For years I’ve been pushing aside the negatives in the relationship in hopes it would improved but now I’m just not sure what to do have been a bit nervous as I know young mums can be judged rather quickly.
I (19F) had my first son at 16 with my partner (20M) he is now 3. I have just given birth to another boy who is just 1 month old. I’ve been used to hard work, throughout my pregnancy I completed a-level equivalents, whilst working in the hospital as placement, I worked in retail and came home to do the majority of cleaning and parenting. At this point I was working 6 days a week and spent the rest of my waking hours with my son and as he went to be I did all the cleaning.
my partner has never been very helpful, he’s always in his Xbox and a lot of people have pointed that out to me. He is a postman and walks many steps a day and I understand he is tired when he gets home. However during my pregnancy whilst I was out at work my son was fed sandwiches, chocolate or cheese on toast for tea. I had explain that it doesn’t take much effort to cook something a bit more nutritional. - he continued to do the same. He was too departs to get back on his Xbox.
we have lived in our own place for 2 years and 6 months and I can tell you he has washed up twice, never done anything to do with washing, never cleaned our bedroom, the bathroom or my sons room. I feel guilt for asking him as he can explode rather quickly.
as august came around my partner had a few weeks off where he didnt really do anything. Followed by another week off after I’d given birth. I thought he’d help out a little more as I lost a lot of blood and have struggled with an iron deficiency I have been very tired but I strived on. He hasn’t once done a night feed or changed our sons nappy. He will granted feed the odd bottle throughout the day while I cook tea.
my partner continued to have lots of time off due to royal mails constant striking meaning he is working around 3-4 days a week.when he does work he finishes by 2:30-3:00 pm. But still the excuse of “it’s my day off” comes to play.
he now hasn’t cooked tea in 4 months on top of the list of jobs he’s rarely it never does. I try to find the good in the relationship and see that yes he does walk a lot but really helping me put the shopping away, an odd feed and an odd quick tidy if the lounge doesn’t cut it. He thinks he deserves a gold medal for these. I’m exhausted and the only time I have to myself is when I can fit in a shower once a week.
I feel like I’m just ranting about my partner at this point and to be honest I probably am but I can’t talk ti anyone else I worry about judgment. But I might as well put the rest of it on the play while I’m at it. He doesn’t speak to me unless he has to but when he does he’s engrossed on his phone. He only spends time with me when shopping or if he wants something later at night. He has in the past been physically and verbally abusive and although I put that in the past in still shadows back over. He’s been untrustworthy before . Is always online with a friend so I have constant watch what I say it’s like someone always been able to listen into my private home. He gets moody if I want my friend over, she’s not a great friend but we’ve been friends for long time and she’s the only adult socialisation I really have.
Im starting to fall out of love, I don’t want to. he makes my 3 year old so happy and my 3 year old definitely favours him. I’m still trying to push past my depression which I revived a diagnosis for when I was 12. I’m scared of what I will do financially. I would love to start university for nursing next year and I worry how I’d do that by myself. I worry about my partners family I’ve really done to love them. I worry about my children and if they’ll hate me for leaving their dad and I worry about the judgment of all our friends and family.
how do I leave this life.
I know this has been long I’m sorry for that. I’m so stuck I’ve never put it out there before. Thank you for your time spent on this all over the place essay.