Should I stay or should I get a divorce? So torn

[underwatersunshine]

Trying to keep this as brief as possible but there's a lot to it.
Together 5 years, married 3. One toddler DD. Both in our early 30s.

Our relationship has had problems over the years, DH has been physically and emotionally abusive on a handful of occasions over the years but pretty regular arguments/disagreements etc.
We split when DD was younger for a few months (I asked him to leave) and then I eventually relented and took him back. Things have been ok since then, we have had stresses and hard times but no physical violence.

A couple of months ago we had an argument and DH threatened me in front of DD (luckily she's too young to understand) so I made him leave, I was adamant the split was final, started to feel better in myself and then there was an emergency in the family and DH came back to help look after DD so I could concentrate on the other things. I told him he wasn't moving back in and needed to arrange somewhere else to stay (I own this property, mortgage in my name/paid for by me etc) but that's just never happened. I've been very busy dealing with the family emergency, supporting etc while DH has been great with DD. He's a really good dad, couldn't do more, DD adores him. He's been very nice, caring, supportive and I'm starting to wane on my decision.

I'm torturing myself about it thinking I shouldn't split up with him, things will be ok, if he leaves I'll be a single SAHM and have no help with childcare (except for free nursery hours next year) until DH got himself somewhere to live and could proper contact with her. I would let him come here to see her in the meantime which I think might be difficult.

I just have no idea what to do. One part of me is dreaming of this perceived "freedom" of not having another adult to worry about, no arguments, no stress and nobody else to answer to. But then I am also terrified of the prospect of regretting the split and struggling as a single parent. And of course I don't want to hurt his feelings, I know he would take it badly and have a very hard time getting his life in order.
I feel like I love him because he is DDs father, we haven't had sex for months and I have no desire to, when he's trying to cuddle or gives me a kiss or says he loves me I feel horrifically guilty that I don't want to do those things.

I am really stuck about making a decision so any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

Well OP, one instance of physical abuse would be enough for me to cut ties permanently, particularly when there's a child in the mix.

oh you poor thing. This only seems like a difficult decision before you make it.

It will be overwhelming wading through all the admin of a divorce, and change is never easy. But he's verbally and emotionally abusive and you obviously feel too turned off by that (that's good, inside yourself you know you don't deserve this) and you don't want to be physical.

Listen to your gut.

Your gut is turned off. It's telling you YUCK but you got to be the adult that sorts out the divorce here. take a deeeeeeeep breath and do it.

Because the best it's ever going to be is ''ok'' and even then it's a kind of denial that it's ok at best because really, this isn't ok.

Change is hard and divorce isn't easy but you can get through it.

x

It's an abusive relationship. Divorce and professional support for you to come to terms.

He has been physically abusive to you.

He has threatened you in front of your daughter.

And yet you continue to let him look after HER? What is wrong with you!? How do you know he has never hit her?

if he leaves I'll be a single SAHM and have no help with childcare

So you'd rather put her at risk because it's more convenient for you? Unbelievable.

ps, the fact that you feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with a man who has been abusive to you is really telling OP. He has trained you to feel his needs and not your own. All part of the abuse but really try to tune him and his entitlement out and listen to yourself. What do you want.

In fact being too turned off to have sex with him is what you need to listen to. That is your natural reaction to being treated badly. while your head dithers about the decision of leaving or staying, your BODY is telling you the answer.

Do not whatever you do drown that out with rationalisations, ie, feeling guilt for not having sex with him!!

Of course you do not want to have sex with somebody who is being horrible to you.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy , it's normal to try and figure out what the best decision is and op is doing that now. The conclusion isn't usually arrived at instantaneously. Shaming people is never the best way to leave women feeling empowered to face change, or to find bravery

You're in an abusive relationship OP.

You may think your daughter is unaware, as a toddler, what's going on, but it's a very unhealthy environment to raise a child/children and sooner or later, the impact on her will be very real.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice ASAP.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Its over anyway because of the abuse he has meted out to both you and in turn your child. Did no-one ever bother to tell you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment too when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. As you have done here.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships, would you want her to be in a relationship like this?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either. You really want to model this shit to her, to show her that a loveless, abusive and sexless marriage could be her norm too?.

Do not stay with him also because of a lifestyle or fear of the unknown/being alone. A lot of people get hung up on their sunk costs; do not let this be you.

What did you learn yourself about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you codependent; stop with putting any of his needs etc well above your own here.

