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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you please tell if I am a bad person and I should give up?

11 replies

Herkule · 23/10/2022 17:14

My partner and I had a son. Our relationship is dead and any time we can start the separation process. My partner always blames me. Basically, everything is my fault.

I know, I wasn't really good with her and very supportive and I have done a bad thing. So the worst thing I have ever done, was during her pregnancy. I didn't support her for around first 3 months into pregnancy. By that I mean I almost wasn't talking to her and I was walking with an angry face. I don't know what has happened to me, probably a combination of a few things. My third year of uni was upcoming and I wanted to focus on that, but as we live in UK and my partner speaks English less than on a basic level, I needed to do everything for her and with her. So everything related to her health, her finance and so on, making all the phone call, etc. Plus, a few months before that I found out I have a low grade non-hodgkin lymphoma, which apparently wasn't doing anything to my body at that point.

I know there is no excuse and I really treated her bad for the first 3 months, so maybe all the following problems are all my fault, can someone please advise and rationalise?

My partner decided everything about our son. That's what she's done:
She decided not to give him any meat - without asking me, just that's her decision.
My partner decided not to vaccinate our son - against my decision.
My partner decided to give our son a nationality of our home country, against my decision, as I wanted either British citizenship or a double citizenship.

There are a few other things that I don't agree with. My partner told me that she is not planning to work for the rest of her life and I need to provide for her and our son. I will provide for our son 100%, but I am not going to provide for her. Simply because we don't love each other anymore, there are no good feelings between us, If I would really love her and it would be mutual, I would be happy to work and even get a second job and provide for my whole family.

It is also not helpful that her reality are now conspiracies, thus why no vaccination for our son and why she is very reluctant to take our son to any doctor check up and not going to any check up for herself. But I already wrote about that in my previous post on this forum, if someone would like more information.

But during every argument - it's all my fault. I did notice, that for her it is always someone's else fault and she never mentions her mistakes. For example, she was only telling bad things about her ex and not a single thing what have she's done wrong in her previous relationship.

But what do you think - is it all my fault? Those first few months in her pregnancy when I wasn't supportive, did I destroy everything? I started being supportive afterwards, when we had a fight and found out a few things, but those first few months could have had a huge impact, right?
Please, I need any advice, whether I am irrational and should step down and admit all her decisions were correct and she is right for me not to have any decisions in regards to our son.

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 23/10/2022 17:17

I don't think a rocky start to her pregnancy lasting a few weeks means you have to swallow her bullshit and let her make all the decisions for the next 18 years. Do you?

That said, I think you should split up and then she will have to get a job.

Icedlatteplease · 23/10/2022 17:25

The first 3 months are between you and your conscience. Even if you don't have the best start you can't turn it around now.

She decided not to give him any meat - without asking me, just that's her decision.
She can do that. You dont have to when the child is in your care.

My partner decided not to vaccinate our son - against my decision.
You can get your child vaccinated whilst in your care, but that probably isn't the most advisable approach. You do need to take it to family court, hopefully you can resolve it at mediation but I suspect not.

My partner decided to give our son a nationality of our home country, against my decision, as I wanted either British citizenship or a double citizenship.
Again this is something that you probably need to be discussed in family court/mediation

I need to provide for her and our son.

Your legal obligation is the calculation by the child maintenance service. If you haven't been in contact it would probably be advisable to be so.

Original poster
Herkule · 23/10/2022 18:08

P.S. just to quickly clarify something.
We are still living together and I am a biological father and my name is on a birth certificate.
Mediation is what I am planning to do, but my partner will probably not agree as she knows she might not really survive here, so her plan is at some point to leave and to take our son to our home country, she already threatened me with doing so several times. I know it's illegal, but I think she doesn't know. Even if she would do that illegally, there is not a big chance I could stop her, right? While I'm at work, she could leave and if I would not report in time, I think she would just leave the country

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 23/10/2022 18:11

I'm confused. Are you still in a relationship?

Original poster
Herkule · 23/10/2022 18:37

Yes, we are still living together. Like I said in the very beginning - any time we can start the separation process.

