Is all lost?

[Sexismdoesntrule]

I’ve slowly come to the realisation that all maybe lost in our relationship. Has anyone else been in this situation and come out the other side together?

7 years together; a fun and exciting beginning where we could only see each other once/twice a week due to work commitments then moved in together after 18 months. Bought a house together after 2.5 years together. Then we started a family after 4.5 years together…. since then I can only have sex when drunk once in 2 months or so.

I thought it was because we were tired from having babies (2 15 months apart). He is a fantastic father and partner to me but I just can’t have sex with him.

Ive started looking at other people in a different way and even started fancying other people, to me this is the end… is it just me?

Obviously if you want to leave then you don't need permission but I'd want to at least try in your position as it doesn't sound like anyone has done anything wrong and you get on well. Things have been good apart from sex, which was good until the kids. Counselling/ sex therapy maybe? Have you spoken openly about your level of interest in sex?

Keep your interest in other people in check unless you do leave. No point making a simple 'run its course' situation into something nasty and messy as you'd still have to co-parent whatever happens.

Does he do his fair share round the house and with your child?

The "ick" is hard to get over once it's set in but it comes down to the root cause whether you can get through it or not.

And yes, leave if you want to of course.

Yes we are equal in all activities.
I take care of laundry tasks, he takes care of food/cooking tasks.
He does all pick ups and drop offs whilst we work then I look after them on my own 1 day/week.

There hasn’t been any defining moment - the ick is a good word for it. We’ve seen parts of each other that nobody should ever see I suppose we’ve both let ourselves go. He is a great support emotionally and we don’t argue over things - always a balanced disagreement where one of us either changes our mind or we agree to disagree.

I can’t live without sex though. We talked about it last night because I told him I fancied someone at work. I pointed out that we hadn’t had sex unless I was drunk for 2.5 years(!!) and he didn’t even realise.

I think sex council is a good idea, thank you.

LTR partners do lose their shine and other people look shiny and new. Most people show their partners sides of themselves (good and less good) that the outside world doesn’t generally see. That’s a reality of going through the daily grind together. I’ve always thought it very important to find the romance in the mundane - the romance in the fact that you’re going through the daily grind together and making that work.

If the LTR is functional and content and you love your partner, that’s usually more than enough to outweigh the superficial attractions of an outsider. I find other men attractive (I think that’s normal - otherwise why would we have a vow to forsake all others?) but I love my DH very much (most of the time 😀) and have no wish to be with anyone else.

The relationship sounds good (aside from the sex issue) and you have children together so I think it’s appropriate to try and work out what’s going on if you can. It sounds like you might be falling into a bit of a “grass is greener” trap. As is sometimes said on here - the grass is greenest where you water it.

Could it be that at some level you’re scared of the possibility of conceiving again? Could it be hormonal? In the early years of parenting, a couple’s focus is generally on the little ones and the relationship can take a knock. A strong relationship can survive this but you may need to work a bit at finding each other again. Do you have any quality time alone as a couple? You don’t have to answer these questions - just some thoughts.

Thank you for the extra advice and thoughts, lots to think about for us 😀.
you’re right I definitely do not ever want to be pregnant or give birth again.

Maybe try something new in the bedroom and I don't just mean a new position.

“you’re right I definitely do not ever want to be pregnant or give birth again.”

Do you think this could be underlying your reluctance? I would imagine it might be.