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[Jaybird43]

I’ve been with DH for nearly 20 years. We’ve had our ups and downs in that time. Today, we were meant to go to his folks house for the weekend. I got angry this morning because I was up at 7am packing for 3 young DC, me and DH. DH finally took the dog out after asking several times. DH is a messy person anyway and I was saying “rinse out the sink (there was his toothpaste spit in it), pick up your socks” and asking for help basically.

I said I didn’t want to go because of the mess that everyone leaves behind.

He then got in a mood, packed up the car without me and the dog, took the DC and drove off.

My MIL called as DH called her and told her what happened. I told her that in 20 years, DH never helps me clean up. I can count on one hand the number of times he has hoovered, same with the washing machine and dishwasher.

I work part time and he works full time, but I do all housework, dog walking, getting Dc ready for school, 2 school drop offs and all school pick ups.

I’m just so upset at DH. He’s a good dad but such a crap husband. He is clever and can do jobs, but only if I light the fire, otherwise it takes an age. He does have quite a high pressures job but I think he relies on that as an excuse.

I’m just sat in tears. DH just called and said “do you want to come” and I just off loaded how I feel like a maid, not a wife. My DC are young and do help where they can, but DH just takes nagging before he does something - like putting the toilet seat down!!

we had another argument just now as he said he feels rushed and stressed with work, and apologised if I felt like a maid.

I don’t know. Is it hormones (I’m hitting 40 soon)? Am I making a meal over nothing? Am I a nag?

I do love DH but sometimes I feel like all I do is nag to get the help I need.

It will be partly hormones (peri) and partly because he doesn’t listen and learn, it’s frustrating.
Take this time on your own to wind down and decide how to move forward.

Your husband has no respect for you and I would be livid that he told his mother about your argument.

You know, my DH used to call me a nag so I shut up and keep it all inside. It causes resentment and bitterness.
You both need to talk, and decide who will do what. If he doesn’t step up, it won’t improve and your frustration will increase.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is keeping you with such a man, a man who cannot even be bothered to rinse away his toothpaste spit. What sort of an example is he to your children?. He thinks the housework and all the life admin stuff attached to it is YOUR job and yours alone by dint of fact that you are female.

I think he is both a crap husband and a crap dad if he treats you as their mother as some sort of skivvy. And do not consider what he does as help either; he is not helping. I would think he does not at all behave like this around work colleagues either.

Why? It is ok to talk to people when we have issues. I wouldn't choose my mum but others might.

We weren't told what MIL actually said, maybe she called to point out what a dick her son was being.

MIL was very lovely and said that I shouldn’t do any more of his cleaning - if he makes a mess, it’s HIS mess and I leave it until he cleans it. I think I’ll start doing. I have to have the house always clean (just nice and tidy) as I grew up with a hoarder and it really makes me anxious if I think that people will see the mess.

I do have a good relationship with MiL luckily, and she was on my side

Why should you live with his mess though ? I hate it when people say that.

I shouldn’t have said he was a crap husband - he is a good husband in every other aspect. He is kind and caring, makes an effort with anniversaries / celebrations, but it’s just his untidiness that just lets him down. To be honest, MIL is a little bit the same, so I think he takes after her. You’d think though, at 43, he would be able to pick up socks without asking!!

Mine is in his 60’s and still leaves toothpaste in the sink.

@KangarooKenny i know, I sometimes envy those couples who have their own house each and a great marriage! I am not a clean freak per se, but I don’t like things to be on the floor (the dog likes to eat anything laying around so I am especially careful to make sure he can’t get his paws on anything).

Spend the weekend at home by yourself , the break from each other will do you both good , and him parenting his own children will do him good. Take yourself off to a lovely place for coffee and cake or a pastry ( not a supermarket )
Watch a movie at home in complete peace . Have a relaxing early evening bath and order a takeaway or eat rubbish and have an earlyish night.

Thank you @Frostine i will do that 🙂

"He is kind and caring, makes an effort with anniversaries / celebrations, but it’s just his untidiness that just lets him down".

You call what he does untidiness; the man is both a slob and a disgrace. It is not mere untidiness (e,g he laying socks around); he thinks that it is your job fundamentally to clear up after him.

It's the barest of bare minimums you are accepting here; I would think you buy his mother a Christmas present as well on the basis that he says he is too busy. In the office environment he behaves completely differently.

"To be honest, MIL is a little bit the same, so I think he takes after her".

