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Original poster

Getting out of the 'talking stage' - foolproof tips

27 replies

ghazal293 · 22/10/2022 23:51

Hi everyone,

I'm trapped in a seemingly endless talking stage with a work colleague that I can't seem to get out of (we're both fairly shy). I'm sure there's a connection that we both feel but I'm getting frustrated with the lack of making a move!

Does anyone have any work appropriate tips for getting past it/making clear how you feel. It's got to the point where I'm contemplating pheromone perfume which is just a bit tragic.

Any tips/tricks/success stories/seduction tips most welcome Halo

OP posts:
Tsort · 23/10/2022 00:03

Firstly, this is MN, so there will be several posters along shortly to ask what the ‘talking stage’ is. You really need to tailor your comms to your audience.

Secondly, if he was into you, he’d have asked you out. If he hasn’t, he isn’t. I wouldn’t waste your time.

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 00:09

Tsort · 23/10/2022 00:03

Firstly, this is MN, so there will be several posters along shortly to ask what the ‘talking stage’ is. You really need to tailor your comms to your audience.

Secondly, if he was into you, he’d have asked you out. If he hasn’t, he isn’t. I wouldn’t waste your time.

Ha, straight to the point on both counts, brutal honesty welcome Grin

For the benefit of future readers - talking stage = pre-relationship stage where you're talking all day with a connection but no one has made a move.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 23/10/2022 00:10

And thirdly: Office gossip.

And fourthly: If it all goes wrong you still have to face each other every day at work, remain professional, whilst mentally stabbing his eyes out with a fork and resisting the urge to run to the loo in tears every five minutes.

Or you could pretend a friend you was meeting for coffee after work has bailed on you and ask him if he wants to stand in for her.

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 00:17

DatingDinosaur · 23/10/2022 00:10

And thirdly: Office gossip.

And fourthly: If it all goes wrong you still have to face each other every day at work, remain professional, whilst mentally stabbing his eyes out with a fork and resisting the urge to run to the loo in tears every five minutes.

Or you could pretend a friend you was meeting for coffee after work has bailed on you and ask him if he wants to stand in for her.

I'm at the stage where I think a bit of office gossip might help things along (it's what spurred this thread on anyway knowing that a few colleagues saw what I saw and I wasn't totally mad!)

Willing to take the risk it all goes wrong tbh... I'll give the casual stand in tip a try!

OP posts:
Tsort · 23/10/2022 00:22

I like the cut of your jib, OP. I think you’ll do just fine, either way. 😁

toastedcat · 23/10/2022 00:29

I'm my experience, only the pub helped with this! Is it the sort of workplace you can go for drinks after work?

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 00:38

toastedcat · 23/10/2022 00:29

I'm my experience, only the pub helped with this! Is it the sort of workplace you can go for drinks after work?

Yep, we work in different teams annoyingly so involves some engineering. He's much more open (and flirty) after a drink or two but I think as the previous poster has said, he either is or isn't interested. Or I need to make a move if I'm that keen. I think he's worried by an age difference.

OP posts:
Olivetreebutter · 23/10/2022 00:44

OP - I always think in situations like this, just ask him out for drinks or dinner or a walk...whatever you like. For whatever reason he isn't going first, but it's the 21st century, a girl doesn't have to wait for the man to make the first move! Yes there's a risk you might get turned down, but nothing ventured nothing gained.
When people say "if he wanted to he'd ask"...well if everyone thought like that, nothing would happen! Go for it.

ThatAussieGuy · 23/10/2022 01:12

Yeah, that stuff does not work. It's 2022. If you want to go on a date, ask him and see where it goes. He's probably day dreaming about you all day and terrified to speak

JoanCandy · 23/10/2022 01:17

‘Hey, Unrequited Lover Office Colleague, wanna go get some lunch together ?’
💁

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 23/10/2022 01:23

Oh is this the guy who is more than 20 years older than you?

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 01:27

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 23/10/2022 01:23

Oh is this the guy who is more than 20 years older than you?

Gosh no, 7 years older. I'm mid twenties.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 01:29

JoanCandy · 23/10/2022 01:17

‘Hey, Unrequited Lover Office Colleague, wanna go get some lunch together ?’
💁

Thanks for this and all the similar suggestions - I think this is the only "foolproof" tip as much as I'd love to wait around for him to make the effort.

And working in different teams, I can deal with a no and scuttle off...

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/10/2022 02:00

Do you guys at work not have drinks or socialise together at all? Or someone could engineer it possibly? 😀

DespiteAllMyRage · 23/10/2022 02:03

I’d just say “Look Dave, we’ve been chatting a lot, I like it, I wondered if you wanted to go for a drink or hang out outside of work?”.

If he tries to deny or downplay the intensity of chat/contact you’ve been having or makes out that it’s insignificant then he’s gaslighting and you’re well rid.
If he is like “Yes Ghazal, I’d love to!” then you’ll have achieved what you set out to do!

You’ve just gotta eat the frog, be prepared to make yourself emotionally vulnerable very briefly, and either reap the rewards or get a full 360 view of who you’ve been wasting your time on.

SNWannabe · 23/10/2022 02:05

Honestly? I think I’d be a bit of a chicken and message him. Explain you feel embarrassed to ask in person in car you’re wrong, but that you’d like to go on a date/are interested etc.

