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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Damaged friendship after discovering her partner seeking gay sex on Twitter

7 replies

DaynaP · 23/10/2022 12:33

I don't really know where to begin with this one....I'll try to keep it brief (ish) and to the point.

So, I had friendship with a woman I met a my daughters nursery - her son was in her class.
We got along really well, introduced our partners and ended up socialising as two families for over 10 years. In that time we took lots of day trips and holidays away together.

She and her partner had been together for over 25 years but were never married. She said the odd thing to me from time to time that made me think her partner was a little controlling... she had no knowledge of the family finances and suggested on a few occasions that she wouldn't be able to 'get anyone else' if they split. Her partner often gave me a weird vibe.. he was shifty and I often felt he was wary of me.

Out if the blue one day my friend disclosed to me that her partner had 'gone missing' at Christmas- she called the police and they found him asleep in a local graveyard. He hadn't told her what he had been up to and she didn't press him for answers - weird!

Anyway, fast forward to mid last year - I had a 'suggested contact' pop up in my Twitter app. (I assume that as it was a person I had in my phone contact list, Twitter alerted me).
When I clicked the link it led to an account with a profile pic that was clearly my friends partner. When I looked closer at the bio I noted that he was referring to himself as 'a daddy' was verse, and seeking casual sex with men in our town. I was shocked to say the least. I then made the mistake of clicking the 'sent tweets' tab and there I saw some VERY graphic images of him naked, some were obviously taken in his workplace and others in public places. He had sent tweets to the accounts of very young males with these photos attached. It was clearly him as his watch and bracelet were recognisable.

I told my friend as I thought she had a right to know. Long story short, she confronted him, he denied it saying he had 'been hacked'. Interestingly the moment she confronted him the account and photos came down. Despite this, and her telling me she knows it is him, she messaged me saying they were going to work it out. Now that's her choice, but this is where it gets difficult...

My daughter (who is now 18) found out about it and disclosed to me in tears that he had always made her feel uncomfortable... he regularly winked at her, tickled her excessively when we were camping etc and even used to brush his fingers across her back and neck when he walked behind her at the dinner table. She said he'd done this since she first met him and used to hide from him. (So she would have only been aged 8 at that time).

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. If I confront him he'll just deny it and think I'm being malicious due to the broken friendship.

Any advice is welcome.
TIA

OP posts:
Alertthecorgis · 23/10/2022 12:38

Your dd could maybe do with some counselling as it’s his actions when she was young have caused a lot of distress. Do you have anything to do with them anymore? If you like the women, I’d be tempted to keep in touch with her and do things without him so she doesn’t become isolated. Him, I’d have nothing to do with at all!

DaynaP · 23/10/2022 12:41

Alertthecorgis · 23/10/2022 12:38

Your dd could maybe do with some counselling as it’s his actions when she was young have caused a lot of distress. Do you have anything to do with them anymore? If you like the women, I’d be tempted to keep in touch with her and do things without him so she doesn’t become isolated. Him, I’d have nothing to do with at all!

No I now have nothing to do with them whatsoever - After my daughter disclosed what he had been doing, I told my friend but she chose to carrying on her life with him.
I haven't spoken to her since. It sickens me.

OP posts:
PaniniHead · 23/10/2022 12:50

Alertthecorgis · 23/10/2022 12:38

Your dd could maybe do with some counselling as it’s his actions when she was young have caused a lot of distress. Do you have anything to do with them anymore? If you like the women, I’d be tempted to keep in touch with her and do things without him so she doesn’t become isolated. Him, I’d have nothing to do with at all!

You are seriously suggesting OP keeps in contact with a woman who has stood by this cretin of a man who could be seen as, in essence, grooming her DD or at the very least being inappropriate?

I would put my DD first, regardless of the woman becoming isolated or even if I wanted to keep the friendship. It won’t do DD any good knowing you’re still associated with them.

Alertthecorgis · 23/10/2022 13:05

It doesn’t sound like OP has told the woman what her husband did to her DD. I’m merely suggesting a lifeline for the other woman. If she knows about it that’s completely different. Obviously her main support has to be towards her DD. I’m not sure I’d do anything about him. Get your dd some decent counselling and as you’ve already cut them out of your life.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 23/10/2022 13:12

Simple, cut ties and help your daughter

drpet49 · 23/10/2022 13:25

PaniniHead · 23/10/2022 12:50

You are seriously suggesting OP keeps in contact with a woman who has stood by this cretin of a man who could be seen as, in essence, grooming her DD or at the very least being inappropriate?

I would put my DD first, regardless of the woman becoming isolated or even if I wanted to keep the friendship. It won’t do DD any good knowing you’re still associated with them.

This. I would have nothing to do with her and her vile husband

Felicity42 · 23/10/2022 13:37

Figure out the best way to help your daughter rather than try to get revenge.
You might find it easier to keep going back to getting angry with him, but is that just a distraction from the real issue?

What is the intention of your posting here?
What part of it are you wanting help with.

Notice you didn't call your thread 'ex friends partner was inappropriate with my DD,how to help her?'

I wonder is a part of you trying to hurt him/her by outing the situation on mumsnet.

You talking about how bad the two of them are won't help her.
She didn't say anything because she didn't want to upset you.

So you being upset and angry and focusing on them and talking about them won't help her. Because it only shows how invested you still are in them and giving them 'airtime' in your thoughts and conversations.

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