That is indeed where he learnt it from but your kids will learn the same particularly if they follow their dad's example. They are learning that you as their mum does everything else.

Being rushed and stressed at work isn't an excuse for not rinsing his toothpaste out of the sink or putting the seat down on the toilet.

It's pure laziness and disrespect.

Leaving it may or may not impact as some men will live in putrid squalor.

20 years you've put up with him being like this. He knows he doesn't have to do anything as the only consequences is an argument and then it goes right back the same as before.

I hope you have a nice peaceful weekend at home or whatever you choose to do. I wouldn't do anything other than exactly what you feel like doing either.

STBXH was similar to this. He’d complain I was nagging. I pointed out if he just did what I’d ask I wouldn’t have to repeatedly “nag”. Crap like leaving a mess in their wake, dirty clothes on the floor…it’s a fundamental lack of respect. There’s an expectation that you will clean up after them.
Driving off without you is just awful! I would definitely have the weekend to yourself. Let him solo parent! Have a long think about the future.
I reached a point where I couldn’t live with it any more. The lack of respect, critical comments…I’ve been separated almost a year and honestly I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. My home is tidier and clean, when I tidy it stays tidy! It’s not easy being a single parent but it’s definitely better than being in a marriage where there’s a lack of respect.

I think you need to just let some things go.....not as easy but you can train your mind to ignore things. My DH leaves socks on the floor, along with other things, that could drive me bonkers , I choose to ignore them ....eventually they end up in the correct place . After 25 years of marriage it really is a case of 'pick your battles' . If things are getting on top could you maybe get a dog walker a few times a week ? A cleaner ? If it takes the pressure off, especially while the kids need so much management.

Have you sat down and spoken to DH? If he’s a lousy DH then walk away from it and find someone who does pick up their socks and cleans the sink. You may have to go full time at work though. 😘

I would say sit down and talk to him when you're both calmer and kids in bed.

Explain your fears about when you grew up with a hoarder and how it makes you feel safe to have a clean and tidy house.

Can you meet in the middle somewhere? Pick and choose your battles I would say. You sound quite worked up about it and it makes sense given your history.

But honestly do you ever allow yourself time to relax? You sound very stressed and tense.

I know it shouldn't need explaining to your husband of course but remind him he lives there too and he needs to pull this weight. Say you appreciate he has a highly stressed job and that sometimes he needs downtimes but so do you and him leaving his stuff everywhere isn't on. The toilet lid can be put down by you really I don't think that one really matters. Mine does it too and it bugs me but in the grand scheme of things I can move it.

Get a rota and put it onto the wall. Put it somewhere he will look at it.

Since you are part time, I think it's okay you doing a bit more but he definitely needs to do chores too. Life is to be shared tell him and that includes the hard work sometimes.

Good luck!

Completely agree with @Opaljewel.

I would also add that I’m a big fan of giving credit for all the things that are being got right. I’m very aware that I’m not perfect so I don’t expect perfection from others. I think MN is fab but some of the comments I see seem to suggest that a man should basically tick every box or he’s not good enough.

It sounds like there’s a lot that’s good here and some compromise should be possible over this. And definitely get a cleaner if you can afford it.

My two are now mid to late teenagers and, while they are terrific, I can see the effects of my anxiety in them and I really wish I’d been able to step back a bit on certain things when they were younger but I would get into a kind of tunnel vision on how certain things needed to be. Your post sounded a bit like that to me. You were going away for the weekend so these things didn’t really need to be addressed right then in any case. But I have completely been where you were. And looking back, I wish I had been mellower about some things.

Wow, you have doing the majority of the housework for 20 years! and now the practical support for the kids? You deserve a medal, that sounds relentless and thankless. I'm a lazy sod I could never do that, I think I lasted two years before losing my shit with my DH. He did change though and now he's cleaner than I am! In fact some days he could legitimately get on a forum and moan about me. It might be hormones, but it sounds like you just aren't buying your own excuses about the situation and how stressful this is for you any more. You have taken on too much and you need help. Your husband is sorry you feel like a maid? Well, he can help with that!

Although you need to work on lowering your standards a little bit? You have 3 kids and the house isn't always going to be perfect. Housework is never ending unless you constantly work on it, and it isn't a worthwhile cause to be a perfect housewife imo. Visitors aren't really going to care if the house is spotless, well the ones that matter wouldn't care.