No sex marriage

[Ang2585]

Husband and I married 13 years been together 22 years. I'm 42 and husband 40. We have 2 kids 1 ASN learning difficulties 12 and 8 year old daughter.
We have been about a year with no sex or intimacy. We sleep in separate rooms due to my husbands snoring and have done for past 4 years.
I have no sex drive. My husband doesn't even persevere anymore.
Is there something wrong with me? We don't really have any spark at all. We just look after the kids.
I don't even know where to turn for help?

I don’t have the answers OP but just wanted to say that my marriage is exactly the same. Separate bedrooms, platonic. More like housemates than anything else. Gutted if ‘this is it’ for the rest of my life

We went through this for a long time. In retrospect, she had kids and had post natal depression and we had no idea. I was so hurt by the end of sex that I became adversarial and set a tone that persisted for decades. It was a failure on both our parts. It's very different now, she has had sex with other people.

You are not a failure, you are a human being with complex needs and emotions. Does he help around the house? Do you feel supported in the family? My suggestion is marriage therapy, because I know we did it and it's why we are still together. You know how he feels and you feel bad about it, that's more than we had. But you also have feelings that deserve to be heard. You can't fix this by accepting all the blame, that won't meet your needs.

It's sad, just don't know what to do. 😢

For me it changed out of the blue. Like she woke up and remembered that sex is fun. But I think overall, things don't change if you don't try to change them.

I feel he is married to his Job.
I probably hold resentment about this. As a result I feel very lonely especially since he is still working in the evenings upstairs in his room. I feel so alone.

I have spoken to him about this. He says everytime he comes downstairs at night I'm on the phone. This is because I'm lonely. I don't know when he will make an appearance or even want to sit down.

I feel like all we ever do I is argue. 😔

Is he self employed? Why is he working at night? I worked out a few years ago that our kids would be gone soon and started to schedule date nights we would dedicate to each other. Of course, then she announced she was leaving but, I think it's true, you need to matter to each other enough to set aside time for being together without life being in the way. Get a baby sitter. Stay in a hotel. Swing from the rafters.....

Recently divorced, similar kind of thing but I was in an abusive relationship which correlated to the lack of sex. I had no desire for it. Idk if that was my body rejecting him but I had no want for it.

My suggestion is maybe set time aside go for dates and keep that "pursuit" going. Dress up for each other, don't always have to go out too. Board games, candle lit dinners at home, even if you sleep in sep rooms do sleepovers, act like you're dating.

had my ex not been abusive I'd have loved this advice but remember it takes two. Have a chat with him as from what it seems he might be completely unaware of your resentment

Agreed with all of this. Will just add that yes, most divorces are initiated by the woman, and the man typically has no idea. I was BLINDSIDED by my wife saying she wanted to separate 18 months ago

I think she was clear. She's lost desire for sex but sees the loss of intimacy and is imagining it's all her fault (spoiler: it's not)

Do you still love him? Are you still attracted to him (which I see as separate to actually having a sex drive)? Do you show affection in other ways?

Your husband doesn't persevere anymore, ... has he given up and just relives himself with porn?

Somehow you both have to find a way to reconnect with each other.

It's sad that you're going through this, but I've been in his position. I don't know how we got there, but we both failed to honestly speak about it for AGES!

My questions to you..
You don't like things as they are, but how would you want them to be in a perfect world?
Do you love him?
If so, do you tell him?
Does he tell you he loves you?

I eventually got brave and told my wife what I wanted (nothing spectacular, just regular filthy sex with the woman I loved). Lo and behold, we started slow and built up to crazy. All the time she wanted pretty much what I wanted!
I was embarrassed to be honest about my sexual needs/wants and in so doing just prove I'm 'just the same as all men', and the conversation could have gone both ways - if she'd said sod off I think we would have split up there and then.

I think you need to communicate, honestly. Ask him to just listen and say what you want from your life in a calm and clear way.
Say what are the non-negotiables, and if you love him, tell him so, and tell him how much. In fact, say lots of positive and true things about him (he's a man, like me, he'll lap it up!). If you can't think of anything positive, maybe there's your answer?
If he makes no effort to share his thoughts with you, or say positive things about you, then maybe suggest counselling.
If that doesn't work, do everything you'd do if you were trying to attract a new man into your life - that can work too!
Tears are fine - I cried!!
But stick to facts and don't shout.
Stay calm.
Be honest.
Good luck!

For many men sex is a proxy for love. So if you don't want to have sex with him, try touching him outside the bedroom, cuddles during the day, even something like writing him a love letter saying what you value about him. I'm pretty sure he will prefer that to underwhelming, unenthusiastic sex that you clearly don't want to be having