I was worried my now husband was going to stick at the “friends as I’m too polite to do anything else” stage- so I made the first move and basically jumped him! It worked, we’ve been married for 15 years now. And our age gap is twice yours @ghazal293

Go for it!!

DespiteAllMyRage · 23/10/2022 02:10

Also, I once went on 17 “dates” with one of my male friends - we weren’t calling them dates, we were just spending a lot of time alone together at the exclusion of all of our mutual friends, in a variety of settings that people who were dating each other might commonly enjoy.

Neither of us then had the nerve to make the first move with a kiss or whatever. Anyway, one day we went back to a house party after going to a gig, and another woman set her sights on him - and I literally saw exactly how it was all gonna play out like a little film in my headX She was a bit braver than me, she must have made the first moved, he married her, they had a child together. They’re divorced now and we’re both single again, I’m not going back there. But if you like this man, make a fucking move or someone else will!

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 02:33

SNWannabe · 23/10/2022 02:05

Honestly? I think I’d be a bit of a chicken and message him. Explain you feel embarrassed to ask in person in car you’re wrong, but that you’d like to go on a date/are interested etc.

I was worried my now husband was going to stick at the “friends as I’m too polite to do anything else” stage- so I made the first move and basically jumped him! It worked, we’ve been married for 15 years now. And our age gap is twice yours @ghazal293

Go for it!!

Ah congratulations on a long and happy marriage - so glad it worked out for you Smile

You've all given me such a push to just get on with it, be a bit more direct and send that risky message!! He's very proper so it might not go well but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Like I said, I think he might have reservations about me being younger and we're so very different but we've got the teasing/bickering/in jokes down that I can't help but feel there's a mutual attraction there. He did say he felt like I could "see into his soul" so let's hope it's not a misreading Grin

OP posts:
Bluebellandpansies · 23/10/2022 03:49

Invite him to do something fun together that does not require him facing you. If it works out it works out, if it does not at least you would have had a fun day out. But do make the move, countless women married with a shy guy understood they had to make the first move. If it's right, he will be grateful.

Monty27 · 23/10/2022 04:28

OP you won't know til you try. It could be a 5 minute wonder you won't know until progress is made.

Quitelikeacatslife · 23/10/2022 05:10

You could book something that you know will interest you both then tell him friend you are going with has dropped out (covid?) and would he like to come . And if he does , be bold at end of evening and at least secure a kiss/moving on!

girl71 · 23/10/2022 16:50

Op i have a colleague that i see and talk to daily. We spend a lot of time together alone for one reason or another. I found him attractive, which he is but, never ever thought any more. We were friends and colleagues always viewed us as such, no hint of anything else. About 6 weeks ago, i had the most amazing dream about him, one of those dreams. When i went into work the next the next day i could not even look him in the eye. But, when we were talking, I naturally and without thinking invaded his personal space. He did not move away or flinch in fact, we got very physically close. I am not saying this is right, merely that I kind of forgot myself for minute. Over the next few weeks we remained physically close, i must have been sending him some kind of vibe ( i was ) because he definitely picked up on it. Colleagues started to suspect. It is all very heated now and moving forward . Ironically at work , we now totally distance for most of the time and rumour mill has stopped.

If you do not feel sending a txt and being out there is right for now, maybe some subtle body closeness and mischievous eye contact may awaken him?

Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 18:17

girl71 · 23/10/2022 16:50

Op i have a colleague that i see and talk to daily. We spend a lot of time together alone for one reason or another. I found him attractive, which he is but, never ever thought any more. We were friends and colleagues always viewed us as such, no hint of anything else. About 6 weeks ago, i had the most amazing dream about him, one of those dreams. When i went into work the next the next day i could not even look him in the eye. But, when we were talking, I naturally and without thinking invaded his personal space. He did not move away or flinch in fact, we got very physically close. I am not saying this is right, merely that I kind of forgot myself for minute. Over the next few weeks we remained physically close, i must have been sending him some kind of vibe ( i was ) because he definitely picked up on it. Colleagues started to suspect. It is all very heated now and moving forward . Ironically at work , we now totally distance for most of the time and rumour mill has stopped.

If you do not feel sending a txt and being out there is right for now, maybe some subtle body closeness and mischievous eye contact may awaken him?

I love this - must have been some dream BlushGrin all the best for what sounds like a very exciting couple of weeks and months!!

I'll have to try and send a far clearer ~vibe~ as as it stands I think I confuse him (although I swear it's his own feelings confusing him!)

OP posts:
Original poster
ghazal293 · 23/10/2022 18:18

Quitelikeacatslife · 23/10/2022 05:10

You could book something that you know will interest you both then tell him friend you are going with has dropped out (covid?) and would he like to come . And if he does , be bold at end of evening and at least secure a kiss/moving on!

this is a great idea! And being quite shy myself something I think I could pull off if I'm casual and breezy about it. We talk about shared interests a fair amount so I'd have an idea. The thing I struggle the most is that push into one on one time.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 23/10/2022 18:30

Message him - you've got tickets for an event, would he like to join you.

He says yes. You say great. Just to be clear, this would be a date. That okay with you?

Good luck!