your Mum. You can't change things other than get nights out with your Mum if that's what you'd like. Your Dad sounds like he's struggling with purpose and feeling redundant and mourning the loss of a pet, which at that age can trigger other feelings of loss to. Sorry I can't think of anything more helpful. Your Dad sounds like my fil. To a tee and I've accepted there is nothing I can do so just accept them now.

All you can do at this stage is manage your own expectations, and the amount of time you spend with them. If you feel able to listen, without it making you angry, that’s great. If you can’t, you either need to spend less time in contact, or find someone to dump it on.

Maybe use this thread to post anything that gets you wound up, (is that how you spell “wound”?! I’m having a brain freeze, looks wrong!), that might be a start.

It’s not fair to say that all 70 year olds are like this - that’s simply not true, but if they went into their relationship with little or no communication on tricky subjects, and continued to have little interest or success in delving into their dynamics, then it’s understandable that they might end up here.

It’s sad, and it’s difficult to watch, but look at that way you minimise your father’s behaviour yourself? He didn’t “box your ears”, he hit you. You had a father than was physically abusive, and you were not protected from it.

Maybe start from that (in how you feel about that, and how it affects you now), rather than getting cross with your dad for being an undemonstrative burden to your mum now that they’re retired. I’m not being rude, just trying to give you another way in to your thoughts, and what might be the “real” problem.

Your dad sounds quite controlling - he would never change after all this time, so probably not worth the blood sweat and tears trying to intervene.

I’d say just let them get on with it. They’re grown ups, it sounds like they have their own routines going on that work for them so it’s not really up to you to interfere. The pet thing is their business too. I agree a dog might be good for him.

I'd think your mum feels exhausted as opposed to passive regarding standing up for herself in this situation.

Your dad seems very stuck in his ways and he clearly won't change. She's had years (probably) of trying to fight for her points to be listened to but realised she's better off choosing her battles with him bc it's just not worth it.

Try not to get worked up over it. This is how their relationship "functions."

I feel she should have stood up to him when we were kids

This is what jumps out at me . You have bad memories of your childhood, and you somehow blame your Mum because she didn't make it better, didn't stand up to him.

Maybe she tried but he was abusive. Màybe ßhe was brought up to put the man's needs before her own. I don't know, none of us knows. But you cànt turn back the clock and rewrite history, op. All you can do is to accept them as they are now. Maybe go low contact if it makes things easier for you. Good luck.

They're grown ups, they've stayed married this long. Dont interfere.

I agree, just let them get on with it. You can't do anything to change things and other people's relationships are their own business, none of us can fully understand the dynamics.

They are also my parents, are we sisters @WorkerBeeeee ? I really understand how you feel but sadly there’s nothing you can do to change him. Just be there for your mum but try and distance yourself from the whole situation. It’s not your marriage, live your own life. 💐

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the outside perspective.

I do remember when I was a kid and I thought "as soon as I'm 18 I'm going to move out and never speak to you (dad) again". And yet here I am at 40 still putting up with his shite. And he's just getting worse and worse.

These sound like my in laws. They're also 70. I think it's quite typical of that generation, yes!

Whether they are typical or not of people their age is a moot point. Your mother is in an abusive and codependent relationship with her H and what you're describing is typical of an abusive relationship. His terrible behaviour also extended to their cat. Learn from their crap example of a marriage and vow to yourself to do the very opposite; that is the best gift you can give yourself here. Unlearn the shit lessons they taught you about relationships through counselling if necessary.

Your mother had a choice when it came to you people as children and she chose to remain with her H for her own reasons, in doing that she threw you and your siblings under the bus. They are both getting what they want out of this relationship so I would leave them well alone; any "interference" from you is not going to be at all tolerated by either party. I would think you do not want to return home very often if at all.

I'm 64; many of my friends are in their early 70's. It is NOT the attitude of that generation - I looked up to my older sisters because the were so cool and sexy - on the pill, had lots of boyfriends, wore clothes from BIBA, Lived In Sin, got divorced.

This was the attitude of my mother's generation and she would have been 102 if she was still alive! She stuck it out in a pretty poor marriage and wouldn't hear there was anything wrong with my functional alcoholic, sneery, snobbish father at all.

Top Tip - even though your parents have set a very poor example of marriage, it doesn't mean you have to have one like theirs. Good marriages are a thing (I found this out at 50).

Your dad is very bossy. Domineering. He's in a mode that I imagine many MNers to be like (very forthright) except the ones cringing in paralysed anxiety. Many people on MN talk about having a domineering parent.

Yeah he's hard work but she's made her bed & accepts him. You can find a different balance in how you deal with him. I imagine that I would let her say her piece then try to change the subject whenever she moans about him. You aren't their marriage counsellor.

Why doesn't your mother buy her own car?

@SaintVitasShagulaitas because they only "need" one car. Well, she's the only one who needs a car, he never goes anywhere. They would tell you it's to save money but that's rot because he's doubling the petrol bill by dropping her off and picking her up instead of just letting her drive there and back herself. She only learned to drive in her 40s (struggled on the bus with shopping and kids) and he never encouraged her to learn to drive. I remember it was a huge drama when she did get a car of her own. A psychologist/psychiatrist would say it's his way of controlling her. I actually find it sinister that he rarely lets her drive herself anywhere anymore.