Not ready yet...

[pips23]

I'm just wondering whether I've fell into an online dating cliche?
I met someone at the end of summer on hinge and it seemed to go well. We were keen to see each other and everything was positive. However after one evening a while in he seemed to go a bit flat. We spoke and saw each other after that and whilst he was fine I couldn't shake of the feeling something was wrong. I bought it up and he said he was beginning to realise he wasn't ready. He had mentioned a bad relationship ending at the start of us talking but hadn't said too much more than that.
He said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship now but liked me and wanted to see what happened. We agreed on that.
A couple more weeks and things seemed to not pick up again. It got raised again and he said he just needed some time to sort his head out. He said he didn't expect me to wait for him but that he liked me etc and it wasn't a reflection on me he just wasn't in the best place right now.
I said that's fine and I wouldn't wait for him but would leave the ball in his court. He said he'd text and I questioned why because part of me felt he was just letting me down gently. He said he won't text then. He has but only a little.
I'm quite sad by this as I did really like him and could see something between us.
Is there any hope or do I need a reality check? It sounds exhausting reading this.

I think it’s best to proceed on the basis there’s no hope. It is disappointing when you really like someone but in effect he’s not available. If you keep hoping, you won’t be able to move forward wholeheartedly and you need to be able to do that.

You're looking for somebody who can give you what you want, aren't you? Rather than somebody who might be able to give you what you want, but not now?

I think you're seeing this as 'hoping you're right for him (at some point)', rather than looking at whether he is right for you.

The big question is whether you want to be spending your time hoping that he will fall for you eventually, or whether you'd rather be looking for someone else. Isn't waiting for him just a way of putting yourself through the wringer?

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who was really keen on setting up a relationship just like the one you'd like to set up?

@Watchkeys you are right with those questions. It's just disheartening to feel back at square one when I felt like I'd finally met someone with potential. I guess the hoping is easier but not necessarily the healthy thing to do.
I'm surprised by how upset I am by this I was very happy before I met him. Now I just feel a bit lossy.

Never date a potential. If he’s not ready to be with you now it means he’s not the right person for you. Cut off all contact and move on. Anything else is a waste of you time and delaying the chance to meet a person who IS ready now. Good luck x

It's good to find out now, when it's disheartening, rather than in a year, when it would be heartbreaking.

Focus on what you want, now. On how to nurture yourself, and help yourself feel better. Finding someone who gives you what you want and need starts with you acknowledging and accepting what you want and need, for yourself.

"A couple more weeks and things seemed to not pick up again. It got raised again and he said he just needed some time to sort his head out."

I don't think he is being insincere. But it's unlikely that a couple of weeks would have him ready and with his head sorted. It could be 6 months, a year, longer, you don't know...

Take him at face value. If he's said he isn't expecting you to wait, don't wait. Just really disconnect and move on to other things, don't let it get too deep, don't make yourself question whether he's the one. It takes 2 people to be ready for a relationship, and he has told you loud and clear he isn't at the moment.

You don't need to be as drastic as block him and tell him to never ever talk to you again. However, don't let him creep in and string you along with little messages here and there either. Just be clear - if you are only interested in developing a proper relationship with him and don't need any more friends, tell him that's what it is.

It can be tempting to stick around and hope he'll come round, but the deeper you get in, the more you end up hurting yourself. It takes a really strong mind to let a guy you fancy stick around but not get what you want from them.

I think he realised he's just not into this enough, if the feelings are there strongly enough, there never a need to be the right time. Don't wait on him being ready, I'd stop it now.

I dated someone years ago who was a bit like this, the whole "don't know what I want" bollocks. He messaged me something half hearted after around a week of nothing. I said "look John I meant what I said I don't want to rush into anything, but at the same time there does need to be a certain level of interest and to go a week without contact just doesn't work for me. No hard feelings, best of luck". Binned.