And stop worrying about hurting his feelings; he really does not have any. He certainly did not care then or even now about your feelings when you and in turn your child saw his abuse at first hand did he?.

@PeaceX I"m not interesting in or trying to shame her. I'm pointing that she is relying on a man who is physically abusive to women to look after their daughter, and that this puts her child at quite serious risk.

I agree with legoninja, ref physical violence, if he’s done it once (or more) it will happen again.

You said yourself you’ve asked him to leave twice and the second time you were beginning to feel better in yourself. It’s only because of the family emergency that’s he’s back. I assume he’s on his best behaviour, which is why you are wavering. You have only been together for five years, this does not bode well for the next 5, 10, 25 years.

Please look into the far future, do you really see a good relationship with him lasting until you grow old? I don’t think you could even risk having more children with him.

You’ve thrown him out twice. I think this decision was the right one. Please do not consider his feelings. You say he’s threatened you in front of your child. Next time she will understand. Please think first of yourself and child. You made the right decision before, dont let him back. He is not to be trusted with you or your daughters physical or emotional safety.

Thank you everybody for replying, both the supportive and kind and the harsher ones.

I know that people are right. Every time it's happened I think to myself "if he does it again that will be it" and every time I say the same thing again and again. I suppose I didn't grow up with any examples of positive relationships; as a teenager I was sexually abused by somebody and my parents' marriage isn't great - my mother once said she only stayed with my dad because she had nowhere else to go.

When he is nice I feel terrible and guilty for thinking about leaving. When he is horrible it's easy. I think if he were horrible all the time it would be easier but I know it's wrong either way. I have suffered with depression for a long time (before marrying DH) so I know that plays a part - I can never judge my own mind or know when I'm being rational or not. I want to be a good mum to DD though and I know that will probably mean going it alone, I love the times I have had where it's been just me and her, I was a lot happier.

I think the family crisis isn't helping - I feel awful for blowing up whilst other stuff is happening, it's a lot to cope with for me and my family. I feel like I am rambling and talking myself in and out of it.
I just need a bit of a handhold I suppose. It also feels rubbish to do it on the run up to Christmas but there's always events/holidays so if I put it off because of that I'll put it off for the rest of my life.

I think I need to seek some advice (legal and counselling), get everything in order and then tell DH. I'm frightened of his reaction as well, I know if he gets upset I'll feel bad even though I also know I'm not responsible for another adult and their feelings.

Thank you again.

I think I need to seek some advice (legal and counselling)

I think both would be a really positive move and do not tell him about it either.

I'm frightened of his reaction as well

This speaks volumes.

I really hope you can find the courage to get this man out of YOUR house. He is an adult and can find his own accommodation.

Maybe see if you can get a place on the Freedom Programme.

With a 3-year marriage a court would probably agree that the house is wholly yours, and should not be shared in any way. Stay married for long enough, and he would have a good claim to some of the value of the house, no matter whose name is on deeds/mortgage. So, just a thought ...

underwatersunshine

re your comment:
"I suppose I didn't grow up with any examples of positive relationships; as a teenager I was sexually abused by somebody and my parents' marriage isn't great - my mother once said she only stayed with my dad because she had nowhere else to go".

You were indeed shown poor relationship lessons by your parents and they
let you down abjectly. BTW are your parents still together?. I would think you do not want to visit them very often if they still are. They did not show you an emotionally healthy and or respectful marriage and you still do not know what one of those is now.

I would urge you to contact NAPAC re the sexual abuse; that is solely on the person who did that to you. It is absolutely not your fault and that person took advantage of you. I have put a link for this organisation here napac.org.uk/

What your H is showing you now is likely the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He knows that his gravy train life with you is coming to an end.

You have a choice when it comes to this man now, your daughter does not. Do seek legal advice re divorce, contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. She will also thank you for doing that.

The very fact that you are asking that question to me means you need to get out

All your reasons to stay/get back together with him are about fear. Fear of being alone, fear of having no help with childcare, fear that contact with DD will be awkward etc. But fear is never a good reason to stay in a relationship and especially not fear of 'unknown' things like whether you might struggle (you could just as easily thrive!) and things which are not your problem (how he will cope) and not in your best interests to prioritise anyway.

You have far more to fear if you keep allowing him to creep back in, abusers don't change without serious work on themselves, (therapy etc) and often not even then, so the risk that he will abuse you again is extremely high. And the fact that you are 'dreaming' of the freedom you could have (and it's not 'perceived' freedom, its real and within your grasp!) tells me you don't really want to go back and all your doubts are based in fear, guilt and a (false) sense of obligation to a man who has hurt you.

