Adult Friendships - Help please

MoominPants · 2022-10-23T21:24:04+00:00

I’m a little lost, at 46, in understanding adult female friendships. Can anyone help me understand what you would consider a healthy friendship to be and where I’m going wrong? I work FT, 2 DC. When we we can, over the years we have hosted BBQs, parties, etc. I remember most friends and their kids birthdays. I think I am a reasonable listener. Yet we never get reciprocal family invites. Last time we had a meal with another family was prelockdown. I make sure my kids have rotated sleepovers/play dates but the parents usually dump and run. We have no family nearby. I feel very isolated, and of course weekends and school holidays make it worse. What should I do?

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 22:43

This is my whole life. Might you be on the spectrum? I am, and I just say things that go over wrong. My kids went through the same thing, and that was because they were also on the spectrum and other kids just didn't like them. They have found their tribe, now, which is great. Me? I am kind of married but we live apart and I am alone all the time. I tend to just make online friends.

Livelovebehappy · 23/10/2022 22:49

I must admit OP that I very very rarely host parties and get togethers at our home. Only because I really just don’t have the time or inclination. I work ft and by the weekend I’m exhausted, have to fit in visits to elderly parents, do housework and everything else I don’t have time to do in the week, and then that’s my weekend done. Maybe you’re unfortunate enough to have friends similar to me! If it’s a case your friends do have people over, and exclude you, then obviously you are right to feel sad about it, but if it’s a case that they don’t have get togethers at their place at all, then maybe it’s just that their lives are too hectic to do so. I think also that lockdown provided people with a more relaxed life to the one they had pre covid, with no pressure to pack lots of socialising into their weekends, which they were then happy to continue with once we came out of lockdown.

MidnightConstellation · 23/10/2022 22:59

Lots of people hate hosting social events and don’t like other people in their houses. Don’t take it as a reflection on you necessarily. I get really stressed by having it organise things like that and don’t enjoy them. I would concentrate on getting to know a few people better. Ask if they fancy meeting for coffee in a cafe or go for a walk. Much less pressure .

Original poster

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:03

@ThatAussieGuy maybe I am. I have always found it difficult to genuinely connect with others. I always feel like I’m pretending, or I’m an imposter. I had a very unsettled time as a child, though, moving around a lot and being brought up a long way from family and in an unfamiliar community so I always put it down to that. I really like people, though, but more as I find them fascinating, iyswim. I have a couple of real life friends but for the most part I’d say acquaintances, especially as since hitting my 40s I seem to have less time for flaky friends or people who just take and don’t give back. 🤷‍♀️

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MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:05

@Livelovebehappy @MidnightConstellation thank you both. I appreciate your comments, I really enjoy hosting but I did think it maybe was partly that. Thanks and good idea about one or two people and coffee. I’m going to try and get into a weekly routine of going for coffee with a friend.

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ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 23:06

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:03

@ThatAussieGuy maybe I am. I have always found it difficult to genuinely connect with others. I always feel like I’m pretending, or I’m an imposter. I had a very unsettled time as a child, though, moving around a lot and being brought up a long way from family and in an unfamiliar community so I always put it down to that. I really like people, though, but more as I find them fascinating, iyswim. I have a couple of real life friends but for the most part I’d say acquaintances, especially as since hitting my 40s I seem to have less time for flaky friends or people who just take and don’t give back. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like spectrum behaviour to me :) It's tough and honestly, for me, understanding I was part of a different group and not an abhorrent weirdo, meant the world to me. So might be worth exploring?

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 23:07

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:05

@Livelovebehappy @MidnightConstellation thank you both. I appreciate your comments, I really enjoy hosting but I did think it maybe was partly that. Thanks and good idea about one or two people and coffee. I’m going to try and get into a weekly routine of going for coffee with a friend.

If I am right, you will probably find close connection with one person a lot easier than being in a group of people. I certainly do.

Original poster

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:08

@ThatAussieGuy How do your online friendships work, please? Is it via gaming? Sorry if that sounds silly I wouldn’t know where to start.
thank you!

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ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 23:10

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:08

@ThatAussieGuy How do your online friendships work, please? Is it via gaming? Sorry if that sounds silly I wouldn’t know where to start.
thank you!

I used to be active on FB but because I am not neurotypical i don't know how to navigate their filters and am always on bans for saying kind things. I am using TikTok now, they have live feeds and I talk to people and meet them that way. I am in a few dischords, which I found through FB

Yellowcakestand · 23/10/2022 23:13

Livelovebehappy · 23/10/2022 22:49

I must admit OP that I very very rarely host parties and get togethers at our home. Only because I really just don’t have the time or inclination. I work ft and by the weekend I’m exhausted, have to fit in visits to elderly parents, do housework and everything else I don’t have time to do in the week, and then that’s my weekend done. Maybe you’re unfortunate enough to have friends similar to me! If it’s a case your friends do have people over, and exclude you, then obviously you are right to feel sad about it, but if it’s a case that they don’t have get togethers at their place at all, then maybe it’s just that their lives are too hectic to do so. I think also that lockdown provided people with a more relaxed life to the one they had pre covid, with no pressure to pack lots of socialising into their weekends, which they were then happy to continue with once we came out of lockdown.

