Am I expecting too much?

[Ermintrude77]

Hi
seeking some perspective/ advice please.
happily married for 10 years to a lovely man/ he’s a great dad and is kind to me.

we both work in busy jobs and work hard at home on a house and our 2 kids when not at work - I work most weekends and he works through the week. We are a good team and generally get on well.

i was watching some trashy tv this evening ( love is blind) and the couple were sitting together and kissing.
it made me realise I don’t think we have done that in the 9 years since we had kids and has made me feel disproportionately upset.

we went sans kids to a friend of his’ wedding together for a few hours maybe 5 years ago, but apart from this have never spent time together alone except when we are doing jobs/garden/ house stuff.

i love him and have tried a few years ago to express my wish for some quality time or romance but he becomes very defensive and says he works hard and tries to be a good husband and dad ( which he is) it led to a massive argument about who does more and I decided it drop it and not bring it up again. this is a pattern which most of our ( infrequent) arguments follow. I would like him to one day just spend an evening sitting with me and kiss me outside the context of sex.
am I expecting too much? Is this normal 10 year married life? i find it hard to think I am never going to have another exciting romantic evening again when I am (only!) 40.

Arrange an overnight babysitter, book a restaurant and a hotel. Start doing things for him to see if you can get to where you want to be without any pressure or blame.

Yeah, you guys need to work through this, in therapy or just together. That's not normal, to me. One question - if you don't get the love you need, why are you having sex?

Hi OP. Were you feeling happy in your relationship before you noticed this couple kissing? Is this lack of romance something that occurs to you sporadically or is it an undercurrent most of the time?

Id say it’s about what you would like. No one can say whether it’s too much or too little — because it’s about your needs. But I would also say, if you would like romance, then initiate some! And if he enjoys that, then hopefully he’ll initiate the next time ;)

Sounds like he just wants a mum for his DD and you're it OP. Suggest that you move out again as you were happier then and got more out of the relationship. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how much he cares about you vs you being exactly where and what he wants you to be.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that (a) he doesn't get on well with her mum and (b) hi contact time was a lot less before you were there to facilitate it? So he may well be using your relationship to avoid paying maintenance to his ex for DD. Certainly he isn't having her so much because he wants to spend time with her, since he ducks all one to one time and you pick up the slack when he's working/sleeping.

I have been married for 22 years. Been together 23. Most of that unhappily.

Then after many fits and starts it got better. It’s that realisation that when u have kids and life gets on the way the time and effort u put into ur relationship goes away.

I cannot stress how important it is to focus on the two of u as a couple not a mum and dad and ships that pass on the night.

keeping a marriage together is hard hard work. Especially with children around. I know I have been there and done it. But it can work if u both decide to try.

We started ‘dating’ again. Spent time together. Our for dinner just the two of us. Cinemas out where we held hands. No phones in the evening. Sitting up to the table together while eating dinner and talking. I found we were both on our phones in the evening and barely talked. We chat for ages now. Especially in the summer sitting in the garden in the evening.

The biggest one for us was getting our sex life back on track. It sometimes wains especially as I am perimenopausal and can sometimes be on my period for months on end. If the sex has gone u end up feeling like friends. It really does keep that intimacy and the both of u together.

we have silly things like we have to have a kiss if we are on the escalator. We hold hands when out. We both leave the house in the morning at the same time and our work journey is the same amount time so we chat on our phones the whole way.

it has been a long hard ride and it is something we are both dedicated to keeping it going. I am so glad we did as I would be missing out on this time with him now.

Thank you for the replies.
Not much has changed since I posted this. Working in the NHS is a huge problem for us both I think and it’s increasingly difficult to find any time that isn’t work, catching up with housework or running the kids to school or activities.
I tried another convo and suggested I make dinner and a date night on his birthday but his parents came over and it never happened. I told him I am unhappy and want more time as a couple and he kind of acknowledged we have none, and has mentioned it in passing when we have argued, saying I know you want that and are unhappy about it and we will do it, but no change as yet…
I don’t feel I can say to anyone I am unhappy as outwardly we put on happy faces and have good jobs nice house etc and I feel massively ungrateful or greedy.
The comment about having sex really hit home and made me wonder what the answer is so I have been sleeping in the spare room for about 3 months. He comes up much later than me, as he generally does more work in the evenings after dinner, and never comes in. Writing this I realise I am married to a workaholic perhaps but when I originally posted what I wanted to know and do wonde r still if this is how most women feel? Do most people have husbands who cook dinner or plan date nights or is that that unrealistic? I doubt that OH will change significantly, there is a massive defensiveness problem which is a barrier to changing. I do love him and want him to understand me, but having expressed this issue a few times and seeing that he knows it I don’t feel like I want to beg him. How many times do I say the same thing which he knows now and still doesn’t want to do anything about?

Have you planned a date night? Not vague comments but on Friday I’m going to book Theatre tickets and then we can go for drinks after type things. You seem to expect him to change while you passively watch him fail.

My husband cooks all the food in the house. As I hate cooking.

sex is very important in a relationship it’s really is. Has u tried to initiate it first ?

Moving into the spare room won't help the situation, once intimacy goes it's usually the beginning of the end. Would you consider couples counselling? Perhaps objective advice and support might help you to reconnect.