So it's really clear to the outside observer what you should do OP and every post is likely to say the same. Don't run away from your chance of freedom because it seems 'easier' to stay (it won't be) or because you're afraid to be without this man, you have far more to be afraid of with him.

The reason too why Solicitors are so busy in January is that people hang on there for Christmas. If at all possible make the break before then; after all Christmas is but two days and he remains volatile towards you and in turn your child.

This is why you need legal advice before you make any decisions.

You have been together 5 years. Married for three. It's not as clear cut as 'short marriage = no entitlement' it all depends on a number of factors.

Did he contribute in any way towards the mortgage. Even if there is no mortgage it still isn't straightforward as the property comes under 'marital assets' regardless as to who's name is on the deeds. A court will look at the issue of both parties being adequately housed where the child can stay with both parents.

Get advice. Knowledge is power. It is from that standpoint you will be better equipped to make the correct decisions.

Thank you all again.

I will definitely do as people have suggested and seek legal advice and look at the freedom programme.

Once I have some things in order and I feel a bit less chaotic I will tell him I want to end the relationship and I want a divorce and then go from there. I don't have much support in the way of friends etc. so this is helpful as I don't really have anyone to talk to and going over and over it in my head really isn't helping.

I feel deceitful and guilty for planning to leave whilst also trying to pretend everything is fine. I've only had one relationship prior to this and there were no children involved and different circumstances so I just walked away. I can't do that here as there's more to sort out and I have to make sure I don't burn myself out as I'll be useless then. I know I need to be strong for myself and DD.

You do need to be strong, and brave but not guilty, the fact that he has been abusive means your safety has to be paramount so you have to do this on the quiet. Get as much in place as you can (including someone to be with you/somewhere safe to go if he really kicks off) before you tell him anything and drop any shred of guilt about it, it's just sensible when you know he's capable of violence.

I've been very busy dealing with the family emergency, supporting etc while DH has been great with DD. He's a really good dad, couldn't do more, DD adores him. He's been very nice, caring, supportive and I'm starting to wane on my decision.
Good dads don't hit women. Good dads don't emotionally abuse their DC's mother. He is NOT A GOOD DAD. He is an abusive man who is playing a part to get you to back down again. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

This is the most classic & clear cut case of Hoovering - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

I'm torturing myself about it thinking I shouldn't split up with him, things will be ok, if he leaves I'll be a single SAHM and have no help with childcare (except for free nursery hours next year) until DH got himself somewhere to live and could proper contact with her. I would let him come here to see her in the meantime which I think might be difficult.
No!
A thousand times no!
Once you are split, he does not get to enter your property again, Ever.
You are not his personal contact centre.
All that will happen is that he will use the contact time to abuse & control you.

I just have no idea what to do. One part of me is dreaming of this perceived "freedom" of not having another adult to worry about, no arguments, no stress and nobody else to answer to. But then I am also terrified of the prospect of regretting the split and struggling as a single parent. And of course I don't want to hurt his feelings, I know he would take it badly and have a very hard time getting his life in order.
Diddums.
He's a grown man, presumably with a job. He can find himself digs. It is not your problem.
HE ASSUALTED YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD FFS.
Stop wasting time feeling sorry for him. You are not responsible for sorting out the life of the man who regularly hits you.

I feel deceitful and guilty for planning to leave whilst also trying to pretend everything is fine.

Give yourself a shake.
Planning to leave a man who is violent to you is NEVER deceitful.
Keep your head down, make your plans, & stay in control by managing everything you need to do in confidence. It is no longer his business how you plan to live your life. He has forfeited any rights to have you concern yourself about him ever again.

I have suffered with depression for a long time (before marrying DH) so I know that plays a part - I can never judge my own mind or know when I'm being rational or not. I want to be a good mum to DD though and I know that will probably mean going it alone, I love the times I have had where it's been just me and her, I was a lot happier.
It's hardly surpising you suffered from depression - you lived in your parents' own abusive marriage & had the fallout of that to manage, as well as CSA to deal with.

You don;t trust your own mind because you are living with a controlling & abusive man. It will clear as soon as you are clear of him. You will start to feel much more like yourself, your mood will improve, & you will start finding life generally much easier to cope with.

Keep visualising you & DD being "just me & her" & how much happier you are both going to be once you are free of this appalling man.