A couple of years later I looked him up on social media out of plain old curiosity. He had just bought a house with a woman he met after me and they had blended their families. I guarantee you he did not send her half hearted messages or wait a week to text her. Because she was the one for him and he didn't want to lose her to someone else.

Don't put up with someone undervaluing you. If he wants you in his life - he'll put you there. Absolutely zero excuses.

he text me all the time and always remembered what I was up to etc. He definitely made me feel like he gave a shit and that's the hardest part. Because my gut is telling me he just wasn't into it enough and the whole not being ready is a way of letting me down gently. He openly admits he hates upsetting people. It just makes me feel like a fool and has reopened all my insecurities about never being enough for someone. There's always someone better out there for them it's never me.
It's harder I think because my childrens dad has just established himself in a new relationship and I feel left behind and unwanted.

@pips23
I know it's hard, but can you remember a time when you've tried to let a guy down? it's hard not to take it personally but sometimes it's just the way. You'd rather wait until you're with someone that is certain about you as you are about them?

Some guys are gutless about expressing how they truly feel, others are a bit more sinister in knowing they don't want commitment with anyone but will string you along anyway.

It's early days, it sucks for a while but will definitely get over him, best to end it now than waste years on hoping he'll fully commit one day. Talking from experience of dating non committal men!

Sounds like he was letting you down gently. It's so hard and deflating.
Hope you meet someone nice soon.

@pips23 of course he remembers things and cares, not all guys are professional assholes you know... 😊

I know it's corny reading internet advice sites chiefly aimed at teens but I liked this: www.elitedaily.com/p/when-hes-not-ready-for-a-relationship-right-now-heres-what-he-really-means-2884374

Particularly: "This is one of those situations where the context is 99% of the answer."

End of the day, does it really matter what the reason is? You don't want to wait around for someone if what you want is something else. If you decide to do so, you can easily get really tangled up in it. You're vulnerable right now with your ex moving on and may make concessions you wouldn't normally make.

I've waited, twice. I'm just quite stubborn when I set my sights on someone and I know I have a chance.

First time the guy had broken up with his first serious girlfriend after a long relationship. I didn't know this. So the reason wasn't that I wasn't enough or anything like this, he was just roughed up from the breakup. Eventually this did become a proper loving long-term relationship but I was always filled with doubt about how he really feels about me, as he didn't do the usual things a guy in love with a girl would do and I often felt second best.

I've done the same thing recently too. He used to be crazy about me and make me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world. Then suddenly a massive dip in all that. He went through grief and some really extreme life events just as we should have been getting more serious, told me he didn't expect me to wait... I did wait in a way as I understood his reasons and that it wasn't about me, just really bad timing. It was extremely, extremely hard.

So just don't wait and complicate your life. It doesn't make you some kind of Pride and Prejudice style romantic heroine or a saint. It's just a recipe for heartbreak and tears.

Hmm, how old is this guy OP?

It’s hard because I’ve been in the position where I’ve met someone lovely before but it’s genuinely been the wrong time (just after having my heart broken). So it does happen… that being said, I wouldn’t bank on it and wouldn’t wait around for this one. Sorry I know it’s a rubbish feeling 💐

@poutypout he's 38. Came out of a relationship earlier this year and says it was a rocky relationship. He said as we got closer he realised he wasn't ready and pulled back. I realised it was after he initiated conversations about what would happen if this or that happened. I was never pushing for those convos it was him. It felt like he freaked himself out.
It's frustrated me because I've gave him so many outs to just say it's over but each time he's like 'that's not what I'm saying' or 'I never said I didn't want to see you anymore I just need a bit more time'.

Either way I'm done because I just don't think he can communicate that well and I realise that a lot of my temptation to wait was due to my ex moving on.

@pips23 Good on you. Ultimately the only person whose decisions, actions and reactions you can control is yourself.

So don't focus on your ex, this new bloke, what everyone else is doing and thinking, just focus on what fulfils you and makes you and your kids happy for now 🌺

@WhiteChocMocha thank you this thread and your advice has been super helpful.