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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an issue?

20 replies

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 20:09

I've been with my new partner nearly a year. He's lovely and we get on really well. A few weeks ago we started talking about moving in together next year. Something I would love.

During the course of this conversation he told me that a few years ago he ended up in financial trouble, as he was involved in a protracted custody battle with his ex-wife. He's paid half of it off but still has a bad credit score as a result of the debt.

Yesterday he dropped a bombshell over dinner when he told me that his nephew might be coming to live with him. It's a difficult situation because his nephew isn't in the UK and doesn't speak any English (his mum died a few years ago and his dead has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer). Even as I read this it sounds unbelievable and I know it's even cold on my part but these two things combined make me question the relationship - I question how capable he is of managing his finsnces, particularly when it comes to his family.

I know he's had a really difficult life and family is so important to him but no-one knows about the debt except for me. As far as his family are concerned, he's financially solvent. I also wonder if I'll be the one that's left to pick up the pieces if we end up living together and it all goes wrong.

I'm wondering if other people would be feeling inclined to slow this relationship right down given his circumstances?

OP posts:

blacksax · 21/10/2022 20:15

You have been together less than a year. I'd back away slowly if I were you. Far enough so you can see the whole picture a lot more clearly.

How come it would have to be him who looks after this nephew? Are there no other more suitable relatives, grandparents etc? It is rather unusual for a single man to take on custody of an orphaned child like that.

StopFeckingFaffing · 21/10/2022 20:16

There are 2 separate issues here (his debts and his nephew)

I would be inclined to hang fire regarding any plans to move in together and spend a bit longer getting to know him better and see how things pan out with his nephew

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2022 20:17

Oh blimey. He left it a while to tell you about the debt. It sounds potentially messy, definitely slow things right down and keep a watchful eye on things.

1dontunderstand · 21/10/2022 20:25

How old is his nephew?

Original poster

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 20:26

BlackSax - his family are quite small. It was basically him and his sister. The parents are quite infirm and not equipped to deal with a teenager. The father's side is a real mess apparently - lots of mental health issues which is why it's ended up being him.

I believe everything he says is true. I just struggle with potential mess I visualise unfolding.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 20:26

He's 11

OP posts:

StopFeckingFaffing · 21/10/2022 20:33

You mention a custody battle with his ex so presumably he also has one or more DC of his own to consider as well as his nephew?

Sounds complicated

Is he really worth it?

Original poster

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 20:49

His other DC are pretty much grown up now and live between him and his ex. The break-up wasn't amicable as she tried to stop him from seeing his DCs completely. I know plenty of men that just don't even try so I respected the fact that he did. Normally, I'm brutal in my relationships but I'm struggling with this one. He's a good person he's just needs to manage his life a bit better.

OP posts:

minticecreamisjustok · 21/10/2022 21:01

I wouldn't be making plans for moving in together until your secure in thinking he can contribute his half while still paying off his debt, think how this may impact your future wealth together depending how long it takes him to pay off.

The nephew might move in with him, did you want to take on the role of stepmum? Also this will have an impact, you will no longer be a couple but a family and every you do will be with this child, again you will also be responsible financially as a family unit.

scoobydoo1971 · 21/10/2022 21:02

By all means date him, but do not enter into any joint financial or property related commitments whatsoever. It would be a mistake. His credit rating would recover after six years if he has outstanding CCJ type debt, but you have no idea about his financial commitments, full extent of debt and so on. You don't know him well enough or long enough to know the full truth. I am not surprised he would like to move in with a financially solvent woman who can share bills, have the tenancy or mortgage in her name to get over his credit rating and so on. It would be a dream for him and his nephew. However, it leaves you as potential step mother to a teen and having a lot of expense/ financial risk. My gran had a saying "leave them at the door until you know them more...".

