33. My long-term boyfriend just broke up with me.

[JamSandle]

I don't know how to go on.

I'm so sorry. If you had been together for years, you're 33, and marriage and kids were still a 'maybe in the future thing', do you think he never wanted them? Most long-term couples are a bit more proactive when the woman is in their 30s. Could he have been stringing you along.

A man who doesn't want to be with you, isn't the perfect man for you, is he? He seemed to be perfect for a while, but he isn't perfect after all.

If you have stuff to 'work through' then that should be your focus. For your own sake.

I am not dismissing your pain, its awful and it f*ing hurts. But try to look forward. Or at least, look forward to looking forward, IYSWIM. That's where things are better.

OP, I'm so sorry. I was 31 when my partner of ten years left me. I also felt like you do right now.
I promise you, it will get better, and you won't always feel like this. Right now, just focus on getting through one day at a time. Even though I couldn't face it, I forced myself out of bed and went to work or the supermarket. Having some structure, routine and normality really helped me. I also sought counselling and, over time, widened my circle of friends and interests.
Another thing I promise you, when you meet the right person, it doesn't matter what barriers you bring to the relationship, they will work with you to overcome them.
Take care of yourself. You can do this x

He was actually trying to move the relationship along and I was stalling. I think that's partly why he ended it.

Ah, this puts a different spin on things. This suggests he still loves you but your reluctance to further commit has made him think that you don’t feel the same way. Is that right?

If you’ve realized that you do feel the same, take action! Tell him how you feel!

All I have is what I tell my son….. one day someone might break your heart and you’ll feel like you can’t go on without them, but remember this moment (at a really happy time for him) and remember how happy you are right now and guess what? you don’t even know this person yet! And here you are being this happy! So always remember you can be this happy without them. And I’ve been where you are a few times and it’s agony and I wish I could hug you and magically make it be 5 years in the future for you when you’re happy again and you’re so glad it didn’t work out. I promise at some point you’ll be glad you didn’t get what you wanted right now. And I’m going through it too at this very moment and it’s sore but it’ll be Ok! 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Yes! Tell him how you feel then!

I think he has made his mind up as he said there was nothing I could do to change it. The feelings have gone. I could say it one more time. But sadly I think its too little too late.

I’ve been there op, it’s a form of grief so be easy on yourself please. It will be very raw and painful right now but it will get better.

To get through the next bit try not to dwell on tomorrow or next week or next year, get through the next 5 minutes and tell yourself every 5 minutes that you don’t need to think further ahead than the next 5 minutes so do whatever you need to feel okay on that 5 minutes; make a cup of tea, run a bath, lie on the sofa with a nice blanket/throw.

Also reach out to your friends and family. You will be okay though, I felt like the bottom fell out of my world when my husband suddenly left me. It was unexpected (to me) and gave me a shock. I felt very low but I’m fine now and happy for him even. Keep talking on here, the relationship board helped me with tips and a place to just talk.

The thing is, the very last thing you need to be thinking about right now is finding another man/relationship. You need to focus on YOU. Who you are, what makes you tick, makes you happy within yourself. You need to learn to be happy on your own, satisfied with your own company. Because other people don't make us happy. They may give that illusion, but real happiness comes from within.

Right now, grieve for the loss of the dream. Give yourself time to heal and, yes, seek help if you need it.

As far as contacting him, sounds as if he's made his decision and you should respect it if he's told you he doesn't want to speak to you. And until you've figured out what makes you put up those walls in a relationship, chances are you'd just repeat the same behaviours anyway.

Yes op agree with poster above; forget about relationships for now as you need to process this break up and look after yourself. I always find at this stage I will only attract rotters anyway so just look after you right now.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Hello again OP, we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Right you can do this. Time heels this sort of thing. Depending on how long you were together may give you an indicator of how long it can take to feel better. In the meantime make like about you

Clean your home
Face mask
Wash your hair
Lavender under pillow
Buy yourself a new outfit
Throw out old clothes
Upcycyle something in your home
New pjs and bed sheets
Blast music and sing your heart out
Get a takeaway tonight
Drink loads of water
Join a gym
Get a hobby
Learn an instrument
Keep busy
Read a book
Cry cry and cry
Inscence sticks
Lovely candles
Get some new cushions
Get your hair done
Get your nails Dan
Get a fake tan
See your family
See your friends
Get a fish or a cat or dog if you have time
Aim for a new job or promotion
Write a diary
Chocolate
Sweets
Write down why your are great and tea it every day
Meditate
Yoga
Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are amazing
Get dressed everyday no matter how bad you feel
Go for walk
Do something you wouldn't normally do
Go out to eat with a friend
Watch comedy shows and movies
Stop worrying you are only 33
Discard of anything that reminds you of him
Speak to a councillor about the past issues you have
Call GP for an appointment
Look at mental well-being and mindfulness online
Love yourself
Watch funny videos on YouTube

You will get through this

This is lovely advice, spot on.

OP, I’m another person who has been where you are, I’m with someone new now and thank god my last relationship didn’t work; I would never have dreamed of saying that when I was heartbroken. Of course, it won’t feel remotely like this at the moment but I promise you this will make you stronger, and when you come out the other side - you will feel incredible. In the meantime, here for a handhold as much as you need 💐

Oh OP, this is the worst feeling I know. I’ve been there, but you will get through it. Recommend seeking out counselling, private is the fastest if you can afford if not speak to your GP about how you are feeling. Don’t be alone, hope you have friends or family that can support?
Time is a healer and therapy was a game changer for me and so many people I know.
Take care and sending love 💐💞

Sounds as if you've had some personal difficulties, eg finding it hard to stop yourself 'holding back'. But you wanted to work on the relationship. If he wasn't willing to work with you, he's not such a good man as you think.

You say you'd spoken of marriage and children, and I wonder if he's backing out of making a commitment.

Do try counselling to sort out the issues that make you hold back. A good counsellor may even help you to see if that is a real problem, or if it's something else. Best of luck OP, xx

Thank you to the people who suggested I reach out to him. We have gotten back together as he has said he feels I want to work on moving the relationship forward with him. He has said he wants to do the same. I feel so relieved!

OP - this is great but honestly look at why you pushed him away in the first place. You might need some therapy/counselling so you don't do this again.

I definitely agree. I know i have a lot to work on. I'm just happy he is giving us a chance together.

That’s great if you’re happy, I would also recommend working on ensuring that you can be independent of him emotionally, it sounds a little co-dependant at the moment and if he decides to break up with you again it could feel much worse

I definitely struggle with code pendency. Can you suggest any resources?

OK so break ups are horrible, especially when we really like the person and don't see it coming.

But if it's making you feel life usnt worth living and suicidal then there must be something else going on. Most people have self worth so when someone breaks up them, it's not the be all and end all. If anything this might be a good thing. Because it sounds like this guy has been a crutch for you. A plaster. That rather than loving yourself, you've relied on mens opinions of you to give you worth.

You would be wise to take time single and address this before dating again. This isn't a crisis. It's an opportunity. Although it may take some time to feel that way. First things first, get yourself to your gp.

I would recommend CBT, definitely worth mentioning if you see your GP but you can also self refer for CBT online if you go here www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/