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 23/10/2022 19:40

If she does take your son abroad, and he doesn’t have British citizenship, I think you would struggle to get him back. That puts you in a very difficult situation. I think you behaved very badly during the early pregnancy, and maybe that did damage your relationship beyond repair, but that doesn’t mean you forfeit parental rights. Morally or legally.

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 22:59

Herkule · 23/10/2022 17:14

My partner and I had a son. Our relationship is dead and any time we can start the separation process. My partner always blames me. Basically, everything is my fault.

I know, I wasn't really good with her and very supportive and I have done a bad thing. So the worst thing I have ever done, was during her pregnancy. I didn't support her for around first 3 months into pregnancy. By that I mean I almost wasn't talking to her and I was walking with an angry face. I don't know what has happened to me, probably a combination of a few things. My third year of uni was upcoming and I wanted to focus on that, but as we live in UK and my partner speaks English less than on a basic level, I needed to do everything for her and with her. So everything related to her health, her finance and so on, making all the phone call, etc. Plus, a few months before that I found out I have a low grade non-hodgkin lymphoma, which apparently wasn't doing anything to my body at that point.

I know there is no excuse and I really treated her bad for the first 3 months, so maybe all the following problems are all my fault, can someone please advise and rationalise?

My partner decided everything about our son. That's what she's done:
She decided not to give him any meat - without asking me, just that's her decision.
My partner decided not to vaccinate our son - against my decision.
My partner decided to give our son a nationality of our home country, against my decision, as I wanted either British citizenship or a double citizenship.

There are a few other things that I don't agree with. My partner told me that she is not planning to work for the rest of her life and I need to provide for her and our son. I will provide for our son 100%, but I am not going to provide for her. Simply because we don't love each other anymore, there are no good feelings between us, If I would really love her and it would be mutual, I would be happy to work and even get a second job and provide for my whole family.

It is also not helpful that her reality are now conspiracies, thus why no vaccination for our son and why she is very reluctant to take our son to any doctor check up and not going to any check up for herself. But I already wrote about that in my previous post on this forum, if someone would like more information.

But during every argument - it's all my fault. I did notice, that for her it is always someone's else fault and she never mentions her mistakes. For example, she was only telling bad things about her ex and not a single thing what have she's done wrong in her previous relationship.

But what do you think - is it all my fault? Those first few months in her pregnancy when I wasn't supportive, did I destroy everything? I started being supportive afterwards, when we had a fight and found out a few things, but those first few months could have had a huge impact, right?
Please, I need any advice, whether I am irrational and should step down and admit all her decisions were correct and she is right for me not to have any decisions in regards to our son.

Like everyone alive, you have made mistakes and you are growing as a person and owning them. No one could ask more of you. If your partner was just mad about the past I'd suggest therapy. But the overall situation does not sound healthy. I think you should probably separate, and get your son vaccinated during your time with him :)

9HrsSleep · 23/10/2022 23:11

Make an appointment with a family lawyer, or see if you can obtain legal advice through your university councillor. It seems your most pressing point is finding legal advice on what to do if she takes your son out of the UK, seeing as you aren't married.

Ofcourseshecan · 23/10/2022 23:15

Plus, a few months before that I found out I have a low grade non-hodgkin lymphoma

Are you having treatment, OP? Please don’t ignore this diagnosis.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/10/2022 23:18

You need a mediator
and if that doesn’t work a Soliciter

you won’t be able to agree this between you I’m afraid

but move quickly

MMmomDD · 23/10/2022 23:24

At a minimum - you need to apply for your son’s passport. He was born in England, and if you have a British passport - he is British by birth - you don’t need a lawyer to apply for his passport.
You just need to fill out passport application and attach all the necessary documentation.
As she hasn’t consulted you on his other nationality - you don’t owe it to her to consult her on this.
BUT - it’s important - if you want to protect your son from being taken away to your original home country.
I would do that immediately - before anything else.

After you make sure she can’t just leave with your child - I’d start figuring out how separation can work.
And then you can register your son with NHS and vaccinate him. As well as sorting out his diet.

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