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 21/10/2022 21:11

Nope! Also how is he even going to sort out this child’s visa? He acts first before thinking things through which can be endearing when it’s “Hey honey I got this amazing food you love for 10p for you from Tescos yellow sticker shelf” but not so much when it’s “Hey honey here’s my nephew I’m off to work now then my hobby, he finishes school at 3 and by the way did you pay the mortgage for the month? I would but I spent all the money on this stray dog who lives with a guy in the city.”
I don’t see this having a long term future.

Original poster

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 21:13

Scoobydoo - I definitely don't want to be a step mother especially to a child I've never met. I have my own teenagers to think of in all this, as well.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 21/10/2022 21:16

ended up in financial trouble, as he was involved in a protracted custody battle with his ex-wife

How old were his dc? I would be very cautious as after a year you really don't know the full story, only what he chooses to tell you.

ilukp · 21/10/2022 21:30

I'd back away from that completely.
But I've had bad experiences in the last 15 years and so the slightest sign of anything the tiniest bit off sends me running for the hills.
Still, I think it would be foolhardy to move in with him with the situation as it currently is. You'd end up being stepmum to the nephew. You were thinking about moving in together when the situation was his DC living between him and his ex, not an unknown child of 11 who would be there all the time and could have all kinds of difficulties as he's obviously had a lot of trauma going on.
You have your own teenagers to consider too.
You would be much better off living separately and you can reconsider moving in together in a few years when all of the children are much older - and during that time you will have a better idea of what sort of "financial difficulties" he had.

Original poster

MadameDe · 21/10/2022 21:54

Fireflygal · 21/10/2022 21:16

ended up in financial trouble, as he was involved in a protracted custody battle with his ex-wife

How old were his dc? I would be very cautious as after a year you really don't know the full story, only what he chooses to tell you.

His DC were 5 and 3 when it happened. It was 10 years ago they split up - the divorce and the custody issues lasted for 3 years. I've met his kids and they're really nice, well behaved and adjusted.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/10/2022 22:51

Apart from anything else, his nephew needs to be his priority if he’s going to become his guardian. The child will be traumatised and has had his whole world turned on it’s head. That’s not a good place to be effectively blending families from. I’d put the brakes on until you see what happens with the child, how he settles in and how your boyfriend copes with parenting him.

The financial stuff is a concern but the introduction of an 11 year old child is even more so.

TheCurseOfBoris · 22/10/2022 01:46

He's waited until he was pretty sure of your feelings for him before he told you of his debt and his nephew. That's calculated.
Do not move in with this man. He needs to settle his debts and prove that he can provide for his kids and nephew on his own.

Fireflygal · 22/10/2022 09:32

@MadameDe, Have you met his Ex? If in the UK, 3 years is a very lengthy process, usually you have mediation then apply to court. A court will appoint CAFCASS to investigate and make recommendations. It usually doesn't go pass this point unless it's extremely hostile or there are serious allegations.

Ask him about the process, what bills did he incur, what were courts recommendations. A woman rarely walks away from a man if the children are young (due to financial vulnerability).

I was fooled by a man who appeared to be the victim and his story of a nasty ex appeared credible however I had to learn the hard way that it was him. The good behaviour/mask often remains until there is some commitment such as moving in together. It can be so shocking to have someone change so quickly. In my case he became controlling and nasty once we had a shared financial commitment.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2022 09:37

I would be ending it, and quickly. You're simply not suited.

Original poster

MadameDe · 22/10/2022 12:23

fireflygal I haven't met his ex. They don't get involved in each other's lives at all.

It's always been in my mind that there are 2 sides to every story and that maybe he hasn't told me the whole truth.

However, having gotten to know him, the reason why it took so long checks out and is consistent with what his friends and family have said about him. He admits he's no angel and that he made mistakes but domestic violence was never one of her complaints. I know what you mean about the mask effect - I've witnessed it before. I think he's just very naive about money, relationships and people. In saying this, I think this thread has helped me to realise that pulling away is probably in my best interests at least until he's sorted himself out.

OP posts:

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