Need to leave an unhappy marriage, how do I keep sane until I can go?

[needtoloveme]

I’m mid 50s and have been in an unhappy marriage for a LONG time. I’ve put up with abuse and general shit, but now had enough. Things are a bit more complicated as we’re retired and living overseas - another huge mistake I’ve made in life. I should’ve LTB years ago, but I didn’t and I’m now living a miserable existence.
I’d like to enjoy a few peaceful years before I die, and I’m starting to think about how I can do this. I don’t have any financial resources behind me, and even a divorce wouldn’t change this considerably.
The atmosphere at home is toxic, and if I mention I’m thinking of leaving it will get much worse. Does anyone who’s been in a similar situation have any tips on how to deal with this? I’ve been trying to do grey rock, and self care, but it’s really hard to keep a clear mind when living with someone who is horrible to you 24/7. Thanks.

What do you want to do, stay there or move back to the UK ?
Do you work ?

In cloud-cuckoo land I’d possibly stay here on my own. But in reality I can’t support myself independently. DP is retired and we live on his pension, but it wouldn’t fund two separate households. I don’t work, and I know I’m going to get hauled over the coals for that here.

Do you have the right to a UK pension ? Do you have family you could stay with if you came back ?
Sounds like you might be stuck, if so you need to make your own life within the marriage.

Yes I’ll get a UK state pension, but not for a few years yet. I was just looking for advice from anyone in a similar situation on tips for making their own life within a bad marriage until I’m in a position to LTB. I’m faced with constant hostility and it’s hard to summon up the energy to get on with things when you’re getting dragged down.

I just personally live my own life. We’re in separate bedrooms due to his snoring, so that’s good. We take it in turns to cook, he does the garden, and I do the house. We don’t go anywhere together, and I’m saving for when it happens.

I fear that the longer you stay with him, the harder it will feel for you to actually make the break. He will continue to ground you down in the meantime.

Whereabouts are you now; what are legal rights for women like in this country you are residing in?.

Is it possible for you to return to the UK and start divorce proceedings from here?.

You say you will get a UK pension . But is it a full pension i.e 35 years of contributions ? You can do an online gov.uk forecast to check.up
If you do not have full contributions you can do additional top ups to help boost it up.
Also if when you do leave him , if you decide to move to the UK you might qualify for extra benefit if your money needs topping up to survive. Would you get government help living where you do now ?
Perhaps you need to start a secret a/c and put a little away for when you do leave.

Life will always be bearable if there is hope. For that you need a plan or course of action to end the marriage. How are you going to achieve that?

People can end their relationship and live together. There will be strain even if you are entirely amicable. Honestly you need to be emotionally intelligent, calm and reasonable to do it.

it cannot be done with an abusive person. There are no tips or hacks for that one. They will harm you and goad you.

My advice, as long as you don’t work nothing will change. You might as well bite the bullet and leave now. Get back to the UK, claim benefits, get a job and file for divorce in England.

If you are married you should be entitled to half his pension on divorce which could be considerable.

If he is constantly hostile to you, have you said to him "why do you want to be married to me when you hate me so much, why don't we do the sensible thing and call it a day?"

What answer would he have for that?

I suppose what she is entitled to depends upon where she is living. I wonder if you would be better to come back to the UK and divorce from here ?

Have you any skills?
How did you previously earn a living?
Could you find a job that offers accommodation, it may not be the ideal job but it could be a stepping stone.

@needtoloveme
Have you got family/ friends in the uk?
Just come home and find someone to stay with temporarily and get a job - anything to get you started.

I never understand why women make themselves so vunerable and reliant on a man! But too late to worry about that now!!!

Life is too short to be miserable don't stay there for financial reasons. You'll get sorted.

You could even contact women's aid and see if they can help x

Do you have dependents? Children, pets? Don't answer if you want to...just points to consider. Can you get money together for a flight? You could apply for a live in position. Housekeeper or childcare. God, imagine that...your own 1 bed flat, your own money, your own independence and space. Sounds infinitely better than your life now. Can you get over here and crash at a friend's or family or hostel? Then apply for a live in role.

I've been in your shoes, it turns out one of my specialist skills is tolerating an unhappy marriage.

It's a miserable existence with lifelong repercussions and I strongly recommend you put all your energy into working on your exit plan.

If you think you can't afford to leave - you're wrong (I thought this and I was SOOO wrong!). You just need to cut your coat according to your cloth. Happy and poor is much better than miserable and financially comfortable.

So you aren't asking on advice to leave but advice on how to cope.

Don't get into arguments. Just reply with simple non passive aggressive responses.

Can you tell us more about the hostility and problems to help us guide responses and strategies please?

Does he provide you with enough money to live or is he financially abusive? What does he expect from you and what does he get from the marriage?

@needtolovemneedtoloveme you mentioned you DH is retired. From my experience, some of the things you mentioned are a sign of early onset of dementia. If he hasn't always been abusive, there might be a possibility that he's developing it. That's how it often manifests itself in later years ...I am a social worker. You would be surprised by the number of divorces in middle age only for one of the parties to get a diagnosis of dementia within a couple of years of divorcing.