If you are fearful avoidant have you ever managed to have a successful relationship?

[ProudThrilledHappy]

Have recently realised that this is me, probably due to a combination of having one narcissistic parent and another verbal and occasionally physically abusive one.
My first sexual relationship was basically a grooming situation that ended when I said I didn’t want to have sex anymore.
when I think back through all of my relationships they are essentially one of two situations, either men who are really just using me for sex or nicer men who I don’t trust because I assume anything nice they say is a lie to get sex.

I have learned to keep a distance when it comes to the emotional side of relationships and as a result cant really say I ever had one where I completely trusted the person and relaxed my own guard down to be entirely myself.

I’ve been single for a few years raising a child alone, and not really thought about it. I’ve recently met a man who I really like, he’s smart and funny and attractive and has made hints about getting to know each other more but when he does I find myself shutting down a bit because I can’t tell if he is genuinely into me or just another manipulator.

I know the problem is with me. I have had some counselling in the past but I didn’t find it helpful, I felt I was wallowing too much in past events and it made me more depressed.

I would really like to be able to be open and trusting with someone and find a real partner, but I just cant seem to find a way to let my guard down.

If this sounds like you and you eventually found a happy relationship, can you say how you got there?

First of all OP please don't pigeon hole yourself into a box of what attachment style you have. Attachment theory is just a theory and the different styles have been outdated in any type of psychiatrist's practice for years. It's had a resurge with tiktok and the like but it isn't a fact, it's outdated theory.

It sounds like you have trauma. Your natural response to that trauma is to build walls up and keep yourself safe. There is nothing wrong in your reactions to this in the slightest. I'd start by reading books such as the body keeps the score. Find an active hobby and a relaxing one. Build your social network and support system. Focus on making your life how you want it. When you feel secure in yourself you'll be able to be secure in a relationship.

Thank you @CatchersAndDreams

I suppose it depends how you define “successful relationship”.

The only “successful relationship” is the one you’re currently in, that hasn’t ended yet. That’s the same for everyone, with or without issues.

The fear/trust balance is skewed.

You fear getting hurt so the solution is to shut out anything that might hurt you. But you still get hurt. You hurt yourself by pushing them away. So if you get hurt one way or another, you might as well give a little piece of your heart and see where that takes you.

It IS scary to let your guard down where affairs of the heart are concerned and it does take a leap of faith to overcome because there are no guarantees. Not for anybody. Whatever their attachment style.

It’s great that you’ve worked out the reason for your fearful/avoidance behaviour. All part of the jigsaw of life as you work yourself out and become the person YOU want to be.

I see it as a kind of phobia. A fear of being hurt. The stressor is emotional vulnerability.

Perhaps find a therapist who specialises in phobias?

Attachment styles are strongly influenced by who you choose to have a relationship with, rather than by how you behave within relationships.

For example I find myself shutting down a bit because I can’t tell if he is genuinely into me or just another manipulator someone with a secure attachment style wouldn't even consider this to be a potential relationship, let alone blame themselves for being the problem.

Lots of women don't trust men because they have had no reason to. That's kind of not your fault.

I think if you met someone, set boundaries but spend time with him and see how it goes?

I am deeply insecure and thought I had a successful relationship and it came crashing down, so don't think I am an authority :)