This is also me. Work, parenting and life in general mean I don't like people in my home as I just like to lounge out in my house clothes when I'm there and not make conversation. My 7 Yr old says why doesn't he have friends to play round. I am out of the house for 12 hours per day on 4 consecutive days and the rest I'm shattered and don't want to tidy up! At the weekend we visit friends and family. I do tell my friends and the parents of school friends this though and make sure I tell them that I appreciate the invites to theirs and always ask what I can bring or send DS round with. They also know they can ask me for favours/emergency situation and school run. I'm just not good at offering

Original poster

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:19

@Yellowcakestand thanks for your comment. I
understand your perspective of not having people round and I think this could be true for several families we know. I am needy for community in that respect - I really do love a full
house :)

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MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:20

Our of interest, how many close friends do you have, and how often do you see them?

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Yellowcakestand · 23/10/2022 23:40

I have a partner who I see on a weekend, I see 4-5 friends (at theirs) throughout the month (some weekly). I also visit my aunt, grandad, sister and parents. So it is pretty full. Only two friends and my partner ever come to mine. No school friends come to play but we do go to theirs or meet them out in the holidays

Yellowcakestand · 23/10/2022 23:41

I also work 4 days a week and son has weekly swimming lessons

Yellowcakestand · 23/10/2022 23:42

I also have my own hobby 1 night a week. So when we are in, we are in!

Kite22 · 24/10/2022 00:05

Yet we never get reciprocal family invites.

So are you looking for friends for yourself, or some sort of whole family entertainment swap thing ?
As I'd see them as very different.
I have lots of people I would consider friends but I wouldn't be inviting their whole families over. That sounds like a nightmare idea to me.

When my dc were young, if we were able to arrange the odd tine to have their friends over, I wouldn't be inviting their friends' parents, and I would not have wanted to lose those precious few hours when mine were invited to their friends' houses.

walkersareback · 24/10/2022 00:50

I think I am fairly normal but I really struggled to make lasting friendships with other mums. I do have friends but they are either pre kids or work friends.

Sometimes I feel sad for my only dd that we didn't get invited to all the social functions that were going on when she was at school. I think she was sad about it then but doesn't seem to care now - she has her own friends from Uni and hobbies and work.

What I am trying - very clumsily - to say is that it can be hard to make friendships as we don't always come across "out tribe". We pull it help to have separate rather than family friendships? Snd as a PP said - a smaller group can be easier - meet for a coffee with one or two other people.

Good luck, it can be tough but you found lovely and I'm sure you'll find your people soon

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 00:52

MoominPants · 23/10/2022 23:20

Our of interest, how many close friends do you have, and how often do you see them?

General question?

I was in an open relationship last year and made a lot of female friends. They all drifted away or I cut them off to save my marriage. I had a really close friend and we stopped talking because he got creepy with his daughters friends. I don't have any close friends. I have maybe 8 people I know, none I could just call and talk to.

Original poster

MoominPants · 24/10/2022 07:57

Thank you @walkersareback @Kite22 @Yellowcakestand I really appreciate your comments. You have helped make more sense of things.

@walkersareback you sound lovely too. A few lightbulb moments for me on this thread has been that “Mum” friends are maybe less likely to stick around as other than kids there isn’t much in common. And that I need to cultivate other friendships 121. And that I need to invest time in doing that. So thank you xx

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Mary46 · 24/10/2022 11:51

Hi op its def harder. Im close to 50. Most friends work or do full T. I find unless I do the arranging nothing. Maybe when kids younger I met more mams through them. I just find people dont commit now or oh I get back to you

Original poster

MoominPants · 24/10/2022 12:32

@Mary46 yes I am usually the organiser too. Maybe we are the ones that appreciate social occasions more, whereas others can take or leave them? I’m going to keep going, I’d love 3-4 female friends that I click with that are reliable and do want to meet up semi-regularly, I have 1 so far. Good luck. Xx

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Mary46 · 24/10/2022 12:50

2 good friends thats it. But not nice seeing nights out on FBook and they havent had a spare minute lately .. so am letting flakes go now lol. Havent energy for it.

Original poster

MoominPants · 24/10/2022 12:55

@Mary46 I am taking a break from FB for exactly this reason! Time to make some real life connections for me, none of that silly nonsense ;)

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